My mother recently called my home phone and wasn't aware that the answering machine had picked up. (my mother is a massive stroke survivor of 9 years ago). I was able to hear one side of the conversation she was having with my father. She accused me of stealing all her jewelry during my last visit home. Moreover, she stated that I had even shown what I had taken to my father before I left home. Undoubtedly they have misplaced her jewelry (again) someone in the home and can't remember where it's been put. She then called me at midnight and restated her claim that I had stolen her jewelry (this time I answered the phone but she wouldn't listen to anything I said.) Question: what should I do if she officially accuses me of the theft to the police? Should I shrug it off as part of the territory with elderly parents or is there something proactive I should do? My father has been diagnosed with moderate dementia. Thank you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm
I have been helping an elderly aunt since she has a myriad of health problems and her only living child won't help. Neither will her grandchildren. I have shuttled her to countless doctor appointments, gotten her in and out of the hospital at least 4 times in the past year, in and out of PT rehab, done her weekly grocery shopping, separated meds, etc. On and on. She regularly hides or misplaces things and immediately announces that someone stole it.
She is now living in an assisted living facility (long time coming). She calls me daily with some type of crisis. Yesterday she called me screaming that someone had stolen her keys from her purse. She found them but didn't bother to call and tell me that. Now she is telling others I took her jewelry from her house. She also said I "stole her postage stamps she had hidden in her medicine cabinet!" Stamps in the medicine cabinet?
(I'm the type who wouldn't steal a stale cracker from her even if I was starving). But I shouldn't even have to defend my character to anyone who KNOWS her or me and all that I've done for her. I know she hid her jewelry because she hides everything. She has lost 2 sugar monitors, her eyeglasses, a dental bridge, and now several pieces of her jewelry. Over the past year she has accused me of stealing an insurance check (she found it in a pile of mail), snooping in her checkbook (because I was in the same room with it), stealing a necklace (which she later found and hid again), then accused me of stealing the same necklace and other jewelry.
I know she has mild dementia setting in and I know the one who does the most for the feeble minded catches HELL, but it still hurts. No matter what you do for them, they expect more and more and treat you worse and worse.
She accused her granddaughter of stealing a small pack of photos. When her granddaughter found them on top of the entertainment center, my aunt accused her of putting them there!
I saw my grandmother treat my mom this way. My mom did EVERYTHING for her and my grandmother constantly yelled and berated her and accused her of stealing her money. She would be sweet as syrup to her son whenever he would visit. She would tell us my mother neglected her.
When my mom and dad finally took a much deserved vacation, they arranged for my grandmother to stay a week with her son and his wife and then a week at home with sitters and visitors coming daily. A few days before my parents returned from vacation, my grandmother had one of her sitters in tears demanding she call APS and report my parents for abandonment!
It is so incredibly frustrating!
So skip forward to 2017. I wanted him to meet my now husband. We had been together 5 years but with all that was going on, he had only met my Dad at Richard's funeral. So when we got engaged, I said to Dad I thought they should meet. Dad was thrilled. He came to the house and proceeded to show us photos of a lady called Linn!!! He too apparently had known her 5 years, but was not intending on marrying "as marriage was a waste of time and just a piece of paper!!!" Well as you can imagine I was flabergasted.
A little bit further on and Dad was burgled. Strangely they took my dead brothers fishing gear, amounting to quite a collection of expensive things. They didn't take anything else and if you knew the lay out of the house, then you would know it's odd. In light of this I asked Dad if I could move Mum's jewellery she left me over 6 years prior to my own home and I would get a good safe. He agreed. About a week after I moved it, I had a random phone call accusing me of stealing a ring he had wanted to keep. I hadn't of course but it had been in the safe in a box, I know that because I check what was left in the safe. The fact he accused me rather than say 'did you perhaps pick it up when you moved your mum's jewellery' or something similar, was what hurt the most. No amount of me telling him he was mistaken helped. I was so angry I told him a week later he was not invited to my wedding unless he retracted what he said. You've guessed it, I did eventually think better of my decision so sent him and Linn and invite. He refused to come to the wedding, much to the horror of all our family and friends. His best friends of 60 years came and they were so mad at him for not coming and also because he accused me of stealing.
The truth is I thought I was alone, but clearly I'm not. There are so many people going through this with their parents and I have to say I'm relieved. I can't forgive my father for all manor of things and the jewellery is the least of it. The things he's admitted to me about having tantrums and storming out on my mum, running our cat over in one of these stupid childish tantrums (something our mum kept a secret). I can't forgive him going away when my brother was dying, or not attending my wedding, not to mention having my brother cremated when he wanted to be buried next to my mother. But at least I know I'm not alone