What to do about my grandmother before it destroys us all?

Your grandmother's changeable behavior suggests dementia, or something causing her to change.

However, you and your mother also need to address your situation, get job training and work toward finding jobs. Even with dementia, she may also be rational enough to be tired of supporting you.

So I've read through this thread and trying to figure out the situation.

Chef, you live in an apartment with two small children.

Your GM helps you out financially.

Your Mom has some kind of difficulties (currently? Past problems?)

Your GM has taken care of your Mom for years?

GM needs help but is in denial and you are very worried.

To what extent are you dependent on GMs financial help?


If you would fill in the blanks people would be glad to offer advice. Personally, I don't see any magic or easy answers. There is more going on here than can be resolved with a quick fix. Getting GM to a doc may be next to impossible until she has to be sent to the ER or you have some bad ass friends who can physically subdue her and haul her off and that's probably a really bad idea.

I suggest you hang around the forum, give some more details to questions people are asking and don't be so touchy with folks. I'm not seeing any insults or slights to you thus far. Take it one step at a time. Piece together a solution. Don't like someone's responce? Then ignore it. Someone has an interesting thought or suggestion, talk to them.

I'm probably gonna say some things that will make you mad but here goes - You want to help your grandmother right? While I don't know her I'd be willing to bet her vision of old age did not include supporting or helping to this degree her adult daughter, adult granddaughter and her great grandchildren. This level of pressure could cause anyone to become hostile - consciously or subconsciously. Throw in possible dementia and more than likely physical pain that comes with age and you've got a time-bomb. When you mentioned help with buying diapers you hit a hot button of mine and I realize I probably have a bias here. My stepdaughter uses that one when she wants money from her dad. Putting the grandkids needs on us is a form of emotional blackmail in my opinion. Of course you want to be home for your children but unfortunately where you are in your life doesn't allow for this and it's not your grandmothers responsibility to make it so. Do what thousand and thousands of single moms have to do - put your kids in daycare and get a job - even if it is below your skill level. Get on your own two feet and take some pressure off grandma. It might help her, it might not but it would get you and your children out of her hostile environment.

There's another aspect to this - the burden of caring for your mother, you and 2 children might be causing your grandmother to either act hostilely toward you, or it might be a major contributing factor to any dementia she may have developed. Stress can do strange things to people, and the situation you and your mother have created is certainly what I would consider stressful.

She should be enjoying her old age, not having to support an indigent daughter and grandchildren.

She's cared for you and apparently your mother and children for sometime. Instead of focusing on how it's affecting you, think how it's affecting her, and what you can do to become self supporting to spare her from further anguish and mental and physical deterioration.

Chef, nobody responding to your question is a lowlife, and your situation won't be improved by insulting people who try to help you. What some people are trying to tell you is that your first and best defense is to become self-sufficient so you don't need to expose yourself or your children to your grandma's abusive behavior.

Why she is doing this and whether she can be helped is a much more complicated issue, not easily addressed by people not involved in the situation (or even ones who are). She may or may not have a medical problem, but only she can address that as long as she's competent to make her own decisions.

I think everyone is working from the premise that none of us can control other people, but we can all hopefully control our own lives in order to limit the damage done to us by others whom we can't control. Please try to see the comments here in that light.

HoplessChef, you wrote that this is all new to you, and yes, it was all new to most of us at one point. Your grandmothers nastiness and personality change seem like something out of the blue and have you wondering if she is justified or if you did something wrong to cause it, and the short answer is NO to both. These kinds of horrible changes most often stem from early dementia, depression, or both, and the critical thing for you, both emotionally and practically, is to understand that she has become unreasonable and cruel because either she is getting very ill and irritable, or losing her abilities to reason....AND her ability to see things from others' perspectives, aka empathy.

Of more concern, you also wrote "I refuse to leave her no matter how much mental torments Shea put me n my son through." You may have to rethink this one, because leaving a child exposed to a really toxic emotionally abusive situation could be seen as a failure to protect in the eyes of CHILD protective services. Your first loyalty has to be to your children, and to yourself.

