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My 85 y/o mother fell recently(again) My sister, an LPN lives with her and is her legal medical advisor. The will has been changed since the orginal will that was done before my father passed away 5 years ago.. My sister is now inheirting everything .The original will everything had been divided equally between the 4 children.After my mom's fall, the sister opted to treat her with pain meds, and oxygen. I live out of state. A week later she sent me an e-mail, because my brother told her too. (He meant for her to tell me about the fall and the will changes, My sister took my mom to family doctor after a week; sent me an e-mail about the fall and they had good news; the x-rays showed no broken bones? I sent her an e-mail asking why she waited a week, she said mom didn't want to go to ER and that she had to respect her wishes!! My Mom fell 4 years ago while I was there visiting and she didn't want to go to ER then either. I loaded her up into the car, and took her anyway. She needed alot of stitches in her head, and kept her overnight for observation. I also asked my siter in that e-mail if doctor (small rural town) had requested an MRI. The MRI done when I was there shows she had been having mini strokes, No,MRI was ordered only PT. The sister does not want a repeat MRI ,because I'm sure she actually does know enough, that it would probably void all the new wills. Questions I have are: 1. What are laws regarding taking an elderly parent to ER against their will? I've thought of talking to my mom's doctor and telling her my sister gave her pain pills (from who knows where?) and oxygen? and waited a week for her to be seen. I would also be able to express my concerns about her mental stability. My mother is very hostile and agressive with me when I spoke with her on the phone. I'm sure she thought I knew about the will changes, when I was simply calling to talk about her fall and to see how she was doing. I'm very upset with lots of things...my mom's treatment towards me, (which started after my father died. My mom always thought I loved him more) and which also intensified when my sister moved in to her house, My sister whom is over 50 never liked me because in her words I was thinner, prettier and people liked me better. I have never done or said anything bad to her. The last time I was visiting my mom, my sister got so angry with me, she grabed me by thwe throat and was shaking me up and down. I left not saying anthing to her, The next day she came to see my mom, so in front of my mom, I said in a regular voice, that if you ever touch me againthat I would call the police. amy mom, said" You would do that to your own sister"? I know if I talk with her doctor, social workers etc. will become involved, with the possibility of my sister losing her job. I think there is the potential of her killing my mother. ( not intentionally) but due to an over elaluation of her knowledge,(in my opinion.) My mom wants to stayin her home, and is obviously is happy with her care and the caretaker. That would all change I'm sure if I( talked with her doctor) My mother let me know I had lots of wrong information, no, she didn't buy my sister a car ( In my sisters e-mail , she said she paid her back?) she never co-signed a $40,000 loan for my sister to pay back her credit card bills; but then she did remember the back calling her about the money? My 85 y/o mother just finished paying off the loan. No, she never paid off the morgage of the sisters boyfriends property when it was going into foreclosure (she was living with him, and there was never any paperwork) So, my mother told me we were all treated the same in the will, ( so, all of these things are not true. All her anger was being directed at my brother who owes her over $100,000. She was yelling at me"I'll never see any of that money
" In my sisters e-mail that "they are coccerned about running out of money" My older brother who lives near their, saw my sisters name on the bank deposit slip on my moms table. I was thinking, well you could pay rent, you could start paying your loan I don't know. Just a thought. So, I did send my mom an e-mail requesting that my name be completely taken out of the will ( I think their are some stocks in my name..........I don't know because I've never seen it) I wrote I do not want anything from her, and all I had ever wanted was just her love. Of course. I've heard nothing from my mom. Meanwhile my older brother said the holy spirit visited him, and said my mother would die soon) The same thing happened before my father past away? Should I just let whatever is going to happen, happen? Neither of my brothers are talking with my mom . So.............that's my family and my situation? (There isn't really very much medically wrong with my mom. It bothers me that the sister talks so much to her about dying and her medications,etc.and then that's what my mom has to think about when she is home alone.all day. My mom still makes her own meals, does her own laundry, has a cleaning lady, and has a friend take her for goceries,PT etc..My sister can't really be doing all that much for her. She does work full time. What should I do?

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I just click on the notification in my e-mail box. Some one else wrote "what should I do? I noticed earlier today there was a post from 2010 and people were answering her question. It was a lady writing about her husband and the relationship he had with their only son. They would not acknowledge her when she would ask either of them a question. My question was reposted the other day with a new question at the top. Maybe they are just reposted when there isn't any other activity .Maybe they are reposted because people keep giving answers. I've made some decisions today. So, I don't need any additional input, but I would like to thank everyone who did answer for their time and their advice.

Who ever is reposting this please stop. Thank you
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Nobody knows, we thought you did it. How are you logging in to your question?
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Why does this question keep being reposted?
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Get mom to your home, call it a visit. Don't go against your sister. Tell her you are providing her respite.
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Contact an estate attorney. My brother is one and if you tell me where you live, he could help you.
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. There should be a book written on communication between family members and the caregiver. All seniors should read up on how families get angry about the WILL. Its your mom's money, your mom's house - and she can do what she wants with it.

As a caregiver, I was forever being told what to do by other family members. They all seemed to have some input, but never enough time to come and help. The excuses were always the same, live to far a way, just cannot stand to see (patient) in this condition, bla bla bla. Then when he was dying, where were they?

Here is how I look at this. Don't question the caregiver unless you yourself are willing to step in an take over. Then POP the statement about the WILL. Oh that dreaded WILL. You said Mentally, your mom knows what is going on. Simple answer, your mom wants your sister to have everything. I would accept your mothers wishes and move on. Meanwhile, if you really feel your mother is not be treated correctly, call adult services and have them check in with them. As for the legal questions, hire an attorney. Either one of these two things could finish any communication with your mom and your sister. But if you feel your mother is being mistreated or needs to go to a different doctor or ER, then you should take steps to check out the situation. But, keep in mind, if all is well, you have sealed your place in the family.
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I would love to take care of my mother. My husband and I offered many times, We live near LA and my mother in Montana..She would like to stay in her home. There is an apartmrnt attached to her home.That is where my sister is living. I know my sister should have taken her to the ER and not let an 85 y/o sit at home for a week. That was my question,,,,,,,,,,,I sent the sister an e-mail and asked her why she didn't take her. "She didn't want to go, and I need to respect her wishes" I know my mother should have a complete workup with a neurologist and an MRI and then go from there. I can't tell my sister anything because as she told me,"I'm a trained professional"! My mother said everything went black before the fall. I lived near there 3 years ago (only for 2 years)I took my dad for his medical appts. to the same family docter. This doctor came to my dads funeral. I made this doctor a wreath for Xmas, so that is why I thought she would talk with me. The relationships are a little different there then say LA. I did copy an article about TIA and highlighted several parts. I sent it to my moms former housekeeper, she has been staying with my mom in between other proffesional caregivers. I asked her to give it to my mom, and just tell her, when she falls she needs to go to the ER. She needs to know because I know my mother would not want to live if she had a bad stroke,maybe not being able to walk,eat by herself etc...I told the former housekeeper, my sister will be mad, but thats ok! (they don't know it is from me) I wrote about all the will info. because she is the sole heir now....to everything.

This will tell you alot about my mother and sister's relationship. My sister worked for this same family doctor for maybe 10 years or so. She was let go from that job about two years ago. My sister and the doctor didn't get along, and she would go complain to my mom all the time about the doctor. This happened maybe ten years ago or so? My mother went into the doctor to talk with her about the treatment to my sister ( who was maybe 40-45 at the time).
Mentally my mom knows everything that is going on. She has trouble finding words obvious small things. Do I just go there take my mom to a neurologist (nearest big city is an hour away). I thought I might also send my sister some articles about unlawfull death lawsuits. But what happens is she will tell my mom, and tha makes for more stress for my mom, etc... She told my mom about the holy spirit and my brother and his vision of her dying soon!!!! My brother called the youngest brother and me, to say we should think of visiting my mom soon. I think that was just plain ignorant of my sister to tell my mom of a death vision and let her sit all day with that to think about. My older brother that lives near them has just stopped going there to see my mom ( due to the sisters treatment to him, and the bad mouthing about him to my mom and the her treatment to him). At this point they are done with the situation. My older brother is a ver nice, kind person and has done alot for our parents his whole life. It would not have bothered me at all if my mother had left him everything.
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Globetrotter, thanks for the info. Both my parents are now fall risks and I was wondering if there were other root causes.... I know age plays a big part as everything starts to go haywire. Even poor eyesight.

And like you said inactivity, oh my gosh my parents [90's] use to walk 2 miles a day come rain or shine, and in the past few years that had stopped. I even notice that in myself as now I am too tired to keep up with exercises, so even I get winded if I need to walk any distance.
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SallySee, a very good question, I wondered the same thing. My mother has been falling more as well.

I am inclined to think of it this way: Alzheimer's/dementia is a disease of the brain. Specific regions of the brain affect different areas of functioning. One part of the brain and central nervous system controls motor functioning, which includes balance and mobility. That is why, in the end stages of Alzheimer's, the patient loses their ability to swallow and other autonomic functions.

