My middle-aged sibling has severe mental health issues including violent outbursts and screaming fits when she doesn't get her way. A perpetual victim. She sees a counselor, but NEEDS to be treated by a doctor. The cops were called on her due to her getting violent w/another sibling. They brought her to the hospital for a psych eval., but she was released a mere few hrs. later, only to return home and raise hell. Our parents are unwell, mentally and physically, w/major health issues. When she acts out, it causes a decline in their health drastically. I fear for their safety. She has gone behind our back and fired multiple caregivers of our parents b/c they didn't listen to her insane demands. She has no job, no bills, yet expects us siblings to drop everything and become full time caregiver in the wake of her destruction. What can we do to get her out of that house permanently, and get her help? Are there places for people like her to live?

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A friend just had her father admitted to a secure unit in memory care because his dementia had progressed to the point her morher was afraid gorher safety. Friend called the police who took him to the hospital where he was admitted to a secure unit for evaluation. She refused to take him home, telling the drs he was a danger to himsekf and her mom. They finally helped her find a placement for him in another city where drs have been working to get him stabilized om meds. His dementia has been documented and he will never be discharged because it will just get worse. End result, Mom is safe, dad is safe.
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Reply to Frances73

Frankie25: Report the sibling to APS as your parents are too frail and unwell to enable this adult child to reside there any longer. This could end badly.
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Reply to Llamalover47

What your parents need to do is the next time she is hospitalized, refuse to allow her to return. They can say they are afraid of her and their health is such they no longer can deal with her mental illness. If your called you say you refuse to pick her up because she is a danger to ur parents.
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Reply to JoAnn29

You say your parents are unwell physically and mentally.
BUT your parents are allowing this unstable person to live in their home.
You honestly cannot do anything to prevent that if your parents insist and if they are not judged incompetent under the law with an appointed conservator or guardian.

I would call APS were I you and report that you believe this to be an unsafe situation for your parents. That is honestly about all you can do.
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Reply to AlvaDeer


I was an in-home caregiver for a very long time and have had my fair share and then some of run-ins with the weird adult child who still lives at home, doesn't work, and who thinks that they are the boss of mom and dad's paid help.

Please inform your parents caregivers that they may tell your sister exactly what I always told those weird adult kids still at home when they used to get bossy with me.

"Go pound sand. I don't work for you".

This usually does it. She has no right to make demands on your parents' caregivers or to give them orders. Instruct these caregivers to ignore her. If she gets too abusive with them or with your parents while they are in the home, tell them to call 911 for the police.

I never tolerated the adult-kid-at-home's mess for one minute. Not one minute in 25 years of service.

So that's how you handle that.

As for getting her evicted from your parents' home. That is her legal residence. You can't throw her out. The only people who can legally force her out are your parents. If they will not stand up for themselves by legally evicting her, there's nothing anyone can do.

Unless they are mentally incompetent and a POA goes into effect. Then the POA can start the eviction process.

I think your best bet would be to try and get your sister on some kind of disability and into low-income housing. This would probably be a lot easier than trying to get your parents to act.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 10, 2024
Exactly, Burnt!

All of these people who think that they can’t control a person’s outburst are wrong.

No one has the right to fire a caregiver because they want to be in charge!

My husband’s grandfather on his dad’s side would try to fire his housekeeper and caregivers on a daily basis. Eventually, he stopped trying to fire them and even started to appreciate their efforts.

My in laws trusted the caregivers when they said that they knew how to handle his behavior. They were so appreciative for their private caregivers help and their patience that they paid them a lot more than the going rate.

I often heard my in-laws say that their caregivers were worth every penny and that they earned their paychecks. I really feel that half of the battle is finding the right people to work in these challenging situations.

Caregivers are not a dime a dozen. When someone finds caregivers who do an excellent job, they are worth their weight in gold!
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The usual problem is that the parents are protecting/enabling/handicapping their troubled child. They have allowed her to continue to live at home with no (known) restrictions. It is not just the parents home, it is the siblings legal home as well. If she has never been assessed for her mental issues that keep her from being gainfully employed, then she perhaps has no income. No SSDI of her own. Since she is seeing a therapist, perhaps she does have Medicaid and has secured whatever benefits provided in your state, county, community? Her rights will be protected if you try to go around them.
Housing is something she would have to sign up for and be on a waiting list for. Then there is the question of whether or not she is capable of managing a home on her own. Again these are things you need to do a deep dive on to see what is available and under what circumstances.
If she has ever taken meds then you may know if they seemed to work for her. She sounds like she is not on any at this point. Many won’t take the meds and when they do, not for long. I hate to say this but this is not an unusual situation. Someone in your community knows what help is available and where the roadblocks are.

