I recently moved my parents to MC (3 months ago). My father has Alzheimer's and my mom has multiple physical problems in addition to cognitive decline. My mother was bedridden at home much of the last 12 years due to chronic pain, opioid addiction, anxiety, and depression. My dad did everything around the house and for her until it became too much for both of them. Now that they are in MC, my dad is getting a much-needed break. He is mobile and is often out of their room in the common areas. He has adjusted much better than my mother. I feel like he literally now has a way to escape her. My mom is wheelchair bound and is very upset that he's getting up and leaving her behind. She's also been making wild accusations that she's been raped multiple times and that one of the caregivers was having an affair with my 88 year old dad. She told one of the caregivers that the caregiver's brother had raped her (the caregiver doesn't even have a brother, much less one that had been in the facility). She claimed that a precious cross-stitch piece I made for her years ago had been broken and turned upside down by the staff who don't like her (it was hanging on the wall in the bedroom, undisturbed). Much of it is clearly delusional. Other claims are less wild - that the staff are calling her names and mishandling her during transfers. But the staff has made it well known to me how much they like my dad. He's sweet, he's agreeable, he never complains. That's who he's always been, except now he has little memory. I know they don't like my mother as much, because honestly I don't like my mother as much either anymore. But I don't want to discount EVERYTHING she says out of hand as age-induced paranoia. She asks for my dad to back up her stories, but he has Alzheimer's. Most of the time he cannot corroborate anything she says and just looks confused at what she's describing. It is getting harder to visit and see her cry saying she's being abused and she's afraid. She says the caregivers are nice when I'm there but some of them are mean when no one's around. I just don't know what to believe. But it was such an ordeal moving them on such short notice, and this place is clean, safe, beautiful, convenient for me to visit, the director is competent and caring, that the thought of relocating them again on what may be totally delusional accusations is daunting. I plan to talk to the director about the situation, but any advice is appreciated. Should I put a camera in their room? Would this cause backlash with the staff? I just don't know what to do.
This place sounds very good but direct care staff are human. If you alternate visits to include every shift and then ask the aides to perform some service for you, you’ll likely be able to figure out who, if anyone, is mistreating her. As you get to know them and converse with them, it will most likely be the person or person who concentrates on providing you mostly negative information about your mother. I found that this technique worked pretty well when our mother was in a nursing home. Such people also attempt to extract tips from famimy members and sometimes badmouth the nursing home or administrative personnel,
Second, thank you. My mom is just slipping into the really scary part of dementia, always a hoarder, now obessive about her objects and everyone else's, accuses the family of stealing her enormous pile of junk. It's harrowing.
Sending you love as you go through this.
Whatever you do, don't move her or both too soon.
This could be a revolving (door) brain functioning that will repeat itself wherever she may be living. All these changes are energy draining for everyone concerns, and costly.
* It could also be some jealousy and she may need / want attention, intermingled with anger, confusion, resentment(s).
While I am not in your situation, I would say that you are definitely on the right track(s):
1a. If you feel it necessary, take her to an MD for an exam.
1b. Talking to director; it is a major plus that you feel this person is competent and caring. Discuss your concerns with him/her.
2. Research TEEPA SNOW website. Her website is full of valuable education / info. If you don't find what you want, call their office. The staff is very supportive. Different types of dementia affect the brain differently so understanding this may help, a lot.
- FYI : I couldn't believe one of my clients last year talked to me about some chocolate pudding I purchased for her and how good it was (I know it is really good: Belgium chocolate fr Trader Joes). After this discussion, I found out that the container hadn't even been open. I was shocked and I've been in the field for over 10 years working with ind experiencing various dementia behaviors.
3. Consider your mom is confused and afraid.
4. Is her door locked at night (or during the days) or could someone walk in any time they want, including other residents.
5. Try leading your mom in a conversation of something fabricated and see if she takes the bite - and creates a story / fantasy around it.
6. Remember, you can try different strategies. I understand you don't want to totally discount what she says; you DO want to insure that she is safe and not being abused / that boundaries of acceptable behavior lines are not crossed. Are you (or hire someone) able to 'pop in' unannounced late at night, 4am or some time when she may think this is happening?
7. Does she have a roommate? Is it possible for her to get one and/or have a caregiver come in for a week or two for an overnight shift - so they can check in on her every 2-3 hours? Just short term although if anything inappropriate going on, the behavior may not happen knowing someone is there.
8. A camera (hidden) sounds like a good idea to me.
9/ I am sure you will get some excellent feedback here. I recommend you 'copy and paste' some of the helpful responses and put them in a binder for referral.
