Follow
Share

My mom has been in MC almost a year now. Today is her 89 birthday Her sister is begging me to visit her. The thing is my mom never liked her sister- so much that she specifically wrote in her will that she didn’t want her sister and her sister’s family to have anything. My dad and I do feel that the visit will aggravate my mom. My aunt has now ramped up her requests to messaging me daily . I’ve been very cordial and polite. What are your thoughts about how to kindly stop these maddening requests?

M has been in MC for a year. She may no longer feel bad about her sister, and be curious to see her. I have left my two sisters nothing in my will, because they can look after their own estates and dependents, not because ‘I’ve cut them off without a shilling’. Aunt may also be curious, and want to talk over some of the better bits of childhood. Why assume the worst?

My suggestion would be to set up a short visit. Warn Aunt that M is easily upset, which is bad for her, and the visit may need to be terminated at short notice.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

My husband has a half-sibling he hasn't gotten along with for over 25 years, to the point where he told me not to notify her directly when he dies. I know exactly why. Any attempt by her to see my husband would be self serving and upset my husband.
You must know why your Mom dislikes your Aunt so much. Let your Aunt know your Mom had bad feelings towards her for quite some time and you are afraid your Aunt's visit would really upset your Mom. Tell her for this reason, you have to protect your Mom from unnecessary agitation.
I bet your Aunt knows your Mom's feelings towards her.
If you are curious, ask your Aunt the reason she feels the need to visit now while your Mom is compromised. Probably your Aunt is trying to find her own peace, a bit too late.
No need to mention the will. She'll find out she gets nothing upon your Mom's demise.
Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JanPeck123
Report

I think your mother's position is clear. She doesn't want her sister or her sister's family to have anything. She never liked her sister. Your dad and you feel a visit from sister would aggravate your mother. I agree

Why are you even considering this? I think your mother deserves to have peace and her position about her sister honoured at her age.

I don't care for my sister either. My kids know this. I'm not in a facility but if at any point my sister tried to work through my kids to see me, I would be upset if they gave in to her. I have made a decision that I expect them to respect.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to golden23
Report

Do you know why your aunt wants to visit? Does she want a (possibly) final visit with her sister for some closure? Does she want to make amends for past disagreements? Is it possible a visit might give your mother some peace or closure regarding their relationship? (Not involving changing the will, of course, since your mother isn't competent.)

Or might your aunt have some nefarious goal, like getting your mother to agree to something inappropriate with finances?

Would your mother understand the request if you ask her whether she would like her sister to visit?

If you decide to allow the visit, make sure you and your dad are there. Also alert the staff; they can make sure that your aunt doesn't get any access to your mother not approved by the two of you.

But if you're certain that a visit would cause your mother distress, just tell the aunt that a visit isn't possible and ignore her daily communications going forward.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MG8522
Report

Try running the idea past mom, it’s possible dementia has made things different. If mom reacts badly, tell aunt she doesn’t do well with visitors anymore. No need to be cruel to anyone
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

This is tough.
I do believe that bridges can sometimes be mended.
I do believe that it is possible that a person with dementia may not "remember" that they liked or did not like a person previously.
Is your mom aware enough to agree to a visit? (what would happen if you asked her about her sister or showed her a picture. What would your mom say? If she seems fine with the photo and the questions you could then ask if "Betty Sue" could visit.)
That said if at ANY YIME mom seems upset or if "Betty Sue" starts in on any topic that would get m om upset then you can escort "Betty Sue" out of the building.
If just mentioning her sister makes m om upset then you tell "Betty Sue" that the facility doctor has recommended no visitors at this time. Give some reason like there is RSV or the Flu going around the facility and they are discouraging visitors at this time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Does not this Aunt know that her sister does not like her?

I agree, let her visit when u or Dad are there. Tell her ahead it will need to be a short visit. See how Mom reacts. If not well, then sister will not be allowed to visit again. Just tell Aunt that agitation is not good for Dementia patients.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Stop being polite.
Tell your Aunt that your mother never liked her. Tell her that you and her hubby agree that her visit would upset your mother.
Tell her the answer is "NO", and that it will not change, and that if her pleas continue you will block her number.

You cannot deal with people who will not accept "no" for an answer. So don't try. There's enough on your plates. This Aunt is displaying some narcissistic tendencies in that she is unable to see anything but her own reflection, her own wishes. She is too late. There can be no redemptive bedside movie-moment here. Our actions have consequences. It's quite simple really.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time on her. Her history suggests that she will not be capable of any rationality in this.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

I totally agree with answers here! I had to tell my siblings that they could visit their father with me and that their father was not allowed out of the facility EVER! My siblings didn't argue but I had to brace myself for the hate if it were to come. Same with you Auntie may not like what you have to say but that's the way it is. If you must take Auntie then set a limit as was said in a previous comment. You must protect mom because YOU are MOMS ADVOCATE! Know that I have said a prayer for you during this time. ((hugs))
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Ohwow323
Report

Allow her to visit mom, but you and/or dad be present the whole time. That way you can easily put a stop to the visit if things get out of hand. Tell the staff ahead of time so that they're available to help get aunt out of there if necessary.

Of, if you don't wish to allow even that, block your aunt from your phones. You've probably been taught that this would be rude, but aunt is harassing you, and you don't have to put up with it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Tell her the truth. Your mother never liked her and deliberately left her out of her own will. If she is still insistent on visiting after that, give it a shot. If your mother has been in memory care for the last year she's not the same person her sister remembers, so give your aunt a head's up on that so she won't be shocked when she sees her.

If the visit doesn't go well and your mother starts getting agitated and upset, then your aunt must leave. Let her know this beforehand.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BurntCaregiver
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter