What do you do if you are accused of theft by your elderly parents?

AHHH, we are going through the same thing. Although, when we find something that she accuses us of stealing-(it is my mother in law), she says we are trying to make her think she is crazy.

I am at my wits end...

When my mother in law started having problems, I saw it because I was with her all the time. My husband was in denial and his brothers never did much so they didn't know what was going on. She could act normal for a while and she would only see them or the neighbors for moments or maybe an hour or so at the longest. They never knew how she didn't change her clothes for weeks, not pay her bills or just the things I just knew wasn't right.
I took her for a geriatric assessment. I made the arrangement through the local council for aging but your doctor should be able to tell you. They can tell you what problems are occurring. They could tell us that mom was in the beginning of Alzheimers and where her deficits are.
They can also help with what medications to take that will help with the behaviors. I hope this helps. It is best to get the doctor on board with you now, it will help you and your dad. But please remember, this is an illness..he doesn't mean what he is saying. He doesn't understand what is going on. And know also that it may not always be like this...know that you are not alone....God Bless!

My mother does this all the time but it isn't me that she is accusing, it's people at the ALF.....Thru time I have learned all of her hiding places and make sure that we look under the matteras, etc and eventually the missing items turn up. This is very common in people with dementia I'm sorry to say...Hopefully the missing jewelry will turn up soon

Thank you for your reply. I am struggling to try to keep in mind this is a sickness, but as you know it is hard not to be emotional. My father will not see or talk to me and since he seems normal to others I can't believe he thinks I am such a thief. We used to be really close.
I feel like I should take some action but do not know what to do. Should I call his doctor. Would medication help? or is this just the way he is going to think from now on? He is 78. Thank you for any advice.

My mother in law accused me of stealing from her right before Christmas. She cut the entire families Christmas gifts and this was her rationale. At that point, the entire family knew she was having severe problems. I wouldn't steal from her..I worked for a Bank for 25 years. I cleaned up the messes when she didn't pay her bills.
Please remember these actions aren't your Mom. With these problems of the mind if she is like my mother in law, she will go through several mind & personality changes. It is really difficult until they know that they are having problems. I don't know how I would be if I couldn't remember just normal everyday things and I think what is really scary is the paranoia that accompanies this. Mom would call us in the middle of the night and she would think she was robbed or people were looking in her windows.
She would take watches, checkbooks and things that everyone knew didn't belong to her...but in her mind...she had one and she thought it belonged to her. That is the reason there is such problems in nursing homes...The residents don't intentionally steal...they truly believe the items or money is there's and that is why they pick it up.
I hope this helps you. I know it is difficult but please know you are not alone. I just always try to remember that this isn't her. I love her and try to make her days as happy and comfortable as possible. She has alienated the entire family against her and ourselves. I resent that also but I try to remember that if the family spent the time with her that they should have they would recognize and understand the symptoms.
We are lucky because she still recognizes my family and she is happy in the facility. She also knows that she has problems. She broke her back in April falling out of bed. I had her out the other day and she told me she was sorry if she ever said anything bad about me. She told me that I was the only one who really cares about her.
She does have times when she is lucid. It is those times that makes it all worthwhile...it is then that you see a glimpse of what used to be. It is those times that you know that your parent does know what you have done and that you love them.]
Don't give up....she knows you love her...it is just a very confusing time for her...

Although I've not been accused of "stealing," per se, Mom has asked me more than once when I'm going to return all the things I've been borrowing from her. We have 2 separate rooms, 2 separate bathrooms, we do not have the same taste in clothing or jewelry, and we are definitely not the same size. Being rather confused the first time I was asked this, I asked her what I borrowed from her. She didn't know. I asked her when I borrowed these (mystery) items from her. She didn't know. But she was sure I borrowed from her all the time. I tried to reassure her that I had not borrowed anything from her at any time, but she just wasn't buying it. I finally told her I would go and look for the things and put them back in her room. That satisfied her, and she forgot about the whole conversation an hour later.

Until about 3 weeks later when she started the whole routine all over again........(sigh).

I don't understand how someone who has obvioud dementia can act normal around others. My father accuses me of stealing ....even to the point of stealing things from his bank safety deposit box which is impossible. He hurtfully accused me of stealing the necklace off my dying mother's neck. He has kicked my out and will not talk to me.
I talk to others he knows and they say he seems normal.
Any advice on what I should do?

