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Hello,
My mom is currently residing in a memory care facility that is excellent. The staff is well trained and are great with their residents. My concern is that mom has been telling me of a couple of ladies being mean to her verbally. I have had mom show me who it is, and she has consistently pointed out the same ladies. My kids, who often go see mom have witnessed these ladies being mean to mom and to them also. I have let the director know. I have asked mom what she does when this happens and she says she tries to stay away from them.
It is a challenge to keep mom from wanting to stay in her room, and the staff does very well with this. But, quite often when I go I find her in the room "laying down". She tells me if she us in her room that they are not mean to her.
I have addressed this with the staff, and they tell me mom does take a nap quite often, sometimes twice a day.
Mom is still telling me about these ladies. What else can I do?

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The suggestions for bringing treats is a good one. Food always evokes a positive interchange. Fruits in season are especially well received.
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I have a similar issue at my mom's memory care and it is quite disturbing for many reasons as my mom is near 93 with dementia vs the average 80 year old resident with Alz - the two conditions have quite different behaviors

Regularly bring in nighttime treats and go out of my way to make friends with the other residents especially those I know have few visitors and need a little attention - a bite size mounds bar is easy for someone to eat as it is soft and for those that can I've found peanuts in the shell are very comforting and keeps those that wander busy cracking shells for a good 15-20 minutes

Many of the younger Alz residents either get violent or come and pester my mom and touch her or her walker which sets her off - I've been there to intervene on some of these occasions but fear she will be hurt at some point - I have private caregivers with her 12 hours a day which I can't afford but that still leaves her vulnerable and she too will hide in her room for few of her own safety - her dementia thinks these folks are either drunk or dangerous

Last night after one man stood up and peed on the floor - no staff present - he came over and was going to take my moms walker - she is no shrinking violent and she grabbed it back and said don't touch it's mine - he of course reacted badly and she escalated - what chance does an old lady with limited mobility have against an 80 year old man ? Other men have come into her room and have grabbed her- gratefully my caregiver was there to intervene

My complaints to management have had limited response - they did fire one of their staff members recently as he was intentionally tormenting my mother to agitate her - I'm at my wit's end as there are few memory care facilities and this is a well known highly regarded facility
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Treats are good; attention is even better.

I don't know if a talk with these mean ladies would be effective (with dementia they are not apt to be able to learn) but I would interact with them briefly on each visit -- and have your kids do it, too. "Oh, Mary, that color is so becoming on you! It makes your eyes just sparkle." And while you are at it, interact with non-mean residents, too. Many residents are hungry for positive attention and it puts them in a kinder mood (at least for a little while.)
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That's a good idea. Being creative is sometimes the best route.
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Or maybe take treats in once and awhile and let your Mom hand them out, making sure that the meanies get some FROM her. Sometimes it;s the little things? I did a fill in job once at a rehab that was setting up,, I bought tons of candy bars at the dollar store and took some in every day.. I was surely loved by the residents and the staff!!
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I can understand your concern, but I would keep in mind that in a Memory Care facility, the residents have diminished mental capacity. They may not be able to control making comments that your mom may consider mean. Are they threatening her? Is so, that might be different, but if they are just not nice, I'm not sure how that could be addressed by the staff. Each resident has certain rights in the facility, so I would inquire how they apply in this type of case.

What exactly have family members witnessed? I would get that specific information and discuss it with the Director. Share your family's observation and ask what can be done.

I would keep in mind that your mother's account of things may not be accurate, as people with dementia often are mistaken about events and things that are said. This is where the witnesses observations would help.
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Ask the staff if they can help your mom find a "friend".. maybe another person is going through this also? If you and your kids are witnessing this, maybe you could have a "nice" LOL word with these ladies... privately of course.. But I would not let it drop.. you are paying for the place, and she has a right to be comfortable and happy. There are Queen Bees and Mean Girls eveywhere, and they sometimes need a reminder that they are not everyones boss!
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