I speak to my mom at least once a day. Her moods swing from way up to way down. We have always been like oil and water. She now says that it was 'always her dream' to live with me. I live around 165 miles away, I have my own home and a job with 20+ years service. There is nothing comparable in her town, and if she were to move here, she wouldn't like it as her home town is everything - all other cities fall short. In the few visits she's had here, everything here was "stupid". My brother lives in the same town. At Easter, he bailed out on dinner, and then he was the villain, as I had to do everything for the dinner. I wasn't on the ** list for once. Well, one day this week she wouldn't answer my calls, then the next day was ok. Then last night, she told me how two women of similar age range both broke their hips. One has been in very poor health, in the throes of dementia. One had an accident. I could tell it was coming - she wants to move in with me. I have told her before no. I even found some senior apartments not far from here but she yelled at me for doing so. I am evil for not wanting to "take her in". Her last visit here many years ago had me so stressed out that friends and co-workers actually were concerned about me. She hung up on me last night saying well don't call me mom, call me the forgotten one. Say what? I have a two story house, which she says was a deliberate evil plot by me, so she couldn't come to stay here. She then said I needed to get a stair lift. No, there are very few ranch style homes in my price range, that's it. We had never ever discussed her living with me. We were not that close as I grew up; my brother was everything, while she would laugh at me, tell me not to get my hopes up if I tried out for something, never really emotionally supportive. She was financially supportive. My dad died when I was 13, and from that time on, she really leaned on me to do a lot. She won't admit it, but I did do a lot for her, as she was the typical 50's housewife, didn't drive, didn't work outside the home. Well, then tonight she called me. I was less than excited as I've been in bed all day with a bad cold. She just said as I answered the phone "do you love me?" Then she went in a rant about how she can't even make a meal. I was like what do you want, I cannot drive to your house at the drop of a hat. Now, she had told me she had baked cookies (for brother who is now again a saint), just the other day. So she can make meals if she can bake cookies. I said ok, well I'll just quit my damned job tomorrow. Then I'll move back there, because I do not know what else will appease you. She hung up. It's this way all the time. I do a whole list of chores when I go there, nothing is done right, then she's all teary when I leave, laying on a huge guilt trip. I would suggest someone to help her - a live in service, but she refuses any such help, will not go to any assisted living or nursing home. She is hellbent on living with me, as she says I must do my duty. I don't understand why she doesn't want to live with my brother, but she says oh it's the daughter who must take care - although her brother took care of her mother, not her. I just dread every conversation and visits are horrible. I've tried to bite my tongue, which I do a lot, but when I ask how do you want xxx only to be told I'm stupid, I have lost it. Help.

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I would simply say, "Mom, you and I fight like cats and dogs. Us living together would never, ever work. We'd drive each other crazy. I'll be glad to look at a place down the road for you." If she gets mad and starts yelling at you, just tell her you'll talk to her when she's feeling better.

Your mother sounds a whole lot like mine. I moved in with mine over six years ago. It has been very difficult. I originally tried to get her and my father to move out near me in TX, but I couldn't get them out of the house. I wish I had it all to do over again. I would avoid painting myself in a corner -- I don't know how, but I would.

BTW, having a XX karyotype doesn't make us any better at caregiving than having an XY karyotype.
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