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I have a grandmother that was in a nursing home. She got discharged the week before her discharge date. Meaning the nursing home recommended her go to behavioral hospital due to the fact she kept refusing her medication at the facility. Hospital of Methodist recommended I take her to a new nursing home, that it could be the fact she doesn’t like it there no more. She had been there about 4 years. They tried to transfer her back to the facility she was in to the fact that she had a week left there. Sadly, they didn’t want her back and didn’t give her that week of stay that she had left. I’m 25, doing this by myself, and struggling to find her a new nursing home due to the fact she needs a secure unit and also she is a smoker. I lost my grandpa last year, which is her husband, from a heart attack and I lost my dad from Covid. Sadly, he was still in his early 40s. I believe that she refused taking her medication at the nursing home she was discharged from cause she misses my dad, she misses her husband. Her two other sons wouldn’t even go see her but once after they learned she was about to get kicked out. One her sons has money, good money. He has his own two business, and her other son don’t work, only his wife. I can’t have her staying with me. I did my best to give her the medication she needs, and I did try look for the right nursing home for her. I took a month off of work and I need to go back. I don’t know where to put her. I don’t want to kick her out. I do love her. I try my best. What should be my next step? I know people tell me "do caregivers" or "get paid to be her caregiver" but it's not my house. It's my mother's house and this isn't her mom. I mean, I can’t have a caregiver in my mom's house. I’m out of choices. I’m stressed. I need to work. I’m upset. I would think the nursing home would've understood she's going through a lot. Yes, I know she had ups and downs with them, but come on. She's depressed. I believe also two sons that won’t bother to help me with her so I can work. They are grown men in their 40s and 50s. I also don’t wanna get in trouble with Texas services or anything. I just can’t have her in my mom's house. Please someone tell me what I should do next because I don’t want nothing to happen to her and land on my hands, especially because she's diabetic. I wish someone can take elderly loved ones in a situation like this if we can’t really provide for them. I’m so upset with her because if she just cooperated right at the nursing home, I wouldn’t be struggling and about to lose my job. I know she knows now, but sometimes I feel like she's selfish and she's happy she's here with me, but I try make her understand I’m not a nurse. It's stressful 24/7 that her sons should've helped and taken over.

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Tkee gma to the ER and ask to speak to a social worker.

Tell them that there is no one to care for her at home, that she is non-compliant with doc's orders and medication and needs to be placed.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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You have been though so much! And now you feel there's so much more you must do. I'm sure you love your grandmother. BarbBrooklyn and the other responders gave good advice: take her back to the ER since she is not taking her meds and is diabetic. Tell them she is an unsafe discharge and there's no one at home to help her and that you cannot. They may pressure you quite a bit to take her home, even promise to set up help, but unfortunately, this is not true. You will be right back to where you are now.

The county social services and APS needs to know she's a vulnerable adult so that they can acquire legal guardianship of her and take care of all her needs. That's why she needs to not be removed from the hospital, even if she begs you. She is no longer making decisions in her own best interests, which may be depression or dementia. You can't force her to take meds and you aren't responsible for her life or happiness. Professionsals will do a much better job than you are able.

Regarding her sons, you cannot force them to do anything. And maybe they've already realized that they can't force her to do anything, especially if they are not her DPoA and have no legal ability to act on her behalf. The cost of care is astronomincal: if they attepted to pay for her full-time care they'd be drained doing it. And then where would their own families be in the future? So you see, don't have any expectations of them helping because this pointless hope will delay your grandma in getting help from the county.

I wish you peace in your heart as you back away and let others take over. For some problems, there are just no satisfying solutions. (((hugs))))
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Roselynny23 May 6, 2022
Thank you so much I’m praying these three nursing home will call today and take her if not I will do that I’ll call Aps I did everything I can on my end. Yes agree her sons are pointless I just also had trouble them butting in and having arguments but their just all talk. I will do that today
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Roselyn, they wanted to send grandma to a behavioral unit because that's where the psychiatrists are. She needs to get on meds BEFORE she can get back into a regular nursing home.
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Roselynny23 May 6, 2022
Same so actually the nursing home recommended that and I took her to Methodist for them to transfer her their to the behavioral hospital and they didn’t they said they don’t recommend her going behavioral hospital and when she had that last week at the nursing home they didn’t give her that chance to go back or help me look for another place. It hard when she a smoker plus she needs a secure unit I try so many nursing homes around my area that I got nothing hopefully praying I have 3 nursing homes left for them to call me this morning or I’ll just need to take her hospital and let aps take over cause I did everything I could on my part to find her somewhere
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All we've been hearing on the news is about Abortion rights like, "My body, My Choice." Well, I believe the motto pertains to end-of-life choices, too.

Grandma should be allowed to make choices in her care and that includes taking medications. If she's okay with the outcomes, she can choose to let everyone know what her choices are and you can put that on record with your phone.

