My mother and I are very poor and not well off, luckily we have my grandmother who financially cares for us n my two small children although she hates it, until we get on our feet. My grandmother used to be my hero, she raised me. For past 3 years she has become uncontrollably hateful, cruel hearted and rude. And it gets worse every day. She randomly tears me n my mother down on a daily basis to the point we cry then she laughs. Within next couple days she claims it never happened. She makes up stories about me n my mother's events .. when we tell her what actually happened we get called filthy liars, were terrible horrible people. Whenever she misplaced something she claims my mother has stolen it to spite her.
When she's driving, if a car passes her on highway she gets Pissed n cusses and honestly believes they had passed her to spite her!
She trys very hard to pick fights. If we ignore her attempts we get told how stupid pathetic and terrible we are.
She often cusses us randomly calls us druggies , stupid and bad nasty people in front of my 3 year old son. Then tells me I'm a bad mother because he gets nervous around her it's apparently something Iv done.
She believes everyone is out to get her, Everyone, especially my mother and me, are scamming her and lies to her daily. but then randomly sometimes she turns into a sweetheart like nothing happened then ten minutes later is back to her hateful self.
Plus many other events.
SOMEONE HELP! 3 years ago, this woman would go out of her way to take us shopping make sure we smile at least once a day n happily help us do anything. Now I honestly despise me n my kids being with her.
Iv calmly and nicely as possible tried few times to sit her down n explain how she has changed n how we believe maybe she should see a doctor for her own health about Alzheimer's or dementia. Every time I get cussed filthy told how stupid I am. And how I'm just trying to scam her to get something from her nothing wrong with her it's everyone else just trying to make her believe she has an issue so everyone can use her. But she apparently won't let us fool her so she says.
HELP ME PLEASE! CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
2) She may be depressed due to carrying the burden of so many for so long
3) She, like me, may have just reached the point of being DONE...downright angry and resentful of the responsibilities that have fallen on her. Due to her age, she may not have the ability or desire to hold those feelings in anymore..she may feel like now should be her time to be able to relax and enjoy life without having so many depending on her. I am still able to curb my anger when I deal with my mom's ongoing issues and tell her how I feel, but in a rational, civil way. But there are times I'd like to scream at her because I am just so TIRED of the constant demands from her and would like to be able to concentrate on my family and ME without the inevitable interruption of whatever her issue of the day is.
Just food for thought.....but always worth a doctor's evaluation.
I also believe the OP has left the building, so to speak.
It sounds as if your grandmother is going through some changes that are age related, and personal to her. Getting a job and moving away might be the easiest sounding solution, but it seems like you would still be deeply concerned for her well being and would remain involved in her life, as well as your mom's. You asked for help in understanding what she's going through, not a lecture on your choice to not take on a full time job at this time.
I've been struggling to understand and help my father cope with undiagnosed dementia for about ten years. He didn't start out a nice man, and has always been bitter and controlling. Sometimes dementia makes a nice person mean, or a mean person nice. In his case, it just made him grumpier and less able to keep track of all the crazy stories he's always made his reality. He lashed out more and more at his family and everyone else around him as he's felt his control over his own mind slip. Lying, complaining, and cursing at traffic was normal for him, but definitely got worse with age.
Many older folks get very grumpy as things that were once familiar become strange, and routine tasks become difficult to figure out. Your grandmother may be starting to see her world in a new and frightening way, and people going through this often lash out at those closest to them. Try not to take it personally. That's the best advice I've gotten from others who have gone through it.
My dad has always refused to believe that there is anything wrong with his mental state or abilities, so a proper diagnosis has been impossible. He passes the short, standard dementia tests doctors give him with flying colors, even now that he can't figure out which side of a spoon to use to pick up soup.
The other day, a new doctor gave him a 20 question dementia test during which he held up a pen and asked Dad what it was. Dad answered that it was a ballpoint, and the doctor smirked smugly at me and said he had no dementia. A few minutes later, after the doctor had left, Dad rolled over to me with two ballpoint pens in his hand. He asked me what they were, and told me they were some kind of tools that a guy at work had ordered too many of, so he'd given these to Dad. Dad has been retired for 15 years and his work is 2000 miles away, yet he insists that he goes there daily. When I explained that they were pens, he looked at them again and shook his head, insisting they were tools. So much for tests, and doctors who don't know the patient and see their daily behavior like family does.
Personally, I would not expect a proper diagnosis for your grandmother any time soon. If she decides she wants to seek professional help, that would be best, but it sounds like she isn't ready. Brain scans (EEG, MRI) can help pinpoint Alzheimer's, but aren't as good at diagnosing more subtle types of dementia. If there is a physical cause, such as vascular problems, early detection would be very helpful, but most kinds of dementia don't have a clear treatment at this time. Unfortunately, any treatment or coping strategy depends on your grandmother's willingness to admit what's going on first. Maybe in time, when it effects her more acutely, she will come around to that, but I would encourage you to look at what you know and draw your own working conclusions for now. Maybe more information will come to light later.
