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My mom keeps talking about how much my daughter doesn't like her in front of my daughter. She makes my daughter really mad and is not helping their relationship. We moved up to care for my mom a year ago. My daughter lost all her friends, all our things are in storage as my mother is a pack rat and there is no room for anything. My mom says things like, "she won't talk to me, She ignores me, She leaves the room when I come in." All in front of my daughter. I've talk to my daughter and she isn't very nice right now becuase of the things mom has said. I don't know what to do. My daughter is mad because my mom agreed to move into a bigger house so we could have our stuff and now she is refusing. so that adds to the tension. Mom has macular degeneration, a severe to profound hearing loss and is incontinent. These things are very hard for my daughter to understand. I am constantly trying to tell both of them to be nicer to the other. I'm stressed and at a loss.

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I believe that it's not just your relationship with your daughter that's at stake. At her age she's going to begin to find ways, any ways she can, to get out of that house and I think she could find herself on a potentially destructive path just to avoid having to face what's at home. If someone needs your care it's your daughter.
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sls247 Nov 2, 2018
They both need my care.
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Multi-generational living doesn't work for every family, IMO you daughter has already had to make too many sacrifices for her ungrateful grandmother. 16 is a very formative age and she needs your support, do you honestly want to tie yourself to the ever increasing care of your mother at the expense of your relationship with your daughter?
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sls247 Nov 2, 2018
I am trying to be supportive of my daughter and my mother.
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Why on earth did you agree to move in with your mother, a hoarder, who may have some level of dementia and mental illness?

You uprooted your daughter in what, her junior year in high school?

How unutterably cruel.

Your daughter finds this sacrifice of her life and well-being hard to understand.

So do I.
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sls247 Nov 2, 2018
My mother does not have a dementia nor does she have a mental illness.
I am well aware of the sacrifice we both made. My daugther was a freshman when we came up last year she is now a sophmore. What was utterly cruel is a brother who happens to think a 99 year old women who has mocular degeneration and a severe to profound hearing loss could live on her own, cook her on food and clean her own house. I knew this would be hard for both of us. I resigned from my job to become her full time caregiver. I was hoping for support and ideas to help both of them.
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Your mother has options, she can go into assisted living, hire caregivers etc. Your daughter had no say in this matter. What are her options?

Can she have friends over to the house? What about her stuff? How fair is it that she cannot have any of her things?

One of my kids chooses to spend as little time as possible with one grandparent. That grandparent is a negative Nelly. Within minutes the complaints start. I can not image the toll it would have taken on my child if they had had to live with her.

I know you do not want to hear this, but your first responsibility is to your daughter, not your mother. If your daughter was out of school and off to college and only visited during school breaks that would be differnt. But she is not, she is a highschool student who has been uprooted from her friends to live in a strange place with a mean old woman who complains about her.
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I get that you are trying to be supportive of both of them but sometimes it just isn't possible to give everyone what they want and need. I devoted many years to the care of my mother, first in her home, then my own and finally in a nursing home but I was a free agent with no dependants, plus my mother never demanded anything from me and willingly submitted to my authority. I believe your number 1 priority needs to be your daughter until she is an adult and fully launched, your mother has had her day and there are other options you could consider for her care.
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BarbBrooklyn Nov 2, 2018
Amen to that, CW!

SLS, do you get that your mom doesn't get to dictate what she wants? That your family life takes priority over your mom's wants?
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You chose to enslave yourself, but that is SO unfair to your daughter. Your mother will be gone in a few years, probably.

What kind of relationship will you have with your daughter by that point?

You and your mother and brother should strongly consider a facility for your mother. What is her financial status?
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Ok. I’m just going to answer your question based on the information you’ve given us and the pushback you are giving to the responders.

You tell your mother that she is probably right and to let it go. That’s the least of your problems.
Quit trying to make everyone adopt YOUR feelings. When you tell someone how they SHOULD feel, it’s crazy making.
No one can trust you because you are asking them to deny their own feelings.
A 16 year old is an exquisite creature. Very sensitive and on the threshold of life altering decisions. They tend to think in absolutes. 99 year olds not much different. If your mom were all there cognitively, as an adult she should be more concerned about your daughter and more willing to make concessions. She’s not and you aren’t insisting that she hold up her end of the bargain.
They missed their opportunity for a natural bond at an earlier age. But your mom was 83 when your daughter was born!
Is your daughter your biological child? She’s more the age of a great granddaughter to your mom.
And you are right, they both are very needy. You sound immature when you answer back to a responder. That your brother is the one that’s wrong. This has nothing to do with your brother. This is about the dynamics of the household which has to work for everyone in the home. You are wasting your time trying to make him wrong.
Your mom has perhaps lived alone for many many years, not easy to make the adjustments your moving in requires.
Is it possible for your daughter to live with her father? Does she have anyone else in her life? Uncles? Aunts? Dad’s parents? Has she been able to make friends?
Please get her a therapist. She needs someone to allow her to express her feelings and give her hope.
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IF you ignore your daughter and she feels much stress, in 2 years she may leave your home....permanantly. is this what you want?
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SLS - you posted you were “hoping for support & ideas” well if your wanting an echo chamber to agree with you, you’ve come to the wrong place. You have gotten very realistically based suggestions from folks with experience. Folks are trying to help you.

Legally your first & foremost responsibility is to your 16 yr old daughter. You uprooted her at 15 from her school, friends, sports under the guise of moving into a larger home with grannie. It was to be a better living situation. It’s been like a year and that has not happened and to make it worse your daughter is stuck living with a hoarder who is nasty to her, she has her things in storage and you are not there for her. You have chosen your mom over your daughter. From your daughters viewpoint you have kept none of your promises to her and unkept promises become lies over time.

Barb said it best “how unutterably cruel”

Your daughter is going to or has realized she has options and for a 16 yr old girl, those options are not pretty...... she is ideal candidate to become a runaway & a street flower. Pretty perfect jailbait @ 16.

If she has close friends back at her old school, see if one of the families will take her in over the Christmas break so she can finish out HS there and live with them. And please have her get with a therapist.

And I say this from experience...... We went thru Hur. Katrina, at the time, our kid was in 3rd grade, and we moved out of state for over a year with regularly making trips back. We made it a point to have him keep up with his classmates & it helped keep some sense of continuity and grounding for all of us amidst chaos. He saw a therapist which was amazing as things she pointed out were things we never ever would have thought of as an issue. Many of our friends were in Lakefront area which had 8’-10’ of standing water for weeks from levee breaks & for Lakefront kids in HS many moved in with a family in high & dry Uptown or Old Metry to finish out high school. One of your daughters old friends is going to have an older sibling who is away at college and that’s a family who will have a place for her. If you love her, do what’s best for her and the current situation for her @ your moms is far from that, it has to change in a significant way.

If she moves in with a family, Then you can deal with your mom as the priority. I’d suggest you get mom evaluated to be declared legally blind & get specialized services for being “blind”. If she’s a hoarder to the point there’s no clear egress for fire, police, EMS; you have got to - HAVE GOT TO - move out or throw out stuff so there’s egress. If anyone who is a mandated reporter sees that living condition of the home poses risk, APS can get her moved out with a court order.

At 99, realistically there’s dementia.

Your brother apparently has decided he’s over dealing with mom. That’s his right to do; he is under no obligation to deal with her or you. You chose to do this move; You chose to resign your job; You were not forced to. You can choose to get mom into a facility and do whatever to have that happen. Or you choose to live with her and caregive.

& I’ve gotta ask, where your daughters dad in all this?
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Reply to Joann:

Yes, this is grandma's house. And in general "my house, my rules".

For this adult daughter to move into her mom's home and expect that all would be rosy was not wise. Not if she subscribes to the idea that her primary responsibility is to her minor children.

But, as her responsibility IS to her minor child, and presumably, she moved in with the thought that she had a responsibility to her mother as well, there needs be an assumption that there should be no damage to the minor child. Something that all parties should agree upon.

The assumption of the OP that her mother has neither cognitive decline nor mental illness is blindness itself. I hope that as a group, we can get her to see, if nothing else, at least that.

And as Igloo wisely points out, the girl is so in danger of becoming prey to ANYONE who feigns to show her some understanding.

I have not felt this passionate about a situation since I started to post on this board.
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