Mom is still living, and I am doing some pre-planning of burial. Before she started getting really confused, she stated that she wants to be buried next to her first husband. I've checked with the cemetery, and she paid for that plot in the 1970s. What name should be on her headstone? Let's pretend her maiden name is Carson, her first husband Jones, and her second husband Smith. Would her stone read Mary Carson Jones since she is buried next to Mr. Jones? Or should it be Mary Jones Smith?
I have her second husband's ashes in an urn. I want to bury the urn in a private Smith cemetery next to his parents (if I can find someone to contact about that property). When he died, my mother already had dementia (so did he), and she got upset when I talked about burying his ashes, and she wouldn't answer questions about buying his headstone. So I thought I would have his cremains interred after she dies. He died during covid 2020 when no one was having funerals. He had no other dependents and no will, no papers about the Smith cemetery.
For the grave, it has the last name of her first husband on top of the tombstone and on her side of it, her first and middle name are listed. She died 5 years ago and her husband died in the early 70s.
Hope this helps.
Also, she and her 1st husband are in the same cemetery her 2nd husband is buried in. On his tombstone, it lists the neighbor with her first and second married name.
Mary Carson-Jones-Smith is one option.
would cover all bases. I guess if you wanted to you could have the dates of the marriages engraved under each of the names.
But you know your mom. You know the circumstances of each marriage and you know how she feels about each.
Obviously there is a reason she got upset when talking about burying her second husbands ashes.
There is a reason she purchased a plot next to her first (did she buy the plot when her first husband died? And did the marriage end due to his death or a divorce?) It might be as simple as the first was her first love.
I guess what I am saying is....
There is no right way, there is no wrong way.
Anyone visiting her gravesite will know the history behind the headstone.
And sad to say after a while no one visits and anyone looking for history will be looking on Ancestry.
I suppose some people looking will also visit Find a Grave (great site by the way)
Traditionally, if your mom is being buried next to her first husband, the headstone often reflects the name she used during that marriage (in your example, Mary Carson Jones). Some families also choose to include both married names to reflect her full life — something like Mary Carson Jones Smith — especially if she lived a long portion of her life with her second husband’s name.
Sometimes the best solution is to add a line underneath with both names, like:
Mary Carson
Beloved Wife of Jones and Smith
That way, you’re honoring her role in both marriages without leaving anyone out.
As for your stepdad’s ashes, it makes sense to wait until you can arrange for the Smith cemetery. If it’s private land, a local county clerk’s office or township office might help you track down who manages that property.
It sounds like you’re putting so much care into doing this the right way, and your mom and both husbands are lucky to have someone making sure their memories are preserved with love.