There are dementia tests online that are meant for caregivers and family to take regarding their loved ones, rather than for the person in question. You might try going over some of those with your mom and see if you can come to a consensus on what you're both seeing in terms of behavioral changes in your grandmother. Knowing that you're not the crazy one, and these things really are happening, may be of some comfort. Also, it may help you create a baseline for her behavior now so you have something to compare in the coming years. There may come a time when you and your mom need to help her understand that she isn't safe to drive anymore, etc, and laying out the patterns over the years may be helpful. I'd suggest writing some of it down as you go, maybe in a journal, if you can keep that safe from her curiosity. Remember that you're doing this because you love her and want to help, not because you're trying to point out her faults or put her on the defensive.
Try to create boundaries for yourself, which is easier said than done when you love someone and have seen better times with them, I know. Take some time for yourself every day, even if it's just a for a walk. Try to see the humor in it if you can. My dad would make a great sit com character, and if I can distance myself from his antics at little bit, they seem really funny. Sometimes, he laughs with me despite himself.
Good luck! Remember that it's nothing personal. If you were not living with your grandmother, she'd be ranting at the cashier at the grocery store anyway.
You do need to try and see her viewpoint (not easy but try) She probably had a very different vision of her retirement and now she is living in this unwanted work she is actually quite angry about it and is looking to pass on the blame. She is also probably quite cross that she is no longer as fit as she once was and she probably hates being dependant on anyone for anything, she sounds like she was a strong woman....which probably means she isn't handling frailty that well either.
If she does have dementia ad I do so hope she hasn't but if she does you will need to get some serious advice. people are right when they say you need to keep your children away from toxicity - it isn't good for their development to hear you being denigrated.
You may need to consider doing some job sharing with a mother Mum so you could share the childcare arrangement which would at least give you an income and start you on the right path.
I know you wont leave you GM and that is an admirable trait but you need to know so much more before you make that sort of commitment - it could go on for years, it is harder than any job you will have ever had physically and emotionally. Take advice, read widely but first get yourself straight and up an running - for only then can you be totally impartial.
Chef, you live in an apartment with two small children.
Your GM helps you out financially.
Your Mom has some kind of difficulties (currently? Past problems?)
Your GM has taken care of your Mom for years?
GM needs help but is in denial and you are very worried.
To what extent are you dependent on GMs financial help?
If you would fill in the blanks people would be glad to offer advice. Personally, I don't see any magic or easy answers. There is more going on here than can be resolved with a quick fix. Getting GM to a doc may be next to impossible until she has to be sent to the ER or you have some bad ass friends who can physically subdue her and haul her off and that's probably a really bad idea.
I suggest you hang around the forum, give some more details to questions people are asking and don't be so touchy with folks. I'm not seeing any insults or slights to you thus far. Take it one step at a time. Piece together a solution. Don't like someone's responce? Then ignore it. Someone has an interesting thought or suggestion, talk to them.
Why she is doing this and whether she can be helped is a much more complicated issue, not easily addressed by people not involved in the situation (or even ones who are). She may or may not have a medical problem, but only she can address that as long as she's competent to make her own decisions.
I think everyone is working from the premise that none of us can control other people, but we can all hopefully control our own lives in order to limit the damage done to us by others whom we can't control. Please try to see the comments here in that light.
Angel
Of more concern, you also wrote "I refuse to leave her no matter how much mental torments Shea put me n my son through." You may have to rethink this one, because leaving a child exposed to a really toxic emotionally abusive situation could be seen as a failure to protect in the eyes of CHILD protective services. Your first loyalty has to be to your children, and to yourself.
The solutions to your situation may not be easy ones - they may be drastic. You may be able to get needed help and advice from an elder law practice, an estate planner, DHS, Area Agency on Aging, a senior hotline, or a geriatric center that does comprehensive evaluations and has social work available too. If GM refuses medical evaluation, and no one can get medical or financial POA, moving out and reporting her as an adult unable to care for herself may be something you have to do. I am not clear on what your mother can or cannot do for herself and that has to factor in as well. Whatever develops, it is clear that you have to face unwelcome changes head on, and likely a future of being the one in charge of the situation. You need to get as much clarity as you can on the actual financial situation and the options for support in your community. For some of us, the financial end was more or less a search through the home for all the important papers and numbers while our parent was not there...in your case it sounds like GM rules the roost and that would be more difficult. If there are other family members who could collaborate, they need to know what is going on. It is probably up to you to send out that S.O.S. under the circumstances. It is overwhelming at first, because systems are complex and limited in scope, and because the emotions and grief of losing the support and the relationship you have had for all these years are devastating as well.
You came to a good place for support and practical help. If you are having trouble locating your community agencies, we can give you hints on what to Google for too or even look up a few things. Private messages are an option if you are not comfortable sharing more details or your location.
Getting help for your grandmother when she doesn't recognise the need. Tricky. But if you know who her GP is, and you have a contact number, ring and ask for advice. Ideally they will know her as a person as well as as a patient and will recognise a tell-tale personality change if they see it. That's where I'd start, anyway. And this *is* an appropriate and caring thing to do, irrespective of any other changes you might think about trying to make.
How is your mother placed? Does she need care, does she work too, what's the story there?