I was a bank manager for 25 years and always took care of my mother in law. When she accused me of stealing from her, I was devastated. But I had to remember that this was the disease, not her. Her children who were in denial about the alzheimers started to believe the doctors at that point.
Mom has been in a nursing home now for 3 years and she has moved away from the stealing topic. She normally has 3 questions that she asks over and over again. We just answer and move her on to something else. But please know that it seems that every patient goes through this.
I always thought it was because she was losing control and she didn't know where to start. Children always blame other children when they can't explain what is going on.
In mom's case, I never left her. She even accused her son of aweful things but we stood there and still went to see her and take care of everything every day. She still knows us and she always says "I wouldn't have a life if it weren't for you and Sherri"..."You never forget about me". She does talk about us nasty when we are not there...but I will take that...I tell her that she doesn't have to worry about what she had for lunch..that isn't important..as long as she remembers us!

You might offer to help them get a safe box at their bank. After my mom died, and before we knew how bad Dad's dementia was, he destroyed their federal savings bonds. We were able to replace them ( a long saga with a very happy ending) and put them in a lock box at the bank. It's not a perfect solution, but maybe it could work for you.
Most solutions aren't simple, are they?

Thank you all. We needed to read this.

Remember that your loved one is feeling less capable of taking care of themselves. They are not used to relying on us adult children (or anyone) for help. They feel vulnerable.

Whether you live with your parent or not, you are a care-giver. I URGE you to speak with a therapist for yourself. I have learned so many skills on handling issues that happen with my dad. Dad does not have dementia but he has underwent chemo for cancer and has become very reliant on me. Sometimes he thinks I hide his car keys - I do! I do not want him to drive.

But I sat down with dad and said "you and I are going to be honest with each other. I will never hide anything from you. I will help you all I can. I will push you to get better. You cannot drive yet. But if you want cash in your wallet, I understand that and I will make sure there is cash in there."

Dont get cops involved if you are accused of stealing. Talk with other family members. Get everyone together to help search for missing item.

Accept your parent is scared and dont get defensive or condescend. Acknowledge that not finding something must be distressing and admit it happens to you too!

Based on what I've read, this is a warning flag for Alzheimer's. Is this a possibility?

My friend's mom accused her of taking $50 from her that was in a bank envelope. After several months of hearing about it, she placed $50 into a bank envelope, hid it in the house, then offered to help her mom "find" the money. Well, they "found" it alright. When mom opened the envelope, the first thing she said was, "I didn't have any tens in my envelope.

Talk about fooling some of the people some of the time!

Thanks to all for your answers. And as Carol has already seen between the lines...look with them (IF THEY ALLOW IT). You sure you haven't already met my mother? (smile) Once she gets something in her mind, she's is convinced and there is nothing you can do to change it. Like the fact we have 6 bathrooms (we have 3). Or we have a basement (never had one). She told me the entry to the other bathrooms was through my father's bathroom. I took her there and said, "Show me the door". Of course it wasn't there. Because, she said, I HAD MOVED IT. You gotta laugh at the craziness to keep from crying/screaming. And sometimes it's not so easy. Thanks to you all for the support.

Good idea, Butterball. Looking with them (if they allow it) is a great plan.
Carol

I'm there as well. My mother tells people that I have stolen her jewelry, money, and CD's of her favorite singers. She hasn't directly accused me, but tells anyone who listens that it's true.

Best not to try to deny accusations or to reason with the patient. Instead, you might offer to help search for the items when you're there next time. Ask "Where was the XXX last time you saw it?"

You are definitely not alone with this. Many of us know your pain and the fear of having to go through court proceedings because of your parents' dementia. If this has happened before, hopefully others are aware of that. This would help you a lot.

No, she likely won't listen to you, as she can't remember where she put it, so you (if you are the caregiver) must have taken it. That’s her logic.

The horrible part is, sometimes elders are taken advantage of this way, so law enforcement is more apt to follow through (which they should if it's true). The good part is that the kind of thing you describe happens so frequently, that they likely understand that side, too.

Get anyone you know behind you. Even though, painful as it is, your parents may not be convinced until they stumble on the jewelry, it's time to start getting some witnesses to understand this is a common happening. That could help protect you in the future.

Others on this site have had this happen, so watch for comments.
Carol