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My mom is 93y old now. About 2 years ago she started to tell me that she can not take care about all the house she was living in saying its to big, to much to do and was asking me to bring her to live with me. There are now 5 month she is here moving from Europe to the US. From the nice person she was its nothing left over. She is so far fit, no ill, she could do some small things in the house here, but she is refusing. She is not even willing to make a tea for herself. I am cooking food that she likes, but if it is not served on her plate she is not eating. I showed her several times how to warm the food up in the microwave, but of course she is refusing saying that she does not touch anything in a strangers house. Also, no matter what I am saying she starts yelling and screaming at me all day long. Now she wants to go back to Europe, she wants to travel there all alone and live in an empty house that is on the market for sale, and is yelling at me asking for money.
This yelling and arguing has to stop, I am stressed and frustrated and can not focus anymore on my job which is pretty demanding. I need some help or advise. Thank you.

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Hi Lucienne, Go to a bookstore and buy her an english/romanian(or language of your origin) dictionary. I think if you help her help herself, she will understand that you will do everything to help her, and she may soften. no body likes to ask for help, even when we need it most. She has been independent for a long time. Just admitting to you that she could not care for the house was a BIG step for her. Good Luck, please keep us updated. We Care.
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Do you think you Mom has suffered from untreated depression all her life creating the rather "not nice" person she has been? Is there a Council on Aging or similar agency in Dallas that can help you navigate healthcare etc?
I think it can be frustrating trying to find out where we can get the assistance we need.
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Lucienne, Maybe your mother is like a barking dog --- afraid! I would be very afraid to be losing my mind in a country where I don't speak the language. Heck, I studied French for 8 years, but I would hate to be stuck in France in my old age.

it sounds like she was never a saint. And you do need to set limits on her - insist that she treat you with respect and help out around the house. But if you can see her as a scared helpless old lady using a sharp tongue to hide behind, maybe you can have sweet loving feelings for her sometimes. Caregiving is so much easier when you are feeling love.

Don't blame yourself when she provokes you and you are angry with her. Give yourself credit every time you can call on your loving side. You will find SOME help, so you won't have to do it 100% on your own. Good luck and God bless you.
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Lucienne, be sure to talk to a healthcare navigator about your mom's eligibility for The Affordable Care Act (or Obamacare). I'm fully eligible and the first time I tried to verify who I was, it told me it couldn't verify it. It was frustrating. I went in again and eventually got verified. Now if I could just get through the rest of the sign up, I'd be a happy camper. The website is still not working right.

I'm glad your mom is acting better...I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it holds. It sounds like a little bit of "tough love" from you right now helps...but that may change over time. Good luck and keep us posted...
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I work from home and try my best to get my job done as required. I get every 3 month a bonus.
Three days ago she got me really mad and I old her if she will continue being so stubborn, refusing everything and yelling I will send her in a nursing home. Yayyy me it worked !!! She changed to the nice person she was in a certain amount. Now lets see how long that will hold.
she did set up the table for us to eat, cleared it too after that ad put all the dishes in the dishwasher. She can do it !!!
I never ask to do heavy housework from her, I do it myself or call a maid if its too heavy for me too.
Yesterday she acted more or less normal. We were talking about my grandparents. She realized she cannot even remember anymore when they were born, and confused the WWII events with the once from the 1989 Revolution in Romania.
I am just curious how long this peace will hold, would be nice but I do not think it will be too long.
I tried to enroll her in this Obamacare the other day. Damn, I thought its is for everybody who has no insurance. I was wrong. they do at the registration credit check with Experian, and if its not verified the system is kicking you complete out. I did this b/c she has absolute no insurance, all the companies refused to insure her being too old and medicare/medicade told me she is not enough long in the US and declined too. Well, I will deal with that too alone, no other choise.
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Lucienne86, I admire your attitude! Of course you can deal with this too! Look for all the help you can get. You deserve it.

