I'm new to this site... For background, I've just turned 21(F) in April. Am single, unemployed, and I attend a school for people with disabilities. I live at home with my parents, and have no siblings. I don't know if you can consider my mom aging or not, as she's 59, but is completely unable to do anything for herself. I've applied to become my mom's paid caregiver about 5 months ago, but since my mom is not 60 they haven't got back to me yet.
Three years ago my mom's legs started swelling with what (I think) was water, which made it difficult to walk, eventually to the point where she needed a walker. Many times, I have tried to tell her to go to the doctor, as I knew it wasn't normal, and every time she has aggressively refused, insulting me and calling me "ambulance-happy" and accusing me of simply wanting to be rid of her, as I was the one who was made to wrap her legs and bandage them. A half year later she had no choice but to call an ambulance when she could no longer get up from her chair. She was diagnosed with sepsis, and came very close to having to have her feet amputated. She was put in a home of sorts for half another year, where they treated her and tried to get her walking again, but she refused to work with the PT people. Every time we went to see her, she'd have some new story about how the nurses threatened to push her down the stairs, how they were talking about her behind her back, would scream at the nurse for "harassing her" and accuse her of trying to save face when all she did was say hello, etc. Most of these she did when we were visiting. Medicaid or Medicare or one of them said that if she didn't start cooperating with the staff they'd discharge her. Long story short, she refused to cooperate, so she was sent home.
Since then, I've been her primary caregiver. At first, I didn't mind. At first, she was reasonable. Now, she's practically like a giant toddler who pitches a massive fit if she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants it. She bosses me around near constantly (as in "orders" me to do things, rather than asks me to), treats me like a maid. Wakes me up in the middle of the night every half hour or less, regardless if I have school the next day or not, to tell me something tiny fell on the floor, that she wants a soda, to tell me to clean her diaper (the one chore I do not feel comfortable doing, as it makes me physically nauseous, but my father refuses to help), or even just that there's a dog on TV. She does not care if I am doing something, does not care if I'm trying to take care of me or the house, as I am also completely responsible for everything regarding the house (laundry, food, mopping, cleaning, etc.). Dad does not help there. If I don't come the moment she calls, or try to calmly explain I was busy, or show the slightest hint I'm in a bad mood, she throws a massive fit and LOUDLY badmouths me and rants about me to herself for a whole hour. I can't say a single thing about her, but she can berate and yell at me as much as she wants, because she's my mother and owns me. If I prove a point and defend myself, she starts crying and cries abuse, threatening to call 911. ...She can't even tell me what the definition of abuse is, but she still claims it. She's delusional and thinks we talk about her behind her back, and gets paranoid someone will break into the house.
She has admitted herself she believes the world revolves around her. She treats me as if I'm only there to serve her, not like a daughter. She does the same things with my dad, too. She's always been a bit of a nasty person, but I don't remember it being this bad.
She does not want a "paid caregiver", as she put it, as she doesn't want anyone in the house when I'm perfectly able to do it myself, and my dad agrees. She consistently refuses physical therapy, then complains she can't walk. I am forbidden to get a job. There's SO much more I could say, but I don't think I can fit it. I'm so, so tired... Advice?
https://willcountyhealth.org
In particular, have a look at this page:
https://willcountyhealth.org/behavioral-health-faqs/
You will see there is a phone number to call in a crisis. Well, I'd agree your situation isn't *exactly* a crisis, but only because it's been damaging and destructive for years. I think you can justify contacting them, or you can call the general enquiries number and ask who to speak to.
Your mother was an older parent when she had you, her only child? Maybe it all goes back to the circumstances surrounding whatever was behind that, but you know what? I don't, with all respect to them, care much about your parents' history. Whatever it was it is not your responsibility and it must no longer be allowed to be your problem.
You MUST get help from people outside the family situation. Your parents will try to get rid of them and pull you back in, but you are now 21 years old. It's your say-so.
Just reading about the withdrawal of your benefits and your being "forbidden" to get a job and your mother's rejection of assistance and therapies - it's as though your parents have retreated into a safe den, and want to keep you there with them. It is unhealthy, and they're treating you terribly badly; but there's a lot more to it than that.
I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I noticed that your school is for people with disabilities. If you've been quite isolated up 'til now, does that mean you also haven't had any support from any other groups at all? There seems to be quite a range of them in your area.
And yeah, I haven't really had any support. I used to go to therapy and see a psychologist, but that stopped soon after they told my parents they seem to be the cause of all my stress. My disabilities are mostly what's classified as emotional disabilities, and I wouldn't be surprised if they stemmed from how I'm treated at home. Haven't seen any therapists or anything since, as I have neither a way to get there nor pay for services.
Your mother is mentally ill and needs treatment for that. How your parents live their lives is their issue. Getting on with your life is your job. Talk to your counselor about (for you) supportive housing, job training and mental health services.
Begin to disengage from this situation. You have your entire life to live. If you have a documented disability you can be eligible for programs but you have to research what’s available in your area.
The key to a successful future is education. Google jobs that offer your skills and apply.
Time for you to shine.
I used to collect SS, but as soon as I left high school we got a letter telling us that I'm no longer eligible to receive benefits. Which... I should still be eligible for, since my school is a transition school where they hold your diploma until you graduate, so I'm technically still "in" high school.