I also believe other factors come into play, such as differences in perception, de-conditioning of muscles from inactivity, loss of bone mass, inner ear disturbances and, of course, side effects of medications.

We tend to think of the brain as being related to mental activity; however, it also controls motor functioning.
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Offer to have your mother stay with you.
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I agree with all the posts but I have a related question - WHY does a person with dementia fall a lot? My MIL falls (she lives in another town, with supportive SIL) but I never thought that it would be related to mental condition?
That is interesting.
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Im concerned about the way your sister is handling your mother's medical decisions. She's a LPN and knows that your mom should be taken to the hospital to be checked because of her past fall history . Also I'm concerned about your sister giving her pain Meds that could increase her chances of falling . Your whole post concerns me with the treatment of your mom.i wouldn't worry so much about her will but her medical status at this point. Her personality change could be from falling or dementia or who knows ? With her past and current history of falling I'd be very concerned. What I would do is contact senior protective services and have them drop by to see her , it doesn't hurt and if everything is ok then no problem . I would also get a competency eval on her through senior protective services. My main concern is her safety and well being ,,, and finding out what she is getting for pain and from whence it came.
I am a RN and also take care of my mom so I understand what you are going through .
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Hi leastfavorite. You seem to be new here. Welcome to the forum. You can get a wide range of perspectives from other people involved in the care of elderly loved ones, and from some professional caregivers. I hope you will find that useful.

I think you have started posts 3 times in the last 5 days. That is fine. In fact it is often a good idea to keep topics separate. Someone may ask for advice on getting mom to shower in one post and then in another ask about hallucinations. This helps attract the right people to respond.

I'm confused about your 3 posts, however. They all seem to be about pretty much the same thing. Your mother is having falling episodes. You do not approve of the way your sister, the primary caregiver, is handling the falls or any of mother's care. And in each and every one of the posts you tell us that your mother's will has been changed several times. (But you claim that is not important to you.) How is the will related to her falling down?

Since all of your posts seem related, I'll respond in one place, here.

You are apparently from a dysfunctional family. I'm sorry. That complicates everything, doesn't it? I am sympathetic, and I think you deserve some help in dealing with the long-standing issues in the family. Have you ever gone to therapy? It sounds like now would be a good time to have a sympathetic but objective person to talk to.

Old people fall down. People with dementia fall down a lot. Old people with dementia? You'd better count on some falling. It is certainly worthwhile to do everything possible to reduce the risk of falling, but it is not possible to eliminate the risk altogether.

When to take an elderly person to the ER or to a hospital is a very case-by-case decision. The persons on the scene must make the best judgement they can. Sometimes that means overriding the elder's wishes and sometimes it means respecting them.

You think your sister might be under-treating your mother because she fears that if there is a medical finding that mother has dementia, the changes to the will won't be valid. It isn't up to your sister to ask for an MRI -- the doctor will recommend one if there is a good reason for this expensive procedure. And and MRI could not possibly define whether changes to a will over the last few years are valid. That would be a ridiculous reason to refuse an MRI. (And maybe your sister is ridiculous. I'm not ruling that possibility out. But it really sounds like a hypothetical and somewhat paranoid reason you've come up.)

You claim that mother is in pretty good health and taking care of her shouldn't be a burden for your sister. And yet you know she has vascular issues and you believe so strongly that she has dementia that you think that's why your sister doesn't want to let her have an MRI. So which is it? Mom is perfectly OK, or Mom is a pretty sick lady?

The fact that Mom is nasty to you on the phone may be because your sister, with whom she lives, has pretty harsh opinions of you. Or it may be because she has dementia, or may be part of the family dysfunction that goes back many years. I am truly sorry about this. If you would like to mend your relationship with your mother (a good idea, I think), then I strongly urge you into some counselling,

You are concerned that your sister talks about death all the time with your mother. You are out of state. How do you know what they talk about all the time? How do you know which one brings the topic up? How often do you visit? How often do you talk on the phone? Is Mother always nasty to you in your conversations?

leastfavorite, I am truly sorry you are not from a close-knit, loving family, where everyone can trust each other and all are working toward what is best for the parents (even if they don't always agree what that is.) I am sorry that you don't seem to have your mother's unconditional love (she thinks you loved your father better). This is all very sad. Please get some counselling to deal with this. You deserve it!
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It may come as a shock to you, but no one is going to read your short story.
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Check out the answers to your question via this link where you had asked a similar question https://www.agingcare.com/questions/85-year-old-have-right-to-refuse-going-to-emergency-room-187598.htm
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