My mom is 93y old now. About 2 years ago she started to tell me that she can not take care about all the house she was living in saying its to big, to much to do and was asking me to bring her to live with me. There are now 5 month she is here moving from Europe to the US. From the nice person she was its nothing left over. She is so far fit, no ill, she could do some small things in the house here, but she is refusing. She is not even willing to make a tea for herself. I am cooking food that she likes, but if it is not served on her plate she is not eating. I showed her several times how to warm the food up in the microwave, but of course she is refusing saying that she does not touch anything in a strangers house. Also, no matter what I am saying she starts yelling and screaming at me all day long. Now she wants to go back to Europe, she wants to travel there all alone and live in an empty house that is on the market for sale, and is yelling at me asking for money.
This yelling and arguing has to stop, I am stressed and frustrated and can not focus anymore on my job which is pretty demanding. I need some help or advise. Thank you.
I think it can be frustrating trying to find out where we can get the assistance we need.
it sounds like she was never a saint. And you do need to set limits on her - insist that she treat you with respect and help out around the house. But if you can see her as a scared helpless old lady using a sharp tongue to hide behind, maybe you can have sweet loving feelings for her sometimes. Caregiving is so much easier when you are feeling love.
Don't blame yourself when she provokes you and you are angry with her. Give yourself credit every time you can call on your loving side. You will find SOME help, so you won't have to do it 100% on your own. Good luck and God bless you.
I'm glad your mom is acting better...I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it holds. It sounds like a little bit of "tough love" from you right now helps...but that may change over time. Good luck and keep us posted...
Three days ago she got me really mad and I old her if she will continue being so stubborn, refusing everything and yelling I will send her in a nursing home. Yayyy me it worked !!! She changed to the nice person she was in a certain amount. Now lets see how long that will hold.
she did set up the table for us to eat, cleared it too after that ad put all the dishes in the dishwasher. She can do it !!!
I never ask to do heavy housework from her, I do it myself or call a maid if its too heavy for me too.
Yesterday she acted more or less normal. We were talking about my grandparents. She realized she cannot even remember anymore when they were born, and confused the WWII events with the once from the 1989 Revolution in Romania.
I am just curious how long this peace will hold, would be nice but I do not think it will be too long.
I tried to enroll her in this Obamacare the other day. Damn, I thought its is for everybody who has no insurance. I was wrong. they do at the registration credit check with Experian, and if its not verified the system is kicking you complete out. I did this b/c she has absolute no insurance, all the companies refused to insure her being too old and medicare/medicade told me she is not enough long in the US and declined too. Well, I will deal with that too alone, no other choise.
Perhaps you address Mom's attitude that she can do nothing "in a stranger's house." You are certainly not a stranger, and it is her home now, too. So, she can make herself a cup of tea, or do without tea, for example. Make sure that she really can make a cup of tea. She may be trying to cover up her deteriorating abilities by claiming there is some other reason she won't. But if she can, she should.
She can heat something in the microwave, or eat it cold, or skip it. Her choice. BUT be sure she really can learn to use the microwave. If she has beginning dementia then I'm sure you wouldn't want to demand more than she can really do.
Do you work from home, or leave the house each day? How does she get along when you are not there?
You really need to protect your ability to do your demanding job. You both depend on that income!
For example, I worked with a woman who's dad was from the Ukraine. He made many friends through the church he attended. My co-worker found him a caregiver who spoke his native language, so he had someone else to talk to. He'd attend church every day and they knew him and he was part of that community.
I have no idea if that would work for your mom, but maybe try to find some help who speak her language, so she's not so lonely and isolated from her language and customs. And it does sound like dementia, which will be very difficult for both of you, as the language barrier will make things more difficult.
Unless you are in an ethnic area where she can communicate, if she does not speak English she will be 100 % dependent on you for everything. Ready for that?
Se misses get lifestyle, at her age it is hard to create new habits, her nostalgia wil worsen.
I assume she has an income, perhaps a pension, or that you can take responsibility for her health care. Health care and NH can be very expensive. I ope you have her residency papers in order.
What is health care and elder services like in her country?
If she is fit and well so far she may be better of back home in a smaller house.
Adjusting to new culture and country is difficult at an advanced age. This will make it very stressful for you as we'll.
I would strongly consider helping her back home and making elder arrangements there.
I am sitting here trying to figure out things that might work. Everything I think of hits a block, because of the language barrier. Aging and dementia is challenging enough when things are in one language. I can't imagine working through it when there are two languages. Do you have a doctor who is fluent in your mother's language? I have a feeling you need to look to building a strong team to help you deal with what's ahead.
Please try to discourage her from returning home. Maybe let her know how much you need her or want her with you. That way she will be doing you a service to stay. If she has dementia and you were to send her home, I have a feeling you would be getting her again soon unless she has family in Europe.
Chances are she is still disoriented, since she is older and may have dementia. I have my fingers crossed she'll get some better as she adapts. But putting together that team that speaks her language still sounds like a good idea.
About your mother's behavior, I have no experience with dementia, but I don't take any guff off my 92 year old Dad, who has parkinsons. You need me, I don't need you is my attitude, treat me with respect or i am gone. Can you stop jumping through hoops to try and please her, and allow her to find her own way.
You could see a therapist to help you through this tough time. I see mine once a month. His input is invaluable, I couldn't make it without him.
Are you sure that she is healthy? Has she seen a geriatrician since she has been here? The doc could perform tests to see if her cognition is normal. Some of the things you describe could be dementia symptoms.