Follow
Share

My daughter talked me into moving my dad in my home after his last stroke (saying she was going to help she is supposed to be power of attorney) My dad has never liked me (I've felt this way my entire life) I left my job to give him the care he needs and in return all I have heard is how nothing I do is right, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, whatever he can do to bring me down he does it. I make 3 meals a day for him (I normally prepare 1) do his laundry clean his room and bathroom (I think he is actually pouring his urinals on the floors on purpose) he is in a wheelchair telling everyone he can't do ANYTHING anymore. I caught him walking when he thought I was gone. He throws his trash (drink cans etc) on the bedroom floor fine to remove. I forgot to tell you when someone else is around he is sweet as pie to me. Making me look bad if I say anything. Finally my husband saw for himself what was going on. This has been going on for 8 months now. When I'm not catering to him I stay in my room and grow more depressed each day. Last week he was on me hot and heavy finally I looked at him and said "this is MY house and as long as you are here and I am doing everything for you I deserve respect" and walk away with tears in my eyes. He calls my daughter who comes over and tells me I'm abusing him I ask her to leave she calls the police they tell me if she is power of attorney she has to be able to come take care if his needs (I've been doing) I know for sure she is in his bank account but really don't think they did Power of Attorney for anything else. He receives mail here so says he will leave on the 1st. I have been in my room to stay away from him to keep from getting into it with him again. I Know my daughter will call the police again when she is here if I say anything, but IF she has to come over for his needs (bring his food, fix his meds) is it ok that she stays for 2 hours? If she wants to visit can't she take him to her home? Yesterday she sent a text saying how I haven't fixed his meals and she was reporting me for elder abuse. Sorry, he lives here right now but I'm no longer his caregiver. Before I completely break down how can I get him out of my house?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Here is what I would do: place a calm and polite call to your daughter. Say, “Are you going to be home for a minute? I have something I need to show you. “. If she says yes, pack Dad up in the car telling him you’re taking him out to eat. Drive to dear daughter’s house, take Dad inside and tell her you’ll drop his things off tomorrow. Say bye and don’t look back.
Helpful Answer (26)
Report

Start the eviction procedures with a letter to his POA (your daughter). You do not have to put up with this abuse.
Helpful Answer (22)
Report

Why are you not calling elder services for yourself? Are you a senior.? Maybe the social worker can offer advice on how to speed up eviction
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

What a mess.
If he stays in your home I would get cameras. You can get the ones that are wireless and run on batteries.
Tell him you are putting them up so EVERYONE can see what he is up to.

BUT my first choice would be to get him out of your home. You may have to evict him. What happened to his home?

Get an elder attorney if need be. It sounds like the police are treating this more like a domestic squabble. You need help.

Call the local area on aging and tell them he needs an assessment and out of your home.

Do what your daughter threatened you with. Contact elder abuse and tell them she is abusing you and your husband.

How did this crazy setup come to be? Is your daughter paying your rent? Is your husband her father? Give us more information so we can help you with a course of action.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Wow! Thanks for all the imput. I was beginning to believe them and thinking I was in the wrong. When planning on him coming to stay with us my daughter was in the process of moving and couldn't do it.. THEN. My husband is not her father and to be honest if it weren't for him I would have broke a long time ago, my dad doesn't let anyone else see how he does me. Whenever someone else is around it's please and thank you He has been this way to me my entire life. Making everyone else (especially my daughter) think that I'm pulling an "all about me" trip as she put it. Maybe it us time for ME I'm not the one who had a 4 week beach trip, a trip to Colorado, and a trip to Tennessee since he's been here. That was her "me" time. The address change I have seriously already thought about. I said something to my hi about this and he wants me to first make sure it won't get me in trouble. His home is still there, however my daughter and I are the closest family he has. We are actually over an hour away and even though I've come to learn that he isn't AS BAD as he is making out he really doesn't need to be alone. As far as where he is going the last time I spoke to my daughter I informed her that she needs to be finding something's fast. I'm sure he will be staying with her. Then she will really see and that's all I'm going to say. I do have an appointment with a therapist next week, so in the meantime while living in my one room I have sat down and began writing by now it's pretty much a book about the way I grew up and things he has done and said to me all of my life. All I can say is that I've cried from things that are coming back to me but it is helping so much in more ways than I would have thought. One thing for sure it's making me not feel bad about the decision that has to be made
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

He says he will leave on the 1st...

What, 1st December?

Leave and go where?

Just trying to work out how you can get through the next two or three weeks, assuming that actually is the plan.

We're missing some background.
Why couldn't your father move in to your daughter's house? And if it wasn't possible back then, how is it practical now?
What were the alternative options at the time when your daughter "talked you into" this? Is any of them still possible?

Trouble is, yours is a classic "I wouldn't start from here" problem. But you know that. It's a question of surviving until he moves out without laying your hands on an ax, yes?

Could you and your husband go on impromptu vacation, leaving your daughter to come and stay with your father, get him packed and ship him out?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Daddysgirl,
Can you arrange for temporary respite by admitting your Dad in a facility that accepts two weeks stay for "respite" ?

This from your own daughter? Unbelievable! But it is unfortunately true, I know.

Gather your resources. Test your husband where he is on the team: Throw you under the bus to keep blame on you? Have him drive Dad to the respite facility, have him admitted. It is urgent. Go so far as to lose Dad's cell phone for a day.

I know hiding out in the bedroom, feeling for sure you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. And I hear loud and clear how you have been used up and manipulated by Dad and your own daughter. Calling the police on a burned out, manipulated caregiver is beyond the pale. It removes ALL negotiations from the table. This is war....your own survival is at stake here. Do not relent. Become an immovable force against the steamroller headed your way for your destruction. Know who the enemy is. All of them.

A therapist can help you stay calm, strengthen yourself in the face of all this. Today, you are heard. Today, you are supported. Today, you have taken the first step to save yourself.

It no longer matters that Dad's brain may be broken and cannot be held responsible for his abuses. With your daughter taking sides, coming against you, and calling the police...........you have the enemy living under your roof, and coming in from outside, (daughter as POA) ; with the support of police interpreting laws in favor of Dad.
Yours is an urgent, untenable and dangerous circumstance, even for two weeks.

Hiding in your bedroom is understandable, this is extreme caregiver abuse. If you do nothing...go to therapy tomorow, by making the phone calls today.  Calling APS to say you are a burned out caregiver needing help (respite) may get you some therapy.  You don't have to be that burned out to get help that you deserve so that you won't be burned out.

Keep checking back, sharing with other caregivers here who will understand.

Can you call Dad's doctor, and ask for his help?
Let's figure this out....what will that accomplish, how will that be received? Anyone?

Disclaimer: I understand that my answer appears to be taking the nuclear option, in favor of protecting the caregiver. Maybe others have some more options for this caregiver and her family....
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

The POA seems unclear in your writing. Have you not seen the POA documents? Time for a serious talk with your daughter and father about seeking placement in an assisted living arrangement, as the current live-in situation is no longer a healthy environment. Ask that she bring the POA documents so that the three of you can determine duties in this matter. Your family doctor's office and your new counselor's office will have lists of assisted living centers in your area. Your telephone book/internet will also have these listings. Gather these listings prior to your meeting with your daughter and father. While the three of you are together call the listings for prices to determine what he can afford. Make sure both of them understand that your father is responsible to pay for all costs of assisted living and that your daughter will be responsible for all communications with the Medicaid system (if she has 'Durable POA') if his finances are inadequate to pay the costs in full. Request that this meeting take place within a few days, at a time when assisted living centers in your area are taking calls for information. If your daughter does not comply with the meeting or presenting you with the POA documents, you will already have gathered all the information you need to make those calls and make decisions for moving your father to assisted living.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

daddys, you’re on the right track! You’re journaling, and starting with a counselor, good work! It’s like PTSD with these feelings with our parents, and you can sort and take charge of these feelings. Altho the relationship with your daughter may need healing, I’d focus on only yourself for now at counseling. So glad your DH is so good for you. :) And now he’s seen what you’ve been talking about. 
While you still have to be alone with your father, picture yourself protected by a shield when you bring him or do whatever.  Try to reduce any time that you are alone with him since that goes so much better.  Do you have any friends, or ladies from the neighborhood or church, who can come over periods during the day for support?
I hope you will look for a nice new job, and get back out in the world.
Isn’t this a great site?! Good luck, you will work this out!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Daddysgirl, I get it. Somehow, you are the "bad kid". It happens to nice folks and it is so NOT YOUR FAULT!

I reminded my dad of his sister. Not in a good way. He wasn't as abusive as your dad, but then, I never had to have him live with me.

It sounds as though your dad is, and has always had some degree of mental illness, and perhaps this is now complicate by vascular dementia from his stroke?

But for your own health, mental and otherwise, you need NOT to be his caregiver. It is downright dangerous to be caregiver to a person who has abused you in the past.

As I said, eviction proceedings start in the AM. " It's not personal, dad. My doctor says that I have to do this."
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.