I chose to step in and assist my mother with relocating to a safe environment. She has dementia and is not able to manage meals or medication or bathing. I am an only child. After she was sent to the hospital by a friend checking in on her, I found her to be in a filthy living environment, unable to make meals, do laundry, get to a bathroom on her own, etc. I am managing her finances and trying to make them last. She has about enough to last for two years before needing to apply for Medicaid. She was abusive and neglectful as a parent and we have been estranged for many, many years. She is still verbally abusive and manipulative even in dementia. She makes poor decisions for herself. I moved her closer to my home, in another state, for several reasons, one being more affordable assisted living with step up care. I will not allow this woman to live with me. My plan was to manage her resources as best as possible and then apply for Medicaid on her behalf. She’s 87 and in poor health, but I can’t predict how long she may live. However, I am not sure I can go on much longer emotionally. The abuse I experienced as a child still causes me pain. It’s taking a toll on me and my family to deal with her despite knowing I am making sound decisions for her and “doing the right thing.” I am wondering if I can at some point request a state guardian and what, if any, my “filial” responsibilities would be?
never be caregivers for their parents, I wanted to share my own experience with caring for parents and my coming from a history of childhood abuse. First let me say that all survivors of childhood abuse: physical, sexual and emotional must absolutely get therapy and support and know that it can be a lifetime effort to peel back all the levels of damage childhood abuse does. My parents divorced when I was around 11. I ended up being POA for both and helped them through to the end. I ended up caring for my biological father (pedophile, and violent). I decided to help him after he burned so many bridges that he was left alone, he was out of money except social security. He had money at one time but he gambled it away throughout his life and his ex-wife stole the rest. He was incontinent with his bowels and was a chain smoker, he had a little dog who wasn’t house trained and never went outside. My dad was not a drinker or a drug addict, thank God but he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive throughout most of his life and he was a pedophile. The whole story is too long to tell here but I just wanted to say that while it was really, really hard I decided to help him at the end in order to help myself in the healing process. He had dementia, could not take care of himself, his dog or his finances. He was no longer sexually active but was really verbally abusive and he was still a creep in many ways. I was still afraid of him. He called me names. Told me I was a worthless piece of ****, to get out, to leave him alone and all sorts of other things. I was still in therapy and went to a caregiver support group during the process. It was hard, it was in many ways really, really terrible but again, I felt I needed to do it to heal myself somehow. What led me to that decision was that I believe that many people have secrets and that many people have done terrible things that we’ll never know about and that if he was a neighbor of mine or a coworker and lived alone with no one to help him, would I help him not knowing of his past? ...and I realized that I probably would...so I decided to help him as if I was helping a neighbor that I knew nothing of their history. It wasn’t easy at all but I’m glad I did. I just focused on helping and with my husbands support I helped him through to the very end. Many years later I also ended up helping my mom as well. She suffered with guilt from the events of our childhood but she also had some denial which made me angry but she did a lot of self-reflective work throughout the rest of her life so we were able to talk about some of it and never spoke of the rest of it. I was with her almost every day and helped her until she passed. I loved my mom so very much and we were very close although I was very angry with her throughout various periods of my life as well. I have just spent the past 9 months cleaning out my childhood home of 60 years and the place where all the bad things happened. I can’t explain it but it has all helped me heal. I’ve gone through all the emotions: anger resentment, relief, grief, upset, you name it-still I'm glad I did it. Its not for everyone but it worked for me. I’m not a saint and I’m not into self abuse thats for sure, but I was lost in victimhood and crazy anger and this seemed like a way out. I cried a lot, I cussed a lot but I was also compelled to do it. I had the “I know what you did” conversation with both of them at different times. I never got full on apologies and although I thought I really wanted full throated apologies, in all honesty and in retrospect I don’t think I ultimately needed them, I just needed to speak my truth and then to finish the relationships and to help them as much as I could and somehow it has all ended up helping me.
My childhood story is one of loving but flawed parents. Yes, there was some abuse but not anywhere near what you survived.
I do relate. I feel that, for me, seeing them through will bring real closure and a level of healing I could not otherwise achieve.
You are a remarkable human being. Enjoy as much peace and contentment as you can for the rest of your life.
Some states dump responsibility on the kids--some don't. An atty could help you through the stages of having your mom declared a ward of the state--or whatever they call it when you're am adult.
Your first responsibility is to YOURSELF. You cannot care for mom and a family and hope in your case, for it to be pleasant and great.
My mother was neglectful and allowed severe abuse to be heaped upon me by an older brother. She did NOTHING to stop it---and I am still healing from it. It does make it VERY hard for me to care for her. She acts like it was 'no big deal' but it affected me all my life.
You have done all you NEED to do. Consult a lawyer, basically, 'divorce' your mom and go on with your life.
As for the guilt you may feel about stepping away? MY therapist said to me, many times, "Would you allow a complete stranger to treat you this way? Of course not. Take the power back. Be kind (always a good idea) but walk away and create a relationship that has tight boundaries--or simply walk away.
The state cannot force you to care for your mother. (at least, my state can't).
Is there a social worker at your mom's AL that you could consult with on this issue? S/he may have some insight into how you go about doing this. Do you have POA? If you don't, someone will need to get guardianship eventually, so you are wise to prepare.
I don't know if you have the resources to use your mother's money to consult with an Eldercare attorney in your jurisdiction. That would be another good source of information.
You are so wise not to allow your mother to live with you; folks who were abused as children should NEVER attempt to be hand's on caregivers. It sounds as though your mother has struggled with mental illness all of her life. My hat is off to you for not simply walking away.
bless your heart. I know how you feel. I Flew across the country and moved my abusive Mother (50 yrs) into a beautiful AL and she has no appreciation for it. she only complains and calls every single day saying” I can’t stay here”. She only has SS and lives month to month with no extra after AL bill monthly.
I was getting calls from Adult Protective Services deemed unsafe for her to live alone.
She was going to be placed in a Medicaid bed in aNH and transferred to a group home. She would loose all SS and pension and could never get it back. I felt so badly I made the stressful move in Jan just before Covid lockdowns.
Has no appreciation and does not believe she would ever be sent to NH across the country.
she is demanding, ungrateful, racist, and narcissistic. I am only child left (oldest) lost 2 brothers who died at 18 and 39. My father died at 39 from MS complications.
My sister is sick with MS and estranged from my mother for past 10 yrs.
Therapy and low dose anti anxiety meds have helped me.
i try hard to do fun things with my own family and children, read a ton to keep my mind occupied and lean on girlfriends for support.
Best Of luck To you!
Take care.
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