You mention your parents having mental health issues. Are they still competent to make legal decisions? If they are then They should give their POA to one or more of their adult children who is willing to do the work. If that time has passed then you will need to file for guardianship.

Please research any attorney you go to, making sure they have the necessary experience you require. You need a certified elder law attorney to protect your parents rights and hopefully has some experience with mentally ill adult children of the elderly. The POA needs to be written to where you can take immediate action for your parents and not have to wait until they are deemed incompetent.
I understand you are afraid of your sister. You are wise to be prepared on what you can actually do.
Even If she were a model cohabitant, someone still has to evict her before forcing her to leave. Best to do it legally. That takes awhile and the parents have to live through that and stand up to her anger etc. Hard for them to do. You may have to consider placing the parents in a facility, evicting the sibling and then selling the home.
You need to check with your local law enforcement to see what type documents they respond to and where they take the mentally challenged individual. sometimes there is a county judge or experienced secretary who can give good advice on next steps. There is almost always a judge who signs the orders and in some counties they go to the sheriff’s department. Perhaps not in all. A few phone calls should help get you started.
You and your siblings need to unite around this situation and know that it won’t resolve on its own. Remember that none of you are getting any younger and it won’t be easier in the future.
When she gets picked up gain, your plan should be in place so she doesn’t come back home in a few hours. As hard as it may be, you and siblings should visit often to make sure the parents are okay.
Make sure there are no guns in the home.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
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Reply to 97yroldmom

Get legal protection for your parents first. Elder Law attorneys can help with this. If your parents have a trust, attorney will need to see this.

Deal with your sibling after your parents are safe and secure in their own home. Adult Protective Services can often intervene on behalf of your parents to get an abusive adult sibling out of the house.
Without legal help you will have no authority to insist or require anything of your sibling, so the drama will continue.

Good for you for stepping up. Hang in there. Sometimes good change can only happen through controlled crisis. There are professionals who can help, let them help you.
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Reply to Survived

I'm not sure there's a "solution" for your sibling, but there's a solution for your parents: they evict her and get a restraining order. Yes to videoing her behavior and abuse so that you can play it back to cops or your parents if they look like they want to change their minds.

Another strategy is for your parents to assign a durable PoA (if they don't already have one). Then *this* is the person evicting your sibling and getting a restraining order.

If you record the abuse, even if your parents are reluctant to call 911, then you can at least show it to APS and report your parents as vulnerable seniors.

How old is this sibling? Has she ever had a job (how much SS will she/does she have to live on)?

Even if you could get her out, she would need to comply with treatment and meds in order to function in society. Therefore, she'd have to cooperate and live in a group home or Section 8 housing. She has to want to do it.

In my state (MN) it's extremely difficult to commit an adult to an institution. But maybe you can do some research to find out if it's possible in your parents' state, then sit the sibling down and layout what is coming in her future if she doesn't start getting help. Hopefully she doesn't convince your parents to make her their PoA. I would have your parents also create a pre-need guardianship document and name you or another trusted family member for this responsibility.
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Reply to Geaton777

Thank you for your reply. It is certainly infuriating and has affected my health. My parents should have helped...pushed her out the nest years ago, but now they are frail and need us to step in. I would love to record her behavior, but she would find out and I would be in harms way. I have no access to her dr. My parents have always let her behavior slide. This was the first time police were called on her, but this behavior has been going on for decades. My parents are not in a state of mind any more to pick up a phone and call the police. They have resigned to us doing everything for them. Yes - the caregivers were txting me constantly threatening to quit due to her actions. I want to get her help and out of that house in an amicable way, but she is so unreasonable.
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Reply to Frankie25
purrna2go Jan 10, 2024
Random thoughts: Diet and exercise can dramatically affect behavior. Maybe nobody is truly listening. What about visiting clergy to inject some uplifting vibes into the situation. Music. A creative outlet for her. A small pet? (goldfish or another EZ care critter). You must improve your relationship with her if at all possible. Maybe she doesn't really want to be there, but has no other options now. A counselor alone isn't adequate. Nutrition is huge. For instance, while I don't have gluten allergies, for those who do, it can affect mood. Can you afford gifts of a massage, or spa, gym for her and/or parents, just to change things up? I don't have enough details about her habits to be helpful, sorry.
Other than report your sibling to APS, I really don’t know what else that you can do.

Your parents are allowing her to live with them in their home. I am sure that this infuriates you because she is causing so much grief for everyone, especially your parents.

Have you thought about video recording her behavior and showing it to her doctor or the police?

Have your parents ever called 911 when she attacks others or are they concerned about what will happen to her if they do?

The caregivers would probably have quit even if she hadn’t fired them due to her behavior.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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