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Hospice brought in a lift chair for mom. I suggested throwing out that sofa because another sofa and love seat remains. I also said I’d find dad a lift chair/recliner (his and her) because with other sofa gone, we would have plenty of room. Needles to say, that didn’t happen. Instead the sofa blocks one of the entrances to enter and exit the home.


Not only that, mom's chair sits darn near in the room opening followed by her rolling table. The rest of the living room has stuff everywhere. So any time you need to enter the home you have to take the other door and any time you need access to the living room, you have to ask them to move things. Dad, who is temporarily in a wheel chair and at times on his walker, is also having to ask for things to be moved each time he wishes to enter the room.


I don't know what happens when mom and dad are alone. Please advise on how to handle.


Hospice and physical therapist will not say a word. Pleas from a few other family members have been ignored.

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No, pictures don’t go any further than their files.

The APS worker just reconfirmed what the aide and the aide’s agency said about not having a responsibility to report or call for help if the live-in-sibling does not want to call for help for things such as falls, ailing health issues, or bullying. APS can’t make the agency better the timing of their aides/split shifts. If live-in-sibling want to take the keys away or other personal protection type possessions, APS can have a conversation but not force live-in-sibling to give anything back.

Over the years, APS has been called and visits made. One told me to walk away and let them meet their fate because during that time parents were coming to the rescue of the live-in-sibling (upholding wrong). The second one said she didn’t want to file a report but would not say why. The first two visits, I happen to be there. This third time I will not be there but was told I was not to contact them back and they can’t contact me back.

This live-in-sibling is like poking the bear for one and for two they all feel sorry for her because ahh (a pretty picture can be spent). Live-in-sibling room, you can only open door and crawl in bed. You can’t see the floor. The other room is locked and maxed out just a walkway like path. The elder’s room I fought to organize is becoming back messy. They also have critters that I fought to keep down. But it's a losing battle because live-in-sibling keeps everything. Sometimes I felt they were being feed to keep me working lol.

Now the elder has discovered that farm livestock is missing. It was noticed on first visit since hospital and now confirmed yesterday.

Besides my spouse and teen kids who we try to keep out, we don’t have help. And now spouse is ready to let go now that things are coming down to physical threats against our entire family including the teens.

I feel for my elder parents because I’m trying to come up with a happy medium where all the other siblings are like what they say goes. They want the elder’s money that’s in my possession to make sure bills get paid. Still considering the POA part for even medical but ? ? ?.

No way can I move in due to condition of home and live-in-sibling and I have a family of my own. Our home does not have enough room literally. They have four rooms and three people.

I pray that as well but it’s getting worse. Dad said he got pinned against the wall last week by one of the sons because he refused to stay inside and wanted to go outside. I called law enforcement for a visit and they said another sibling had already called and that they were not getting involved and to go to court.

So I can’t even call on them for a wellness check.
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Ahmijoy Apr 6, 2020
It is beyond my understanding and experience to imagine that the police would refuse to come to their home for a wellness check. I am under the impression that whenever they are called, even dozens of times a day, the police MUST come out. They are civil servants and are employed by taxpayers. There are reports filed with APS and repeated calls indicating there is elder abuse. I absolutely cannot believe that all these agencies are washing their hands of the situation and refusing to help.
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Answry, there are so very many issues at hand here, I’m not certain there is a solution. You’ve written about probable physical abuse of your parents, citing that you’ve seen bumps and bruises. Your live-in sib is in denial that any abuse is happening and becomes verbally combative when you question it. Pictures of the injuries have apparently been taken by agencies who come into their home. Did that go anywhere? You’ve even been told today by APS that they can’t/won’t do anything except “have a conversation “. With whom? Is there a file on them? I don’t remember. Have you reported this treatment and your concerns previously and has the situation been investigated? Did APS come out and determine that there was no abuse? Is there at least a caseworker involved? Assigning a caseworker is usually the first thing APS does.

Then there’s the condition of their home. I believe you said they are Hoarders. I asked why the carers that come to the house haven’t reported unsafe living conditions. Perhaps the house is just messy? If the bruises and bumps you mentioned are due to falls because of the clutter/hoard, then that’s all the more reason for the outside caregivers to report the conditions.

I know you have other concerns in posts I can’t recall. I feel like you are on a one-woman crusade. You have no army behind you. Not other family, not a life partner if you have one, not the authorities and not government agencies who are charged with keeping watch over the elderly. It seems like you are in this alone. No one helps you and things just continue to escalate. You take on more and more responsibilities and become more and more frustrated. Now, today, you are endlessly on the telephone trying to moderate arguments that have no solution. I wouldn’t even hazard a guess as to what your blood pressure must be.

I admire you because I would have given up long ago, no matter what. There’s no question you are a doer and not a watcher. You are a problem solver. But in this case, you’re trying to hold back an avalanche with a plastic fork. Although you love and want to protect your parents, your approach is not working. I would step back for a while. Stop answering the phone. To do what you think you need to do and “protect” your parents 24/7, you’d have to move in with them or move them in with you. You can’t do it from 45 minutes away with no help. I truly and honestly wish you much luck and a satisfactory solution to all these issues. I pray that your parents stay safe and ok.
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I am not doing well at all today. I was thinking this would get better, but oh no. My phone is ringing off the hook with a very unhappy parent and a live-in-sibling that is calling all over the place getting everyone under the sound of their voice upset and involved. I finally put in a call to APS but this is not what I wished to do and wanted to avoid at all cost. They already said, they will not contact me back and can’t enforce anything can only have a conversation.
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Any grandchildren your parents are especially fond of?