Perhaps you address Mom's attitude that she can do nothing "in a stranger's house." You are certainly not a stranger, and it is her home now, too. So, she can make herself a cup of tea, or do without tea, for example. Make sure that she really can make a cup of tea. She may be trying to cover up her deteriorating abilities by claiming there is some other reason she won't. But if she can, she should.

She can heat something in the microwave, or eat it cold, or skip it. Her choice. BUT be sure she really can learn to use the microwave. If she has beginning dementia then I'm sure you wouldn't want to demand more than she can really do.

Do you work from home, or leave the house each day? How does she get along when you are not there?

You really need to protect your ability to do your demanding job. You both depend on that income!
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My sister and I just came to the realization our mother has Dementia. We both were too close to it to see it clearly. It took an outsider to make us see the reality of her behavior. It really sounds like this is exactly what you are dealing with. Good luck and know that there is help. This group of people are an excellent support group for you. You might contact Senior Services in your area to see what is availible to you. They have been a great place to get information for us.
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yes, she always was just ME ME ME and after me the hurricane lol
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Has she always been this way? Is she on any kind of medications for her dementia (that she seems to have)? If she hasn't been evaluated, perhaps some kind of anti-depressant might calm her down and make her a bit happier. If she's always been this way, then you've got your hands full. I'm not sure what to tell you.
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Hey guys, thanks for your answers. I was with her at the Romanian church here in Dallas because I thought the same as you are telling me that she will find some friends there. Well, from the first time she bashed the pastor and the people there so far that we were asked to leave. I do have some nice older ladies living here on the property, who even with the language barrier are trying to talk to her, but she is refusing. I was with her at the malls here in the city, at the Arboretum which is gorgeous, even if I aid lets go get some groceries she left the store after 5 min., she does not like anything.
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I agree with Ismiami - see if you can find a group (church, social group) where they speak the language of your mom. It sounds like she's Eastern European? I know that here in the Chicago area, there are large communities of folks from many different countries.

For example, I worked with a woman who's dad was from the Ukraine. He made many friends through the church he attended. My co-worker found him a caregiver who spoke his native language, so he had someone else to talk to. He'd attend church every day and they knew him and he was part of that community.

I have no idea if that would work for your mom, but maybe try to find some help who speak her language, so she's not so lonely and isolated from her language and customs. And it does sound like dementia, which will be very difficult for both of you, as the language barrier will make things more difficult.
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Lucienne, she needs a complete neurological-psychological workup, including a CT imaging of her brain. The mood-swings and memory losses are indicating a progressive cognitive decline. Medication prescribed by a qualified neurologist who is experienced with aging patients may help her smile more. Do take time for yourself on a regular basis and do not allow her to throw a tantrum and hold you back. Set up a trust when the house is sold, to pay for her care, so she does not spend all the money at once.
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Best of luck, aside from the medical and financial needs, you may try looking into any social or religious groups from your country. Dallas is a big city, you may find somewhere for her to attend or occasionally socialize. If she could make friends she may be a little less dependent on you emotionally.
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I thank you guys for all your answers. Unfortunately, I can not send her back, there is nobody there for her. She has zero income. We are from a former socialist country and my father being self employed had no right to pay in the pension or health system. Also, there they do not have a agency of aging or caregiver you can trust. All of those are private people and you never know if they will do what it is supposed to do. I did all her residency papers before she came here, so I will check with the Agency of Aging to see if they can help me in a way. I will speak also with he doctor that is managing her blood, maybe he can give me also some advise. My life was not easy but I managed to get all done so far, so I will deal with this too.
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So much to consider

Unless you are in an ethnic area where she can communicate, if she does not speak English she will be 100 % dependent on you for everything. Ready for that?

Se misses get lifestyle, at her age it is hard to create new habits, her nostalgia wil worsen.

I assume she has an income, perhaps a pension, or that you can take responsibility for her health care. Health care and NH can be very expensive. I ope you have her residency papers in order.

