My father in law lives around 30 minutes from me. Husband was his full time carer and dealt with everything but is now in prison and there is nobody else to care for him. I initially contacted social services to get him put into a nursing home but they have said he doesn't fit the criteria and he has no funds to pay for it himself. He has had a stroke, in a wheelchair, has speech issues and dementia. Carers come in 3 times a day and deal with personal care and meals however, they aren't very good. There has been an issue with his bank which means everytime I need to buy anything for him (electric, gas, food etc) I have to drive 40 minutes to the bank, provide receipts and then it takes about an hour for them to release funds. I am so so so sick of caring. Before, we had never really spoke two words to each other. I work 12 hour shifts and seem to spend my days off sorting out appointments, going to bank, general things that pop up that weren't planned for and I am so sick and tired of it. Social work aren't interested and barely return my calls, I've already made a complaint and it's not achieved anything. Any advice on how to go forward? I can't just leave him to it as he would freeze and end up starving as he doesn't have the capacity to be able to sort this stuff out. Any advice? All I want is a day off where I can do whatever I want rather than running around all day to get home late and still have my own life to deal with
If the care company is sub-contracted to your local council, someone in the council is in charge of it, and might be worth talking to. Three visits a day for personal care and meals might be able to be varied to include one full day, which could give you the day off you crave?
Anyway, sadly he had cancer that progressed to an advanced stage. Even though he was proactive in treating it, there wasn’t much hope that he would survive.
He named a couple of his close friends as his emergency contacts. Like you, we helped out but it is hard to continue to help out on a regular basis.
He also asked us if we were interested in being his POA.
We told him that we didn’t want the responsibility of being his POA and that he was not going to be able to live with any of us and would have to go into a facility.
We realized that he was coping with a lot, his mortality, the state intervening, entering a facility, etc. He was a bit anxious at first, but he accepted his fate. He became satisfied with the outcome and was grateful to be placed.
It’s a lot to ask someone to do everything that is needed to care for someone who is seriously ill.
The state took over and found a suitable facility for him to live out the remainder of his life. We went to visit him as often as possible.
You do not have to accept any responsibility for his care. You deserve to live your life.
Take him to the ER or have him tranported there with--to be frank--some lie or another. Once in tell Social Services that his son, who was his caregiver, is in prison and there is no one to care for him. You are not POA. Let them know you WILL NOT be POA and you will not participate in his discharge planning.
They will have to find placement for him or discharge him with no one; that would consitute an "unsafe discharge".
The state has taken over care of his son. Now time for them to take on Dad. This is NOT your problem unless you make it so.
I certainly understand that you are exhausted and need to go back to living your own life.
This current situation places a heavy burden on you and isn’t fair to you. You shouldn’t be in a position where you have the responsibility of overseeing your father in law’s needs.
Call Council on Aging in his area. Set up a consultation with them to do as assessment of his needs.
Tell Council on Aging what your situation is and discuss any concerns that you have regarding his future care.
Ask about any resources that could be utilized to help with his future care. Tell them explicitly that you are not available to assist in his care.
Inquire about what needs to be done for him to qualify for Medicaid, so that he can enter a facility.
I am sorry that his caregivers aren’t satisfactory. What issues are you having with them? Can this situation be addressed and resolved?
Wishing you peace as you move towards resuming your life.
Once I got control of stuff online its easy. An hour or less a month and bills are paid.
Now about your FIL who is his POA?
Is he easy to get along with?
Does he have memory problems?
Does he have property?
As stated in another post you may need to enlist the caregiving home to assist you with paperwork. If he has assets then that will be used first then on to Medicaid.
Call APS and tell them you can no longer help him. Could they please evaluate him for LTC and if found he is 24/7 care the State will need to take over because you no longer can do it.
Have you tried contacting some facilities in your area and then let their social worker(not social services)walk you through the process? They can even help you with the Medicaid process.
You can also call APS(Adult Protective Services)and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and they will come out and do an assessment on him and take things from there.
I wish you well in getting your life back and your FIL the help that he needs.
And if the facility social workers aren't returning your calls, perhaps it's time to make an in person visit to the facility your choice and talk to them face to face.
However if no one is your FIL's POA, then you may have a hard time getting him placed unless he is willing to go on his own.
That is where APS would come in handy, as they can take over his care and he can become a ward of the state.
And whoever you talked to at social services is an idiot. They were just trying to get rid of you.