My mother is a widow and lives in her home with full time care because she has moderate dementia. My brothers now want her to go to assisted living even through she can clearly state to all of us and her doctors that she wants to stay in her home. This has became a horrible battle with them. I am the only daughter and took care of her for 2 years before she had full time care. Now that she lives in the same state as my brothers they say she should go to assisted living. I’m her POA and advocating for what she wants but it’s ruining my relationship with my brothers. Don’t know how to remedy this since they aren’t willing to budge even though the doctor said assisted living right now would actually make her decline.
Without giving details, you're looking for support to keep mom at home and for us to give a thumbs down to AL or Memory Care Assisted Living. Can't do that, sorry.
Why is it your brothers recommend that she go to Assisted Living now? What are they seeing that you are not?
What full time care does she have now? Are there caregivers around-the-clock?
What do those caregivers do?
Do you know that she can be in Assisted Living, and still have hired caregivers come to help her at "home"?
I don't know how the doctor can assess that moving to assisted living would make her decline. She will decline anyway. That is the nature of the disease. At some point, she will definitely need more care, more supervision, and living at home will be unsafe.
Being a person's PoA doesn't mean you give her what she wants automatically. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else resentment, exhaustion and burnout can occur. If you want to give her what she wants simply because she wants it (rather than arranging for what she needs and works with your brothers) then move in with her and continue to provide her care. When your Mom moved to the same state as your brothers, did you and your Mom assume what roles your brothers would perform? Or did they just not realize how needy your Mom was and now they've changed their minds?
Also, it's not really a dispute with them: they don't want to continue participating in her care and you can't force them. The problem is you and your Mom seem to be in denial and upset that they aren't doing what she expected.
More information for context would be helpful.
One of the pluses of entering assisted living at this point is that if the AL has a memory care unit, it’s easy to move her there when she needs it. And if she lives to severe dementia, she almost certainly will.
With moderate dementia, mom shouldn’t be making her own decisions now.
Is she safe staying at home?
(If no then I have to agree with your brothers)
Are her caregivers FULL TIME?
(If she is left alone at any time I have to agree with your brothers)
Can she afford to remain at home with full time caregivers?
(If no then brothers win this one as well)
As she declines will she be able to be safe in her home?
(If there are stairs, carpet, small bathrooms it may not be safe and again I have to side with your brothers)
What I do not agree with your brothers on is this. I believe that a person with dementia should not be in AL. They should be in Memory Care. The chance of them leaving if they are in AL is just to great. If she were to wander off the chance of her being found alive is not great.
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