Any grandchildren, for example, who have just moved in to their starter home and urgently need a good sturdy sofa?
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answry Mar 28, 2020
Good idea country mouse. Unfortunately, it would require convincing sibling the idea came from within (oh wise one). Otherwise, it'll require force.
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answry, if your Dad is still sharp he could assign you as his durable PoA. But it may be too late for your mom. If she can't comprehend what the PoA paperwork does for her, she can't sign. Even if she can *sort of* understand your never-left-home sibling can contest her PoA since he knows what her mental capacity is. Your father, even if he has a sound mind, may not want to make anyone his PoA. In this case you will need to explain to him what will happen: no one will be legally able to make decisions in his or your mom's best interests. Your only option will be to call social services who will act to gain guardianship over them. Social services will decide what happens to them, where they live. At that point they will not be sharing your dad and mom's medical or financial info and neither you nor your sibling will have any legal say in it. Their estate (savings, house, etc) will go to cover for their expenses. This is what happened with my FIL who was a dork and didn't make rational legal arrangements so he became a ward of the county and died in a crappy Medicaid facility. In the end, all you can do is warn your Dad. But if he's resistant, you will just have to let go of it all and walk away.
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answry Mar 26, 2020
Thanks so much for staying with me. I am going to have this conversation with dad but it surely would break my heart if the latter happens.
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[Are your parents of sound mind?]
Mom is confined to wherever you put her and communicates very little (said to have dementia). Dad is still a communicator with very little memory loss (but after being in hospital, hospitalist says they see dementia)

[Has either ever had their cognitive skills tested by a doctor?] 
A long time ago and it was only said to be a bit of old timers but never a diagnoses on paper that anyone can find.

[Who is their medical or PoA?]
As far as I know, no one has medical or financial poa. I started 7 years ago managing the finances using their checking account (helped them open but I’m not listed on the account.)

[Then the medical PoA has the legal authority to change what needs to be changed. Or the legal guardian, if there is one.]
I am now considering becoming their medical and/or financial POA but worry it is too late. I also consider if I want the headache of fighting with the never-left-home sibling, or see if APS would take a look.

If I am able, how do you know when to use and when to keep silent. However, with meds and one parent no longer being on hospice, I really want to help since never-left-home sibling is always saying I don’t know what med is what and what goes where even with hospice. I’m concerned about staff that was to be sent in at night, not being sent.

[How old is the live-in sibling?]
That sibling is 59

[but please don't waste mental and emotional energy on something you cannot change]
Thanks so much, I’m trying.
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answry, are your parents of sound mind? Have either ever had their cognitive skills tested by a doctor? Who is their medical or PoA? If your parents have cognitive decline and are not making decisions in their own best interests, then the medical PoA has the legal authority to change what needs to be changed. Or the legal guardian, if there is one.

How old is the live-in sibling? The medical and/or financial PoA can have this person removed to make more room, but that will be like kicking the hornet's nest most likely. Battles must be chosen wisely.

The PT and social workers probably see that this will become a s**t show if things are removed, if they are hoarders so no surprise they don't want part of it. Someone with legal authority can make/force changes. If no one has PoA and neither parent assigns a PoA, then "someone" can pursue guardianship but only if they are no longer of sound mind. If they are "all there" mentally, nothing you can do except watch things degrade until a crisis. I wish I had something more hopeful to offer than this, but please don't waste mental and emotional energy on something you cannot change. If they have their minds they are choosing it. May you have peace in your heart about this reality.
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The spare bedroom already runneth over. You only have a walkway path in that room and it stays locked to make sure the only person that enters is the never-left-home sibling. We’ve fought for years about various degree of things this type issue being the biggest.

I asked hospice had they mentioned that the sofa can’t block an entrance and the fall hazards. All I get is it’s ok, I’ll use the other door. Same from my employer. And now same from physical therapists. They work around the clutter and ignore the elephant.

They have had run ins with this never-left-home sibling and don’t want the fight and frankly I’m sick of it because I don’t have the support from other siblings. All of them feel sorry for said sibling at expense of parents.

So for me, it would be back to a battle and possible wrestling match. In fact said sibling has moved to that room to make sure nothing is moved and staked claim so it would be a battle.
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I’m surprised that neither Hospice nor the physical therapist will report their home as unsafe and a possible fire hazard (blocked escape route, also a hindrance to safety personnel). These people are mandated reporters and are bound by law to report unsafe conditions. If they are true hoarders and not just messy, it’s possible that there are other unsafe and unhealthy conditions in the home. I’d be tempted to call the Hospice agency and ask why they aren’t being proactive about helping you make your parent’s home a safe one.
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Is there a spare bedroom or a basement where you can pile all the extras? Don't listen if they fuss, just go in and take care of business.
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