I care for my husband's Grandmother who raised him. We pay all the bills but food. She wanted to pay for that. She moved in cause no one else could help her. I do all the driving for meds and doctor appointments. She is constantly complaining about how she pays the food, no one knows how much pains she in, her medical bills, and etc. She has even started bad mouthing my husband to my mother and his mom. How he doesn't do enough around the house. He works grave shifts though..... So that means he is asleep most the time. She is constantly complaining. I have to hide from her most of the time to get peace. She needs a hobby cause she will watch me do chores. I clean up after her all the time and yet likes to act like she is the cleanest person on this planet. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Every time she doesn't get her way she starts saying she's going to a home. I really don't want that for her but at this point she is so hard to live with sometimes. 😟
Do any advice?

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"She moved in cause no one else could help her"

Now you know why no one wanted to help her. I would call her on it next time she says she will go to a home say "We can start looking today". I believe my house, my rules. She "should" be paying something towards her keep and any bills, toiletries, clothing etc. You should not be paying out of your pocket for anything. Maybe a rental agreement and it should be notarized. It could be just enough to cover the groceries. Its wise to do this in case Medicaid is ever needed. I read better to get rent than to try to claim as a caregiver.

You don't sound too old. How old is grandmom? Maybe a nice Senior apt with rent based on what her income is would be better for her.
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Next time grammy says she's going to a home, agree with her 100% and let her know you'll get the process started immediately. Chronic complaining leads to chronic stress for YOU, which leads to illness and all sorts of problems. Trust me, I know. I've been listening to non-stop complaining from my 93 y/o mother for 63 years now. Only thing that saves my sanity is that she lives in a Memory Care ALF. Speaking to her for 10 minutes a day and having a 20 minute window visit every Sunday is MORE THAN ENOUGH to give me heartburn and a stomach ache.

Wise up before it's too late.

Good luck!
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What you are doing is hard. It doesn’t sound like anyone is happy. And it will get worse as she ages.
Right now might not be the best time to go facility shopping but you could call your Area Agency on Aging and ask that they come do an assessment for what type of care would be appropriate for her. It could give her a wake up call.

Here is a link.

You can have both of the mothers involved so when GM spins it, they will be prepared. If either objects, don’t stand in their way when they take GM home with them.

If she doesn’t have the ability to pay for facility care, then she can start the process for Medicaid.

If she stays in your home, you need to have a more formal agreement. A caregiver contract and/or a rental agreement where she pays her way and isn’t scrutinizing you or your husband’s actions.

Do some research on those topics on this forum and you should get some ideas.

Does she have a Power of Attorney for medical and financial?

Remember that this is your childrens lives as well and you are responsible for them. You are not responsible for your husband’s GM. It is often hard for elders to be around young children.

Her arrangement with his parents was between them. It’s great he is appreciative of her care when he was a child but this situation is not balanced.

Everyone in the family matters. Not just GM.

If I were in your shoes, she would not bring up moving unless she was truly ready to go because I would help her get there right away. You don’t have to be upset or ugly. Just arm yourself with knowledge and options and put your family first.
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"Every time she doesn't get her way she starts saying she's going to a home."

Help her to find one!

She's not going to change.
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Since she’s unhappy and you’re unhappy, what’s the downside of looking into another place for her to live where perhaps she’ll be more content and your home will be peaceful? The current arrangement doesn’t seem to be working for anyone
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