Three years ago I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and psychosis. Since then I managed to graduate, thanks to a very understanding lecturer at Cardiff Metropolitan University. However during this time I had to move to my grandmother's house. She is getting on in years now, and in more ways than one, I find myself having to put things that I want to do aside so that I can tend to her needs. I was hoping that I would be able to have some sort of career and maybe (maybe) get on in life and better myself and my situation in the world. However it's a struggle just to get through the day at the moment. My grandmother, who has arthritis, which hinders her ability to do physical tasks, I suspect, is in the early stages of dementia due to a consistently forgetful demeanour and having made certain noises which I know to be consistent with dementia, as well as a family history of the condition. This makes day to day living very difficult. My life has no structure whatsoever and I grab sleep when I can. Throughout the day I am asked to perform all range of tasks for which no thanks is given, and when any protest is made, I am told that I wouldn't be doing anything else, which makes me feel pretty worthless. I guess I should be grateful that I have somewhere to live.
I feel like a burden on my grandmother and she has said before that she doesn't want to hold me back, which makes me feel like everything is my fault. Nothing I ever do ever feels good enough and I am so terrified of doing something wrong, and like the butterfly effect, this having drastic consequences. I have some support from caregivers for my condition, and part of me wonders whether I am just exaggerating my grandmothers illnesses to justify doing nothing. Yet there are so many things to do that as soon as I start one thing I get distracted by something else. I have so many ideas that I end up negating my own ideas just so I can reduce the number of things that I want to do and make the amount of things I want to do more manageable. And yet at the same time that I'm doing this, I am being told to do other things which don't really mean that much to me and are not really what I want to do. I feel like I am being taken advantage of. For example on numerous occasions people (friends) have asked me to work for them for free even though they get paid for the same job, so it just means they don't have to do as much for their wage. As well as this, I feel like I am somehow that worthless that I should have to beg for the ability to serve someone else's goals, like it is supposed to be a privilege to be walked over. In fact I gave someone a number of hundreds of pounds on loan, in the knowledge that I would be paid back in a month, which was six months ago and I feel like I am not entitled to have it back because I should be grateful that that person associates with me.
A few years ago I tried to kill myself and was taking drugs at the time, so I feel like I don't really deserve to live, since at one point I hoped to leave this life and made a big mistake in experimenting with drugs. I feel like I have screwed up my brain chemistry and when I cant argue back when people insult or belittle me, I feel like this is why. I feel like I blame my problems on other people rather than myself, which makes me feel irresponsible and a bad person. I want to get on in life and be a good person, but I don't see how when, if I am a good person, and I am unhappy, then would it be better to be a bad person and be happy? and then I start to wonder what makes a good person. who defines it? when I look around me at the people in my life, I feel bitterness and resentment, and then I judge myself for being bitter. I don't want to be like my nan and be living with someone who usually hates themselves. But then I have been here for so long, and this place has been so instrumental in my so-called "recovery", that I don't even know how I could survive anywhere else. And when I think of making some drastic change, everyone I know tells me to stay where I am and do nothing, maybe get a job (in fact people keep telling me to get a job, though I think I would do more harm than good in one, and I think anyone would be better than me at pretty much anything), so there's constantly this negative feedback telling me not to do things.
I dream of moving out, getting a job doing something I enjoy, or maybe working for myself so I don't have to be around people. I feel like unless I do something, the years are just going to pass by and I will wonder where my life went. So everyday there is this desperation boiling under the surface and it requires lots of self-control just to avoid saying something which will upset someone which will make my life infinitely harder, result in a re-admission to a mental health ward (since any time I act differently, people see that as me being psychotic, so I can't show enthusiasm for anything), and send me reeling ten steps back to where I came from.