What should I do with a son that is not caring about me, his father. All he is worried about is me leaving him all my and my wife's money.

Joe, it sounds as though you and your son have a fraught relationship over money.

Money is not love. If you give a child money, give it freely or not at all. Don't expect to get it back unless you draw up a loan agreement with interest and have the contract vetted by a lawyer.

... and when he does call you back you won't pick up the phone.

And this is his fault?

The disagreement between the two of you, with your feeling that he is interested only in your leaving him money, and his feeling that your support has been conditional and perhaps a little grudging, did not boil up out of nowhere.

What I would suggest is that you think about what kind of relationship with your son you will want to have five or ten years from now. If it's to be a good one, you are going to have to draw a line under past conflict and start again.

I have to add. What you have said about his accusations, to my ear, sounds as though somewhere in there somebody said "... after all I've done for you this is how you treat me..." That phrase is such a common detonator of emotional time bombs, it and anything like it is to be avoided.

What's past is past. Both of you need to look forward to what you want, as well as at the here and now to see what needs doing.

E.g. pick up the phone. You might be able to ward off any tirade by answering the phone with "I'm glad to hear from you, son, how is everyone?"

And if he doesn't call you, you call him. Enough festering!

I agree, unless you r rich there may be no inheritance. Like asked, is this behaviour new or has it been on going and this virus is the straw that broke the camels back?

If your son has never really been there for you, then u have every right to change your will. Our wills read what yours in mine. In the event that we both die at the same time, then our estate will be divided between our girls. If one of us dies before the other, then that person will need to make a new will anyway. You can leave him a small amount or a dollar. Mention him though, then it will make it hard to contest the will.

I see where ur coming from. It would be nice if he called or texted once a day just to see if there was anything u needed.

You owe your son absolutely nothing. An inheritance is not a "given" and when that is the expectation, people can and will act horribly.

My grandmother left her kids basically 1/3rd of what she had. She did favor my mother more as she was the one who was ALWAYS there for her.

In her will (and this is 25+ ago) she wrote : "This is my desire and if ANYONE contests my wishes they shall be given $1 and my eternal disdain." This was directed at my aunt, who was grasping and needy, but never had time for grandma. She was pretty quiet about the 'will' and knew it was directed at her.

As we age, and as our kids far surpass us in earthly wealth, we are beginning to think we may adjust our will to leave all our money to our grands, to be held in trust until they are 21 or some specific age.

All I can tell you is that I knew a couple whose daughter lived out of state and rarely came to visit. Their neighbors, on the other hand, took them to appointments, checked on them and called to see if they needed anything.
Now when the couple passed away, guess who got the inheritance money?
Not the neighbors, but the daughter. If there is someone that you know who will check on you and help you out, it would not be a bad idea to let them know that they will 'be remembered' at some point for their help and kindness.

Greed is a mighty thing, such a sad driving force. I say you trust your instincts. I have recently seen a woman who passed leave nearly her entire inheritance to the 2 women who were her and her late husband’s drivers. They drove her over 10 years and as she became blind the 2 women were all she could trust. They went out of their way to help her and expected nothing. She left her son 25 grand and about 100 grand to each woman. You will spend a lot on you and your wife’s care so whoever helps and loves you should receive the blessing of any inheritance, just my opinion. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable feeling like your son has one of your feet in the grave...! very disheartening. I’m so sorry you are witnessing this while you’re both still alive. Take care of you and your wife Sir. You two come first. Receiving anything is a blessing, remember that!

I'm in agreement that you should call them and ask how they are doing and if there's anything you can do to help them.

It sounds like you are feeling that your son is not doing what he “should” be doing to help you. Is this something new, or old behavior, which is maybe feeling more hurtful now with the added strain of the current CoronaVirus situation ? Are your expectations reasonable ?

All anyone can do is talk to their family openly and honestly about their needs and wants. Tell him how you feel. If possible be very specific about what you would like from him. (Errands, check ins, companionship..?) Then he may or may not step up to meet some of your requests. Ask him how he is doing too. He may be dealing with some stressful situation that you are unaware of. In fact his often being in the bathroom sounds like he is is having a problem. It’s also possible that he doesn’t know how to be supportive. Were you close in the past ? He might be struggling with his own issues, so much that he has very little emotional energy left to give to you.

If you really feel that he cares mostly about an inheritance, then that is sad. Is there a good reason to suspect this ?
I’m sorry that you are feeling alone. Sounds like you miss seeing your wife too. Maybe you can get some support from someone other than this son. Right now a lot of people are feeling more alone than before this pandemic. Try to connect with others in any way possible. Use the phone, internet, anything available. Stay in touch here too.

Have you had a good relationship with your son during the years he was growing up? Is this new and unusual behavior? If you do not wish to leave your son any inheritance than change your will; with the care needed for your wife and yourself you may well use up your money. If you do not love, care about, enjoy your son, yes, feel free to stop contact. It looks as though that is the message he is attempting to send you if all you say is true.

I would venture a guess that since your wife is in Assisted Living, if you are self-pay, there won’t be much inheritance left. I’d also guess your son understands this. Unless people are millionaires, most people are left with next to nothing by the time a loved one who is in a facility passes on.

Over Christmas, my husband became extreme ill. He actually died in the ER and the ER physician did chest compressions for 20 minutes to bring him back. I’ve been alone since then. Any help my children have offered has actually come from my son. He visits his dad with his own son in tow. He texts daily to make sure I’m doing Ok, especially now. I don’t call and ask for anything. I get up, go to my job, come home and take care of myself. If the house needs repairs, I do it myself or call someone. I pay bills and keep track of what needs to be handled and then handle it. Neither one of my kids has time for idle chatter on the telephone. They also don’t want to hear me bitch about how rotten life’s treated me (I was laid off Thursday due to CoVid-19)

Take a step back and look honestly at your expectations of your son. Have you become helpless and demanding lately? Do you think he owes you because you’re his dad and raised him? Well, he does owe you at least a check in call or text once every day to find out how you and Mom are doing and if you need anything. Let him call you. If he doesn’t, call a grocery or prescription delivery service on your own. If you show your independence, he may relax and start to call more than twice a week.

I expect at this time you are at a pretty low ebb, emotionally. Your wife has a terrible illness. You cannot do what you normally do to support her. Perhaps for years you have had to live with the disease, and without the relationship you always enjoyed with your wife.

Now there is a global health emergency which, to put it mildly, has upset everybody's anthill. You are stuck indoors in your home, and having to cope alone.

You might have thought that as a senior, on your own, you would appear on many people's top priorities list; and especially that of your child.

Step back, take some deep breaths, and do what you can to maintain perspective. It is an extremely stressful time for *everyone.* It is very important that you don't allow it to do more damage to your life than can be helped.

Thinking about the practicalities: how are you managing? Do you have enough supplies in the house for yourself? Will you have access to delivery services and any support you might require over the next few weeks?

About your son: does he have children? Is he able to go to work? I think a great many family men are finding this crisis extremely difficult to get a handle on - they're worried about their families, worried about their jobs and the economy, anxious to do something to help but then also anxious to behave responsibly and reduce social contact. It's especially hard for men, who are stereotyped as being happier if there is something they can DO about a problem.

I don't know why you feel that all your son cares about about is his inheritance. Has anything happened that makes you believe so, or is this part of feeling that he's not showing the concern he ought to about your welfare?