Then you'll know what's really going on.
When someone has such issues when dementia is in full swing-- the answer is to distract -- re-direct---
Maybe it is time for a trip to the more help side of the memory care unit as well. Too much freedom may be a problem for her. And maybe it is time for other folks like a preacher friend to come over more often and explain the facts of life to her-- soon her husband will not know who she is. That means time to be big girl and be the bigger person-- the one who promised God and a church full of people she would stand by her husband in sickness and in health. She might listen to the higher authority. In the mean time find something she can do that does not involve her husband. Maybe a Bible study or somethin'... do-- go see the activity director. Get the facility manager on board as well.
The most disturbing was a description of being followed home from work and raped. (She stated this to a staff member who called me about it. They had a legal obligation to investigate this.)
She also told me that she had been on a walk in the woods and lost her doll Charlie. This then turned into her telling me that she had a son who she gave away for adoption.
I have no way to find out if any of her stories are true as almost everyone who would know is dead. So yes, dementia causes delusions both mentally and visually.
If this isn’t going to work work for various reasons and you think she is still able to reason you could talk to the director about installing a camera or something like the Echo Show that allows you to drop in every so often to ease her mind about oversight and or put her on notice that she can’t make up stories (if you think she’s doing this knowingly). I suppose if the later is true and I’m not suggesting it is, a camera just for show that isn’t working should the facility balk at the idea, might work too. But the facility being a MC facility is probably used to these issues with paitents and may have ideas of their own. In general knowing you are an active participant in their care, visiting and talking to them regularly often keeps staff from treating even difficult patients poorly at times. Help them get to know her, tell them she wasn’t always this way and used to be as agreeable as Dad or about the issues that have caused her so much pain for years and how different she was prior, stuff that makes her human and enables them to make excuses for, overlook her behavior, help them develop an emotional attachment if you will, it might even help them come up with ideas to entertain her.
Just ideas, based on how well your dad is doing it sure sounds like you made the right choice and I’m not sure a move is going to change anything for mom. Good luck.
I agree that a camera would be helpful if allowed--it would show whether it is "all in the mother's head" or if the staff is behaving improperly. Thus, it would be to the benefit of both sides. If the staff is at fault, the presence of the camera might provide an incentive to improve.
Yes, do what you need to do to deal with Buena Vida, but be careful not to allow hate to rule your life--you want to keep others from having the same experience you did, and provide justice for those who have.
Speaking for myself I welcome the presence of monitors and cameras, and even sometimes wish we were all required to wear bodycams: I have just come from a client who directly addressed her (absent) brother in law and seemed very surprised when I queried this, first looking carefully around the room to check that there wasn't someone behind me whom I just hadn't noticed (nope. Definitely no BIL there, working on his laptop or otherwise...). During the call this lady went on to "resume" with me a conversation that we hadn't actually had, and although she knew her postal address she was unable to accept that this was where we both were at the time and repeatedly stated that she would do x, y and z when she got "home." I would not be at all surprised if this client made a complaint about me or any of my co-workers and I am sure that the client herself would be certain that what she said was true; but here's the thing, that even though this unfortunate lady may not be the person we are most overjoyed to see on our call list, we have all of us bent over backwards to reassure her and to protect her wellbeing. Sadly, what we are able to do for her is extremely limited.
I can imagine that in facilities with poor leadership, poor support for overstretched staff, poor training or any of the other things that can and do go wrong, residents are sometimes spoken to or even handled in a way that falls far short of acceptable standards. It may have happened. The question should be asked. But whatever you are able to find out, do not expect your mother herself to be convinced by objective evidence and so don't install cameras in order to reassure her because they won't. They're only about added peace of mind for you.
I've seen caregivers call my mom b@#th on camera and they know they are on camera. it is a very hard job so if you get that type of person - she may or may not be telling the truth. We use the RING camera - there are many types and easy to install - some just stand on a shelf - I hope she is not getting mishandled but a camera may provide answers. Good luck.
As others have noted, this is very common behavior with dementia. If the changes were sudden, then it could be some kind of infection or imbalance, so the quickest, easiest tests could be done first - test for UTI and blood work to rule out another infection (WBC would be up) or an imbalance. If nothing is amiss, it might take medication to calm her. I'm not a big fan of medication, but if there was something that could take the "edge" off but not leave her doped up, I would consider it.
When my mother was still living alone, there were some accusations of things being stolen. This was before it became apparent that dementia was at play. They were some of the most mundane ridiculous items (tweezers, really?) that I either ignored or dismissed. It was only in retrospect, after learning about dementia, that these made any sense. Hiding items, forgetting this was done and/or where the items were put results in accusing others of stealing.