What is health care and elder services like in her country?

If she is fit and well so far she may be better of back home in a smaller house.

Adjusting to new culture and country is difficult at an advanced age. This will make it very stressful for you as we'll.

I would strongly consider helping her back home and making elder arrangements there.

Good Luck
L
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I would suggest talking to your local gov't agency on aging. Even if she isn't a citizen, they would help you. They could steer you in the right direction.
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Lucienne, this is a tough one because she does not speak English. This isolates her so much. What you describe certainly sounds like it could be dementia. If so, there are no easy answers. Trying to correct her behaviors may not work unless you can convince her that she can do them. Maybe if she wants to do them, then she will welcome being more active. You know your mother, so you may be able to figure out things that might work.

I am sitting here trying to figure out things that might work. Everything I think of hits a block, because of the language barrier. Aging and dementia is challenging enough when things are in one language. I can't imagine working through it when there are two languages. Do you have a doctor who is fluent in your mother's language? I have a feeling you need to look to building a strong team to help you deal with what's ahead.

Please try to discourage her from returning home. Maybe let her know how much you need her or want her with you. That way she will be doing you a service to stay. If she has dementia and you were to send her home, I have a feeling you would be getting her again soon unless she has family in Europe.

Chances are she is still disoriented, since she is older and may have dementia. I have my fingers crossed she'll get some better as she adapts. But putting together that team that speaks her language still sounds like a good idea.
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U need to contact the agency on aging in ur state they can help provide help for u so ur not so stressed in my state I contacted them I get help 5 days week 7 hours day it all depends on ur needs hope this will help u in someway sorry I can't do more totally know how u feel keep ur chin up god bless
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I wish I knew what to tell you. I agree with you that her behavior is early dementia. There is a great book "My Mother, Your Mother" by Dr Dennis McCullough, a geriatric Dr who espouses slow medicine. It is filled with information you need.

About your mother's behavior, I have no experience with dementia, but I don't take any guff off my 92 year old Dad, who has parkinsons. You need me, I don't need you is my attitude, treat me with respect or i am gone. Can you stop jumping through hoops to try and please her, and allow her to find her own way.

You could see a therapist to help you through this tough time. I see mine once a month. His input is invaluable, I couldn't make it without him.
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I believe its dementia even it is not very advanced. I did not bring her to a geriatrician, thank you for the suggestion.
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What about an assisted living facility, or senior apartments? She may not be happy because she has little interaction with others while you are gone through the day. It sounds like she is doing what she can to get your attention, and it is working. If she is healthy find a senior center where she can meet people, be entertained, which will tire her out in the evenings as well.

Are you sure that she is healthy? Has she seen a geriatrician since she has been here? The doc could perform tests to see if her cognition is normal. Some of the things you describe could be dementia symptoms.
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My mom can not travel alone, I was with her when she came here all the trip. She does not know any language except hers and she forgets things after you tell her few seconds later. In addition there is no one there left from our relatives and I tried with hired caregiver there already 4 years long and she kicked all out after the first day they went there. She is more like : Its my way or no way. What I mean is she is fit and not sick, but can not handle alone a household anymore. Thank you for your answer.
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You've said that your mom is fit and not sick and can do things for herself...you've gotten a taste of what life is like with her in your home. Give her the money she's asking for, tell her to take her house off the market, and send her back to Europe. You say she came from Europe...did she come alone then? If so, then she can go back alone. If someone helped her get here, they can help her when she gets back, too, and you can be there to help her get on the plane. Unless you want life to continue the way it is, and believe me, it'll just get worse, agree with your mom and let her go where she wants to, and get her out of your house. Is there someone she could stay with in Europe if she still wants to sell the house? If so, that would be good. Then when the house sells, they can help her find a much smaller place that's much easier to manage, and maybe get her some hired help a few times a week over there..
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