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My mother is a widow and lives in her home with full time care because she has moderate dementia. My brothers now want her to go to assisted living even through she can clearly state to all of us and her doctors that she wants to stay in her home. This has became a horrible battle with them. I am the only daughter and took care of her for 2 years before she had full time care. Now that she lives in the same state as my brothers they say she should go to assisted living. I’m her POA and advocating for what she wants but it’s ruining my relationship with my brothers. Don’t know how to remedy this since they aren’t willing to budge even though the doctor said assisted living right now would actually make her decline.

My mom can also clearly state that she does not want to be in a care home. She also believes the care home she is in is a recruiting facility for Hollywood. She said the helicopters land out back to pick up residents to take them for screen tests. There comes a time when a care home is the best place, regardless of what the loved one wants. My mom actually became healthier once we got her in a care home. She has three square meals a day, meds on time and lots of activities.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Just because your mother can clearly state her wishes doesn't mean those wishes are appropriate. What about when she wishes to eat ice cream and candy instead of regular meals, or to go outside in winter w/o a coat, or for a stroll at 2am? Those things CAN and DO happen with dementia, I'm not kidding around. The doctor has no way of knowing how mom will react to managed care, so it's silly to believe he has a crystal ball. If your brothers are involved in moms care and no longer want to be, they cannot be forced. Mom's money may not last too long, either, with full time in home care.

Without giving details, you're looking for support to keep mom at home and for us to give a thumbs down to AL or Memory Care Assisted Living. Can't do that, sorry.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It sounds like you are now a distance from her, and your brothers are seeing her regularly. I would rely on their input. Being her POA does not mean doing what she says she wants. The purpose of having POA is to make decisions when she lacks the ability to make good decisions.

Why is it your brothers recommend that she go to Assisted Living now? What are they seeing that you are not?

What full time care does she have now? Are there caregivers around-the-clock?
What do those caregivers do?
Do you know that she can be in Assisted Living, and still have hired caregivers come to help her at "home"?

I don't know how the doctor can assess that moving to assisted living would make her decline. She will decline anyway. That is the nature of the disease. At some point, she will definitely need more care, more supervision, and living at home will be unsafe.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Even with full-time care in her home, she will get worse, much worse. Are your brothers having to step in when the multiple daily caregivers can't show up? Who is filling in? Who is scheduling all these caregivers? It must be at least 3 people coming and going each day in 8 hour shifts. Who is taking her to appointments, picking up prescriptions, cleaning her house, cutting the yard, grocery shopping, etc.? All of those tasks are a lot of work for anyone so if it's your brothers I can see why they want her to go to a nursing home. She needs that level of care. She will need round the clock care very soon. Please listen to your brothers.
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Reply to Caregiveronce
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Are they the ones proving hands on care and help when needed? That might be the reason.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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It seems she'd rather her sons orbit around her and she doesn't care what impact this is having on them. Why can't she go back to having full-time care?

Being a person's PoA doesn't mean you give her what she wants automatically. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else resentment, exhaustion and burnout can occur. If you want to give her what she wants simply because she wants it (rather than arranging for what she needs and works with your brothers) then move in with her and continue to provide her care. When your Mom moved to the same state as your brothers, did you and your Mom assume what roles your brothers would perform? Or did they just not realize how needy your Mom was and now they've changed their minds?

Also, it's not really a dispute with them: they don't want to continue participating in her care and you can't force them. The problem is you and your Mom seem to be in denial and upset that they aren't doing what she expected.

More information for context would be helpful.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Having your mother's POA gives you the decision-making authority. My question is, why has this become a battle? Why do your brothers care so much? What is their reasoning? Do they see that your mother is unsafe or inadequately cared-for in her home? Or are you expecting them to step up and do more than they can, because they live there? Or do they think the full-time in-home care will cause your mother to run out of money sooner than she would in a care facility? What exactly has escalated this from a disagreement among siblings to a battle that is ruining relationships?
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Reply to MG8522
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MargaretMcKen Nov 7, 2025
Or is it that they are providing more input than they expected, to supervise the carers or step in if carers don't turn up? It would be good to find out why they are pushing for AL.
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On what basis does doctor say she’ll decline in AL? I’ve seen it go either way. The doctor doesn’t have a crystal ball.

One of the pluses of entering assisted living at this point is that if the AL has a memory care unit, it’s easy to move her there when she needs it. And if she lives to severe dementia, she almost certainly will.

With moderate dementia, mom shouldn’t be making her own decisions now.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I want to make another suggestion. Her mental well being hinges upon socialization which an AL will provide more than mom would get just sitting at home. How about a trial comprmize, which is adult day care. It might cost a bit less than a caregiver for 8 hours. The enrichment activities and socialization might just tire her out by the end of the day. Consider trying it for a couple of months, then revisit if she would also thrive in AL. Some facilities offer respit programs that will skip an enrollment fee and give her an opportunity to try
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Reply to MACinCT
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A few questions
Is she safe staying at home?
(If no then I have to agree with your brothers)
Are her caregivers FULL TIME?
(If she is left alone at any time I have to agree with your brothers)
Can she afford to remain at home with full time caregivers?
(If no then brothers win this one as well)
As she declines will she be able to be safe in her home?
(If there are stairs, carpet, small bathrooms it may not be safe and again I have to side with your brothers)

What I do not agree with your brothers on is this. I believe that a person with dementia should not be in AL. They should be in Memory Care. The chance of them leaving if they are in AL is just to great. If she were to wander off the chance of her being found alive is not great.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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