Please take the responsibility off your shoulders and call Adult Protective Services, in your area and, ask for a Social Worker to place her. When it's all taken care of.................take a vacation and set it up so that it's non-refundable!
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Reply to ConnieCaretaker
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*hugs* idk if im going to offer much help, but! I do know what you are going through to the extent of having NO help and being younger than most ...who have to do this stuff... I wanted to write you and let you know you are not the only one ....at this time stage of life that has what feels like the world on their shoulders :S ... I am in Texas also, I am my grandma (she is my adoptive mom) primary care giver at home, she has dementia, and things u said, such as the not wanting to take pills :|! I struggle with and understand SO much

You are in a different situation than me, but I am a massive nerd ... pathetically so probably ... I am very familiar with Texas services and I may could help at least direct you ? in some sort of direction re: her needs in a nursing home?
what part of tx are you in if I may ask?

ive moved from nyc to Abilene =\ been here since 2015 bc we found out my dad/gpa was dying... and after he ..left... my mom started declining. but it's horrible now and I am alone and terrified... and if you are too, please know u can msg me... idk about u, but it's not something most of my "friends" or even the man ive been with since our teens, even tries to understand... he gets ...mad and .. idk I just want you to know that you and I are around the same age and it is SO HARD for me atm bc ... every1 seems to be mad at me bc I spend time ... doing what I have to do ... and if u need anyone to talk to about stuff, I am here... for what it is worth because it is so much worse being in this alone..

there are a lot of other ppl I am sure who are wiser than I and they are probably replying now too so I am sure you'll do great :) but if you want me to give u the resources I have and have had to use re: nursing homes in the past and stuff, or just to talk... msg me and ill do anything I can...

best wishes <3
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Reply to Usedmisfit
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Elaborating on what Barb said, take Grandma to the ER. Write a note to hand to staff saying that she is an unsafe discharge, and you cannot care for her at home under any circumstances. They may promise home help, but won’t deliver.

Once they understand that you won’t be the solution, they will work on stabilizing her behavior, probably with medication, , after which they will transfer her to a snf.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Excellent advice below. Please follow it.

"Hospital of Methodist recommended me take her to a new nursing home that it could be the fact she don’t like it their no more which she was in about 4 years."

Do you have Power of Attorney? Healthcare Power of Attorney? If so, why did her 2 remaining sons allowed this to be dumped on you? I'm also curious if your mother cautioned you to NOT become involved in your grandmother's care?

It is NOT your responsibility to take care of your grandmother. Please be very clear with the staff at any facility (including hospital) that there is NO ONE to take care of her, and that she needs to be placed. If you don't take a firm stance, your bleeding heart will bleed you dry.
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Roselynny23 May 6, 2022
Yes i am power of attorney I took over just cause no one will my aunt was power attorney before hand and my dad pass away so I was her only hope. The nursing home kept telling her sons that she refused her medication so much they can no longer have her. I been trying meany nursing homes it the fact she needs a unit and she a smoker. I am waiting for three nursing homes to get back at me this morning if no luck I will take her hospital to get check and let them know. Everything was good at the nursing home I believe it was my grandmother behavior as well I would think the nurses help getting her psychiatrist or something while she was there.
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I think you need to get advocates and play hardball. Is your mom alive and grandma’s with her and you’re supposed to take care of them both?

My understanding is that a facility can’t release a patient if there’s not a safe environment (where care can be managed) for the person. I gather you didn’t know you could refuse her discharge so they discharged to you and made grandma’s care your problem.

Do NOT become her caregiver. It’s not your job. She will fight you and stress you with her smoking and refusing meds and who knows what other destructive attitudes. Plus it gives her sons an excuse to do nothing but criticize and blame you.

Call 2-1-1. They know the system … and it’s free.

Take her to emergency or call 9-1-1 if she refuses to go. Refuse discharge. If grandma winds up in the psych ward, she might decide taking meds is a better option. Once conforming to the rules, a nursing home should accept her.

Good luck and condolences on the loss of your dad.
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Lymie61 May 9, 2022
This is her fathers (who is deceased) mom, I didn’t get a sense of what the relationship was between original posters (OP) parents. OP lives with her mother and the way I read it has brought her grandmother home to her mothers house while she tried to find a new NH for her grandmother. It doesn’t sound like the mother has had any responsibility for the grandmother other than allowing her daughter to bring her home temporarily. How and why this 25 y/o granddaughter has become responsible for her grandmother is another subject and I’m sure your right about the way the hospital or NH manipulated this.
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Take her back to the hospital ER or call the aging agencies recommended. Care of the aged, sick, and particularly difficult, it a task that the government and medical system (as well as taxpayers) are avoiding because it is expensive, difficult, and no money or votes in it. A 25 year old cannot solve problems that these big institutions cannot. Grandma is just going to end up somewhere she can't smoke and probably will have to take her medication. That is really not a terrible fate; she sounds like a two year old having a tantrum. Not unusual in some older people. She may even have to cooperate with her caregivers. Back out, don't apologize, don't explain. This is a game when everyone is trying to find someone else to hold the bag. Please take care of yourself, sounds like no one else in the family is doing so, drop the bag on those more able to carry it, even if they are trying to not do so.
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Reply to Moxies
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Your only option is to take her to the ER. Tell them you have tried everything and she has no place to stay. Make sure SHE knows that you are out of options because she decided NOT to take her meds. It's her fault. The hospital and nursing home both know that if there is no place to send her home to, they HAVE to assign her a social worker to get placement for her. If they know they are stuck with her, they will fast-track getting a social worker assigned to her case. Do not offer to look for it yourself, do not EVER let them bully you into taking her home again. This is what they want, because they know you don't know what their procedures are. You do not know all the tricks they have at their disposal. Do not offer to pay for it. They will get her set up with Medicaid if she does not have the funds to pay for it. Stay with her in the ER, so they don't think it is elder abuse by abandonment. Make it clear to them she has not been taking her meds and you are not able to deal with this. Make sure they know you have tried and no longer have the option of caring for her.
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judy7363 May 9, 2022
Why is it important to you to point out to the mom that this is HER fault because she wouldn't take her meds? Maybe mom has some dementia going on and making mom feel bad and responsible serves what purpose?
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