My mother and I are very poor and not well off, luckily we have my grandmother who financially cares for us n my two small children although she hates it, until we get on our feet. My grandmother used to be my hero, she raised me. For past 3 years she has become uncontrollably hateful, cruel hearted and rude. And it gets worse every day. She randomly tears me n my mother down on a daily basis to the point we cry then she laughs. Within next couple days she claims it never happened. She makes up stories about me n my mother's events .. when we tell her what actually happened we get called filthy liars, were terrible horrible people. Whenever she misplaced something she claims my mother has stolen it to spite her.
When she's driving, if a car passes her on highway she gets Pissed n cusses and honestly believes they had passed her to spite her!
She trys very hard to pick fights. If we ignore her attempts we get told how stupid pathetic and terrible we are.
She often cusses us randomly calls us druggies , stupid and bad nasty people in front of my 3 year old son. Then tells me I'm a bad mother because he gets nervous around her it's apparently something Iv done.
She believes everyone is out to get her, Everyone, especially my mother and me, are scamming her and lies to her daily. but then randomly sometimes she turns into a sweetheart like nothing happened then ten minutes later is back to her hateful self.
Plus many other events.
SOMEONE HELP! 3 years ago, this woman would go out of her way to take us shopping make sure we smile at least once a day n happily help us do anything. Now I honestly despise me n my kids being with her.
Iv calmly and nicely as possible tried few times to sit her down n explain how she has changed n how we believe maybe she should see a doctor for her own health about Alzheimer's or dementia. Every time I get cussed filthy told how stupid I am. And how I'm just trying to scam her to get something from her nothing wrong with her it's everyone else just trying to make her believe she has an issue so everyone can use her. But she apparently won't let us fool her so she says.
HELP ME PLEASE! CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
However, you and your mother also need to address your situation, get job training and work toward finding jobs. Even with dementia, she may also be rational enough to be tired of supporting you.
Overall - and I'd love to be wrong so please do come back to us if we're being unfair - it sounds as if by supporting her adult descendants your grandmother has inadvertently also prevented you from developing healthily independent lives. And, yes, maybe she's thought better of it, maybe she has regrets.
How would you like to see things going forward for yourself and your family?
Who is her power of attorney? You might bring it to their attention. Maybe they can discuss it with her doctor. Are there any other family members who do not rely on her for their support? If so, then I might talk to them about it. How does grandmother treat them?
I wish you all the best.
She should be enjoying her old age, not having to support an indigent daughter and grandchildren.
She's cared for you and apparently your mother and children for sometime. Instead of focusing on how it's affecting you, think how it's affecting her, and what you can do to become self supporting to spare her from further anguish and mental and physical deterioration.
If you can't handle it on your own, call Adult Protective Services and ask for intervention. They might able to help with getting the necessary medical treatment.
Here's what I would recommend: Your grandmother needs a complete medical work up. Tell her PCP about her drastic change in behavior and let him/her take it from there. The doctor will know what tests to run and once you have an actual diagnosis, ask the doctor what your options are. Then you can make a decision. I would recommend getting her to the doctor as soon as possible, this week if you can.
Chef, others here have posted on the difficulty of getting unwilling parents or relatives for medical help. It's not unique.
Also research your area, call your county's social work department, your state's elder agency and ask what organizations or agencies can help you get medical treatment for your GM.
Research your area and find out if there are doctors who make home visits. In my area of SE Michigan, there are a few companies with doctors who specialize in home visits.
I don't have time now to find these other posts but you can use the search box in the upper right hand corner to search for similar posts...something to effect of how to get someone to see a doctor, how to get treatment when the person doesn't want to, or as I said, involve APS.
In addition, perhaps the friction in the family is causing GM to be hostile to the idea of getting treatment. Does she have close friends, a religious counselor, someone who could convince her to go to a doctor?
Good luck with your search. I know it isn't easy when someone doesn't want to get medical treatment.
Angel
Hopefully, sister will be able to guide your grandmother to medical care and if not, step in and take measures to act on her behalf to protect her.
Do you know if grandmother has a Power of Attorney?
If grandmother does have dementia, there are some behaviors that may be unavoidable. Medications can sometimes treat the behaviors, but not always. Sometimes, we the family have to deal with the bizarre behavior. It's tough, but there may not be a simple fix. Sometimes these things go on for years. I would read as much as possible about dementia, so you will know what to expect, if that is what she has.
Getting help for your grandmother when she doesn't recognise the need. Tricky. But if you know who her GP is, and you have a contact number, ring and ask for advice. Ideally they will know her as a person as well as as a patient and will recognise a tell-tale personality change if they see it. That's where I'd start, anyway. And this *is* an appropriate and caring thing to do, irrespective of any other changes you might think about trying to make.
How is your mother placed? Does she need care, does she work too, what's the story there?
Of more concern, you also wrote "I refuse to leave her no matter how much mental torments Shea put me n my son through." You may have to rethink this one, because leaving a child exposed to a really toxic emotionally abusive situation could be seen as a failure to protect in the eyes of CHILD protective services. Your first loyalty has to be to your children, and to yourself.
The solutions to your situation may not be easy ones - they may be drastic. You may be able to get needed help and advice from an elder law practice, an estate planner, DHS, Area Agency on Aging, a senior hotline, or a geriatric center that does comprehensive evaluations and has social work available too. If GM refuses medical evaluation, and no one can get medical or financial POA, moving out and reporting her as an adult unable to care for herself may be something you have to do. I am not clear on what your mother can or cannot do for herself and that has to factor in as well. Whatever develops, it is clear that you have to face unwelcome changes head on, and likely a future of being the one in charge of the situation. You need to get as much clarity as you can on the actual financial situation and the options for support in your community. For some of us, the financial end was more or less a search through the home for all the important papers and numbers while our parent was not there...in your case it sounds like GM rules the roost and that would be more difficult. If there are other family members who could collaborate, they need to know what is going on. It is probably up to you to send out that S.O.S. under the circumstances. It is overwhelming at first, because systems are complex and limited in scope, and because the emotions and grief of losing the support and the relationship you have had for all these years are devastating as well.
You came to a good place for support and practical help. If you are having trouble locating your community agencies, we can give you hints on what to Google for too or even look up a few things. Private messages are an option if you are not comfortable sharing more details or your location.
Angel
Why she is doing this and whether she can be helped is a much more complicated issue, not easily addressed by people not involved in the situation (or even ones who are). She may or may not have a medical problem, but only she can address that as long as she's competent to make her own decisions.
I think everyone is working from the premise that none of us can control other people, but we can all hopefully control our own lives in order to limit the damage done to us by others whom we can't control. Please try to see the comments here in that light.