The only odd behavior changes noted with mom was after we had some cameras installed. Her "version" of sun-downing was OCD behavior just before going to bed. This started slowly and built up to a nightly marathon of checking over and over, up to 1.5 hours, the door lock, sidelights, dishwasher and LR (no camera in that area, but the pass-through opening allowed light to shine on the kitchen cabinets. no idea what she was "checking" in there!) She would sometimes "sneak up" on the sidelights, like she expected to see zombies or something out there. Another time she stopped mid-check and stood looking up at the top of the door. Who knows what she saw there?
Her first UTI at MC resulted in some serious sun-downing. She had guests coming. She had to get out and go home. She set off every door alarm trying to get out!
So, if these were recent changes (or even not), check for UTI and have blood work done. If those rule out any issues, most likely this is dementia induced. Different kinds of dementia result in different kinds of behavioral issues. The type of dementia would drive what kind of medications might help. For mom, the mildest dose of anti-anxiety along with antibiotic was used to clear up the UTI. Once resolved, she didn't need the anti-anxiety meds anymore. Subsequent UTIs showed up as night-time bed wetting.
Worrying that her behavior might make staff treat her differently is a concern, but while visits were allowed before the virus, mom's place had residents who were all over the spectrum. Thankfully, for the most part, mom was like your dad and staff really enjoyed having her there. I would visit at random times, and observed how they would deal with residents like your mother. A few times a resident who recently moved in would confront me, with anger about who knows what! I don't know if I reminded her of someone or if she just did this to whoever!
It would be better to try to get the behavior understood and under control before considering a move. If, most likely, these are dementia induced hallucinations, she'll have the same problem no matter where she resides, even in your own home (several comments mention this - they experienced similar issues and accusations from their own parent!) Also, any moves can result in even more delusions. Try to avoid moving her, if you can.
on your ph any where. Or you can get a tiny actual surveillance camera the size of a coin. It’s always better to know for sure if anything is going on. Better safe than sorry 😞
I am in no way suggesting that you stop paying attention to your mom. You must make sure that she has what she needs and it taken care of appropriately.
You mentioned cameras in her apartment. My mom befriended a man and he was always telling his son that his things were getting stolen, so the son installed cameras and all they showed was his dad hiding his own things.
It is so hard in the beginning because this person that you have known your entire life is telling you something and your first instinct is to believe it. The sad part is realizing they are not mentally who they once were.
Many posters have talked about abuse happening to their family member. I know that it happens and if the cameras would make you feel better, I say go for it.
I am glad your dad has a way to safely move about and visit others.
Read this report by CBS News.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/over-90-percent-of-nursing-homes-hire-criminals/#:~:text=By%20CBS%20News%20investigative%20producer,report%20obtained%20by%20CBS%20News.
I am so thankful I never put my mom in one of those, but I had to sacrifice my life and well being to care for her for years and years..but I love my mom so I did not mind it. She died over a year ago and I'm still hurting badly she's gone but everybody dies and she is in a better place. Still, I'm thankful with mom's insulin-dependent diabetes, liver and kidney diseases she made it to age 90, never had any kind of psychotropics or narcotics, and died in absolute peace in her own home. Further, mom's skin was in great condition without a single sore on her. Irony I been battling Alzheimer's for 15 years it was kidney and liver disease that killed her so she could have been a walkie-talkie self caring person the same would have happened to her and that too is comforting for me. She also was only bedridden for 2-1/2 months because I struggled very hard to keep her moving, and walked her every single day for 5 years for a quarter of a mile. That helped her behavior more than anything. No psychotropic or narcotic drugs every needed! With 2 years of hospice, I just used them like a home clinic to order her insulin, lopressor, and lactulose for her bowels, and even routine labs, and they supplied me with just about everything I needed and I took care of her.
So God killed mom, and I have no control over that. Even doctors told me "you REALLY take good care of your mom"--yeah she was the only thing in this life that ever mattered to me.
My M-I-L was in an AL and had dementia. She became very suspicious of everyone around her including her son and I. When we went to visit her she would watch us intently to make sure we weren't stealing from her. She would tell staff that we were always taking her things. She would look out her windows and make up stories about things she was "seeing" in people's houses across the street. She would get up in middle of night and pack her suitcase telling staff her son was picking her up. She also had frequent UTIs which added to her confusion.
From what you say the MC is a very good one. Again definitely check into mom's claim to be certain there is no abuse taking place. For you sake as well as your parents please don't move them if you are satisfied mom's claims are not true.