The solutions to your situation may not be easy ones - they may be drastic. You may be able to get needed help and advice from an elder law practice, an estate planner, DHS, Area Agency on Aging, a senior hotline, or a geriatric center that does comprehensive evaluations and has social work available too. If GM refuses medical evaluation, and no one can get medical or financial POA, moving out and reporting her as an adult unable to care for herself may be something you have to do. I am not clear on what your mother can or cannot do for herself and that has to factor in as well. Whatever develops, it is clear that you have to face unwelcome changes head on, and likely a future of being the one in charge of the situation. You need to get as much clarity as you can on the actual financial situation and the options for support in your community. For some of us, the financial end was more or less a search through the home for all the important papers and numbers while our parent was not there...in your case it sounds like GM rules the roost and that would be more difficult. If there are other family members who could collaborate, they need to know what is going on. It is probably up to you to send out that S.O.S. under the circumstances. It is overwhelming at first, because systems are complex and limited in scope, and because the emotions and grief of losing the support and the relationship you have had for all these years are devastating as well.

You came to a good place for support and practical help. If you are having trouble locating your community agencies, we can give you hints on what to Google for too or even look up a few things. Private messages are an option if you are not comfortable sharing more details or your location.

GardenArtist has phrased it perfectly. HC, this isn't to be harsh; but if your grandmother raised you, where was your mother? And if you are flat broke, what is a small child doing in the picture?

Overall - and I'd love to be wrong so please do come back to us if we're being unfair - it sounds as if by supporting her adult descendants your grandmother has inadvertently also prevented you from developing healthily independent lives. And, yes, maybe she's thought better of it, maybe she has regrets.

How would you like to see things going forward for yourself and your family?

Her behavior could be dementia, but it could be that she resents taking care of you and your mother for years. It's understandable. I would try to make sure she is safe, while making arrangements for your own support. I might get employed, support myself and then see if grandmother's behavior changes. I would be more concerned with what is causing this change and how I might help her, rather than what she can do for me.

Who is her power of attorney? You might bring it to their attention. Maybe they can discuss it with her doctor. Are there any other family members who do not rely on her for their support? If so, then I might talk to them about it. How does grandmother treat them?

I wish you all the best.

Christine, I didn't see any inquiries about the OP's reproductive choices. What I did see was concern that she's not making plans to care for these children outside of her GM's home, i.e., on her own, as she should be.

Chef, others here have posted on the difficulty of getting unwilling parents or relatives for medical help. It's not unique.

Also research your area, call your county's social work department, your state's elder agency and ask what organizations or agencies can help you get medical treatment for your GM.

Research your area and find out if there are doctors who make home visits. In my area of SE Michigan, there are a few companies with doctors who specialize in home visits.

I don't have time now to find these other posts but you can use the search box in the upper right hand corner to search for similar posts...something to effect of how to get someone to see a doctor, how to get treatment when the person doesn't want to, or as I said, involve APS.

In addition, perhaps the friction in the family is causing GM to be hostile to the idea of getting treatment. Does she have close friends, a religious counselor, someone who could convince her to go to a doctor?

Good luck with your search. I know it isn't easy when someone doesn't want to get medical treatment.

Ok, your main concern is for your children....mine was too! And that is why I went to work, everyday, so that I could support them. I didn't have the 'option' of staying home with them (even though that WAS what I wanted to do) and having someone else put a roof over our heads, feed us, and allow me to stay home. If you are a professional chef, I know the hours are long and hard, but it usually pays quite well. These are your decisions, you decided to have children now you need to decide to take care of them. Some of us just don't have the choice to stay home. Daycare can be expensive but not as expensive as being in a bad situation, perhaps you qualify for state-aid to help with daycare expenses until you get your career up and rolling again. Your grandmother sounds as if she may have a form of dementia, or maybe is just frustrated as hell that she now needs to support another generation without being able to find rest and peace in retirement. I may sound harsh, but it's the truth. If you are as skilled as you say you are you shouldn't have too much trouble moving on. I think Grandma deserves to not have to support her daughter, her granddaughter and 2 great-grandchildren. How do you deal with her rages? Well that depends on the cause of them....if it is a form of dementia there is little that you can do about it, if its cause is frustration y