What next? Think I have lost my dad, and feel full of guilt.

Your dad is right where he needs to be, and after the nursing home does an assessment on him to determine the level of care he needs, hopefully that will make you feel better. Keep in mind that although your dad now has Lewy Body dementia, the fact that he had to have surgery on his broken hip has probably contributed to his mental decline even more, as anesthesia is known to make mental confusion even worse. In some cases it will improve and in some it does not. His Dr. should have shared that with you.
Lewy Bodies is a fairly aggressive dementia, and it might help you if you do your research on it, so you can better understand what your dad is going through. Things with your dad will only continue to get worse, so just try and be there for him, and let him know that you're by his side and will be his advocate to make sure he gets the best care possible.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. What you are actually feeling is grief. You are grieving the dad you once knew and is no longer. That's hard. So be gentle on yourself, and allow yourself to grieve, as that will help you get through this journey that you're on with your dad. Praying for God's peace to be with you.

1. if you are religious --this is the time to turn to God, asking for comfort and peace...for your father and you.
2. Ask yourself if your are really being cruel. How does un-cruel look? Did you ask for him to have Lewy syndrom? Did you push him to fall? No, No, No.
3. it sounds like you are worried about his care at a nursing home. Everyone is. But the good thing is that you can have some peace at night --and get a good night's sleep.
4. your dear Dad is slipping out of this world already. His mental state is leaving, his medical issues are complicating even a simple life. His good behavior is failing him.
5. Yes, you are going mad in your own way. This is not good. You need some self-care to get strong. You REALLY need to start focusing on the GOOD things in life and in your memories with your Dad.

I am so very sorry. I don't know what you can do;I hope others have something to give you in that regard. My brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia some three years ago at age 83. He had me take over as Trustee of Trust and POA and he eliminated his small last home and moved to ALF.He and I often spoke of what faced him; he expressed the wish that he would die before it happened, and he did. He got a cellulitis that went septic and was dead of it in weeks. I will be so honest to tell you that it was a relief for me not to be afraid of what was coming for him, what was coming for us both. I feel very glad for him and very lucky that we did not have to go into that darkness. I hope there is some support for you.
I will tell you that his being in care in ALF helped him enormously and Lewy's is something that can get better and worse intermittantly (which makes it somewhat unique in the dementias) so don't give up all hope.
Of course you are not experiencing guilt unless you are an evil doer that caused this for your Dad. You are experiencing the other G word which is grief. The correct word truly DOES matter. I so wish you the best.

I'm so sorry. My dad only had mild dementia when he went into the hospital where he was for 6 weeks, and left with severe dementia and sent to memory care... where he is dementia has gotten worse and his walking ability has gotten non existent. I feel very good about the place or else I would install cameras (which I had when he was briefly at an assisted living place). I luckily live very close and can see him every day but it is super hard as he really can't make sense communicating anymore. So I get it. I seriously saw him get briefly better after the hospital but it didn't last at all. Now he's falling every few days but hasn't ever been hurt (yet). I understand feeling guilty but it's not your fault nor mine.. and you can't fix anything except to take care of business and make sure he's taken care of and comfortable. I've only just accepted that. I feel alone as well as he and I were very close. At this point I hope he doesn't last long but besides his mind the rest of him seems physically stable. I think we both have to steel ourselves to this being a long process.

Hi, to everyone that took the time to answer my post about dad and his discharge to NH. Your kind words and advice are much appreciated and invaluable. When at my darkness , the responses on here help put perspective and some clarity to the mental torture that is the journey of caring for someone you love that morphing into a stranger due to age and illness and the dreaded dementia. Please take comfort that we are supporting each other.

Dad is in the NH, I have visited but he slept. I will take heed of what is said and try to stop beating myself up with pity and remorse. I will continue to be his advocate and daughter but also remember my husband and children who need me too . Thank you all xx

If he gets transferred to a nursing home, try to be there when they load him in the ambulance and meet the ambulance at the nursing home when they arrive. That'll help him know you haven't abandoned him.

The others are right, too -- anesthesia messes with someone's head something awful. (It took me a full month to feel normal after surgery when I was 45.) Add to it the trauma of being in an unfamiliar setting like a hospital, and it's totally understandable that he'd be pretty messed up.

