Dad is 80 and Mom is 85. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 6 months ago, she is in need of a hip replacement, but won’t undergo surgery because she’s too afraid with her diagnosis of Pulmonary Fibrosis from a year ago. She is on oxygen 24/7. She is in “excruciating pain” daily and therefore doesn’t move from her chair, except to use the bathroom and return to bed a few times during the day. Also, she is going blind quickly, with her recent diagnosis of Macular Degeneration and a stroke in one eye, too. Sometimes she remembers her medication, sometimes not. My Dad says “I told her to take it and she must have forgot!” “She won’t listen to me.” He is not attentive to her completely. He is also forgetful, a severe diabetic, and dealing with a not-so-successful knee replacement from a year ago. He keeps his head above water, just enough to care for himself, for the most part. How do my siblings and I help my Mom without insulting my Dad, his care is not sufficient. I feel like my hands are tied and it’s horrible to just sit back and watch this unfold. Yes some of us visit them while in Florida, but that doesn’t help for their daily needs.

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You don’t. You can’t. You have to work around the dementia.

My parents were just fine too. Mom bleeding all over from a fall and Dad driving around trying to find the hospital mom was taken to.

Once I got mom placed assisted living, I took Dad over to have lunch with her. He’s living there with her now “Until mom gets better”.

They are not leaving. It was tough and we’ll have some bumps but it’s was past time.

You’re there now with your guys I think.
Helpful Answer (26)

These guys are not going to make it at home. Insulting your dad is a minor issue at this point. I just went through getting my parents in care after frequent falls mom was having and my dads dementia increasing.  It was just in the nick of time.

Is there family near? You need boots on the ground soon.
Helpful Answer (22)

Patty, let me share a story with you. My aunt and uncle (he with dementia, she with CHF, but no cognitive issues) lived alone in a big isolated house, refused all care, accepted my cousin bringing in groceries and cleaning their house (cousin with 4 kids of her own, blind MIL living at her home, managing finances for 4 other elders, in her late 60s).

Aunt falls one day, can't bear weight. Uncle drags her around the house for 3 days on a throw rug ( I never asked about the bathroom aspect of this, didn't want to know). Cousin shows up with groceries and aunt says (from the throw rug) "every thing is fine. No don't call anyone, we're just fine". 911 is called. Uncle attacks EMS workers who removed aunt.

Aunt has hip surgery, rehabs well for 3 months. INSISTS on returning home to her husband.

24/7 caregivers were brought in at this point (Aunt and Uncle were seriously rich, thank G-d,) and although uncle fired the caregivers every other day, they knew to stay, I think they hid out in the carport until he was calm.

You can't make this stuff up. Interestingly, my aunt passed first of her heart issues; uncle lived in memory care and then a VA nursing home for about a year after she died. Happy as a clam, once they got him on the right meds.

Please don't feel bad that you can't fix this problem. I apparently had one of the very few cooperative demented elderly moms for which I will be ever grateful.
Helpful Answer (21)

Your mom needs more care. Your dad needs more care. Someone needs to visit and arrange for a needs sssessment which can usually be arranged through their local Area Agency on Aging.
Helpful Answer (19)

What Windy said. You get a needs assessment, at least in part, to know what someone ELSE thinks mom and dad needs right now. For some folks, hearing from a "professional" trumps what their "kid" thinks. Not often, but sometimes.

It also puts the elders on someone else's radar. And it make you feel like you're doing something.

Believe me, that last is NOT to be ignored. I think otherwise, the guilt when the big "something" happens is kind of overwhelming.
Helpful Answer (19)

They are ready for at least an AL. Your Mom may even be ready for Hospice. You no longer have to have a diagnosis of dying in six months. They would help keep her comfortable . Call the Office of Aging near them. They will evaluate the situation.
Helpful Answer (18)

Listen to Barb, and Windy.
Helpful Answer (11)

We did basically the same as Windyridge....Mom had a UTI, had to go into rehab after hospitalization as she was so weak, we finally took Dad to rehab as "Mom needed him with her" (he has pretty advanced Alzheimer's and could not be by we discovered bedbugs in their home, so the agency would not send caregivers), then moved them into assisted living from there (we were still dealing w/cleaning out bedbugs, so used that as excuse) Mom was actually relieved in most ways...Dad was getting incontinent and they were 89 and 91...and Dad keeps asking my sister and I to take him home, which breaks our hearts, but we tell him he IS home...he is in his "retirement home" and that works as well as possible...most of the time he is content. It is very hard...we didn't have to use the aging council, but is a good idea, too!
Helpful Answer (10)

My father was the same way with my Mom. In fact, he was mean and cruel to her. So I had to protect her. It was sad.
Helpful Answer (6)

Regarding the Florida "snowbirds", do they have a local doctor who can certify the need for Home Health services? Also, if someone has that much pain sitting in a chair she may have a fracture, not just arthritis. I suggest you get her to an ER for an Xray.
Helpful Answer (5)

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