If I could locate him today, what a gift. The state came in, after I and my family notified authorities. They never asked me that I know of, though we were tortured in many ways. There was no class action lawsuit. The rehab was so fake. Oh it was real rehab, but when you made progress, they stopped you and said that's too much. I was formerly a self defense instructor bench pressing 300 lbs. You want to know this. They assessed me that I needed to build up my arm strength. My arm strength. I remember the day I got up and went the whole hallway, and I said, Let's go all the way to my room now, and he said, No, that's too far. You'll never make it. I wasn't even tired. Then he said, That will take half a year. Let's just go one step at a time. They put me on exercise machines that don't measure weight, so the machine that's like bike pedals, and you rotate them for ten minutes. I was one of the biggest and strongest guys in my school. I won trophies all over Texas. All I wanted was out of there once I realized we were their money tree. And they insisted on drugs for us, even though we were fine. And what they gave me caused nightmares, so I began spitting it out after they left. They were checking us for that. Once I left, I improved much better, went on to Mountainview Jr College in Dallas and SAC in SATX, etc. I didn't have anybody holding me back like them. The state shut them down. All the captives were freed. We were captives. People that were real tiny, had been in chairs their whole life, cripples, paras and quads, kids that could only communicate by blinking.
Look. You owe it to your parents to find out the truth. Nobody deserves to be judged as insane in your situation. I caught them abusing my mother when they forced her to change clothes and they grabbed her hand and pinched it and I heard her cry out. It was 3 to 1, and then they stained me by calling me a pervert, and claimed to have a video about me ... at Buena Vida in San Antonio. They didn't produce one, they just claimed in a series of hearsay statements to the SAPD that they had one. It's never shown up. I was warned not to make trouble. I had all the facts of what they did to mom. I had the videos, the photos, the medical records. It didn't matter. They dogpiled on the rabbit and banned me. I hate them forever. I will never let it rest.
If anybody here knows anything about Buena Vida, I will do my best to make it worth your while.
I worked with her hospice nurse and PCP on medication management. They were able to get her behavior under better control and she is calmer. She is still delusional, but in a more pleasant way if that makes sense. Like she keeps asking for her husband Fred. She was never married to a Fred. And she thinks she works there. She’s able to be easily redirected now.
As far as the staff goes - this is something they should know how to manage. This type of behavior is not uncommon, and MC staff should have specialized training in managing this behavior. Worry less about whether they like her, I can assure you that your mother isn’t the only difficult resident, and worry more about getting her evaluated and treated so she can settle into her new environment and routine. The good news is that your father is getting a break and adjusting well.
Don't believe everybody because they wear a uniform or because they do nursing. Morals come from the heart, not from the education for a profession.
The amount of people my grandmother claims to be in her room ,you'd think she was running a bus depot .
That said , If you can ( this is rough but it must be done ) , next visit check her for bruising and any abrasions on her inner thigh, inner knee or inner arms . Anywhere someone might grasp to restrain a person , to see if excessive force is being used but keep in mind that the elderly can often knock themselves about and forget how . The key is any bruising in odd areas that she couldn't just knock on a table or doorway .
Ask her questions about the assault , see if her story is consistent or if she says anything that might lead you to believe there is truth in what she says .
Why is her mind bringing up rape ? She might , sadly , be reliving a distant past event so get in there and ask , don't be afraid .
My grandmother used to tell me there was a fire in her room quite often and I'd race in there , heart pumping until I remembered that she DID have a fire in her room , in the other house , ten years ago .
I still check when she says that though , because one day , there might be an actual fire ...so...
See what she repeats , see if any names come up consistently, get details . It might all be in her mind but what if it isn't?
This is a tough one , but , you can also have a doctor of your choosing give her a vaginal examination the next time she makes a serious claim of being assaulted . Sexual assault sometimes leaves evidence that cannot be denied. Sadly , people who suffer from dementia and Alzheimer's are often easy targets for predators because no one believes them .
Also , check out what MJ1929 said .
Key words from a dementia sufferers past are often essential in calming them down and making them feel less confused and safe .
You can perhaps try that first and see if the instances of her unrest are lessened as a result .
If it would put your mind at rest install a nanny cam ( camera hidden in a teddy bear ) if this is a legal option mind you , or a simple set up that everyone knows about that you can check at any time on your phone or computer . Keep it to review and go from there .
This is some dark and depressing advice, I know . My grandmother tells me all kinds of crazy things but I can dismiss them as dreams in her mind and reassure her with confidence because I'm with her ALL the time and so I KNOW fact from fiction.
You do not , so it's time to find out.
Good luck , and I hope it's not as she says .
L