Just know that he may improve after a while, but it'll be a long while (months at least), and it's unlikely he'll get back to where he was before all this happened. When older folks with dementia-related illnesses have a traumatic experience like surgery, a hospital stay, or an emotional trauma like the loss of a spouse, they tend to take a big step down cognitively. My mother's had dementia for seven years, and while she's been declining bit-by-bit all along, my dad's death, the move to a nursing home (twice), a few trips to the hospital that lasted anywhere from four hours to two weeks, and a bout of COVID have all resulted in deep dives cognitively from which she has plateaued but never recovered.

That's why after her last hospital experience (the two-week one) I said, "we're done," and I put her on hospice care. Anything medical that crops up will be handled at her nursing home as best as possible, but we are not going to the hospital again. Her quality of life is about gone at this point, and she could go any time -- or not, because she's feisty on her good days.

I am so very sorry. Parkinson’s disease is brutal and sadly your father has dementia on top of it.

My mom recently died with end stage Parkinson’s disease in a hospice house. There is no way that she could have remained at home. The care simply becomes too much for family members to care for them.

Does it break our heart if we have been caring for them? YES! Of course, it does. But let me share something with you that may help.

Like you, I cared for my mom with Parkinson’s disease (15 years in my home), then my brother stepped in for about 14 months and mom was at his home with he and his wife.

Mom absolutely hated being a burden on us. Yet, because we felt that we should care for her, she wasn’t sure how to feel. I seriously believe that when adult children are caring for a parent in their homes, an unnatural codependent relationship develops. At least that’s what I saw in my relationship and my brother’s relationship with my mom. It’s not always best for the children to care for a parent in their home.

Anyway, mom prayed night and day for a viable solution to remove the burden from her family. Those prayers were answered in the way of an incredible hospice house that provided excellent care for her.

Do I miss my mom? Yes, I do. I take comfort knowing that she is at peace, and is no longer suffering and reunited with my father and brother.

I truly believe with all of my heart that your dad doesn’t want you to grieve over this situation, even if he can’t express that to you now. He would never want you to feel responsible for this.

You did the very best that you could for your dad. God knows that we are not responsible for every incident that goes horribly wrong. Please don’t blame yourself. There is nothing to forgive here. You’re hurting for your dad, which is totally understandable but in no possible way should you be held accountable.

A facility is the best place for your dad. They will oversee his care 24/7.

Wishing you peace during this terribly difficult time in your life.

First of all, drop the guilt. Its more likely anticipatory grief. Youve done nothing to feel guilty for. You did not cause your dads illnesses.
second, i hope you are taking care of yourself too. Quit propping your dad up, or he will always say he can live by himself. Talk to someone maybe a social worker, about having a needs assessment done. I send healing blessings to you and your dad.

I am so sorry, i just lost my dad, i put him in a nursing home because he wasnt there anymore because of strokes, he didnt last a month, i feel like i killed him with a nursing home, i am in the usa, and if you cant talk or say whats going on and have alot of anxiety or behavioral prob. At all, they treat you like crap they dope them up so they will shut up and be still so they wont have to figure out whats wrong or do anything, my suggestion is put in a camera immediately, i did put one in but by the time i did it was to late, if they know you are watching they are more apt to take better care of him. Good luck and God bless. My heart goes out to you.

First take care of yourself and understand that you didn't cause any of this and would have no way to prevent it.

Next, give it some time. After he's transferred to the NH, let them do the assessment. As others noted, hospital and anesthesia delirium is common in elders, even in those who didn't have any signs of dementia. If he already was on the dementia journey, this would make it worse. Some do recover partially or even fully, going back to the level they were at before or perhaps a bit diminished. Seven weeks is a long time to be in an unfamiliar place - moves and being in unfamiliar situations takes a toll on those with dementia.

Let him get settled in. Provide comfort as best you can when visiting. Decorate his room with mementos and trimmings from home - those that might spark some memory for him. Hope for improvement, once he has settled in. He might not get back to his previous levels, so the best you can do is be there for him when you can.