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Tekka Mae thats why I scream in the garage - screaming at someone who has dementia or who is vulnerable is abuse and a prisonable offence both here in UK and in USA - screaming at a garage wall however is not - simples!
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I love all your answers and stories.
The last time I screamed at my dad was something along the lines that "I wish SOMEONE would listen to me!" (Even before his dementia got bad, he thought his opinion was the only correct one.) But I scared my dog so badly that he never wanted to go into Dad's house with me...I had to clean up my act so my DOG would trust me again. I never screamed at Dad again, and I'm not one to go scream in the garage or the car, so that was it. I must say that "let it go" is a good mantra for me, but Dad NEVER would have been taken in to any of his children's homes...he lived alone with three visits daily from us, until we could trick him into the Memory Care home, so I was not dealing with what so many of you are dealing with.
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Oh I know the tissued tumbledryer so so well CM why is that they have an obsession with the damned things? I have banned them and now mum has a hanky which she promplty used to wipe her soiled bottom - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
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Cindy, what about foreign currency? There probably are rules about it but just don't check and then you won't know. I don't see how she could be suspected of money laundering (though you might be - literally!).

I feel for you on the Kleenex. I once overheard my sister referring to me as "the tissue Nazi" but then she wasn't the one who had to cope with hygiene or pick bits out of the tumble dryer.
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My sister peg, a geriatric nurse by profession, does none of the work associated with having Dad at home. She visits for ten minutes once a month, and feels she has done her duty. Last weekend Dad, who is suffering hallucinations and delusions, was up every hour on the hour. When i realized one of the medicines was causing it, he calmed down. After four days of no sleep, I asked my sister Helen to come Monday and Tuesday to let me sleep. Peg showed up, and helped for 4 hours, I didn't get the relief, Helen did. That night with everyone gone, my Dad starts on me, Peg is so wonderful, why don't i treat her better. I snapped. We had a knock down drag out fight. I slammed the door and went upstairs. My poor Dad thought I was leaving him. I heard pitiful moans, when I ran down to investigate, Dad had soiled himself. I told him that leaving was off the table, I am just mad at you, as long as you know what is happening to you, you will be at home, I promise. Dad said he loves both of us, that Peg was is child, but I do so much for him. I melted and instantly forgave him. We got cleaned up, and had ice cream.

The screaming came that night reflecting on that b--tch Peg. It's not enough she won't do anything, she must make me appear the villain. So selfish, so lazy, I don't have a problem with mean people, but mean people disguised as nice people sends me screaming into the night. After much reflection, I decided to forgive Peg, before I had a heart attack, this anger only hurts me and Dad. Somehow when I pity you, you no longer seem worth any other emotion. Pray for me, I am in for a rough ride, as Dad's Parkinson's goes into stage 5.
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Poop-related incidents sometimes push me to the edge, particularly when Mommy Dearest deliberately is being difficult.

Back to your case, it's no wonder you need to scream. Your mother is seriously manipulative and abusive and you seem to feel helpless in the circumstances. Not true, but I know the feeling.

And perhaps the real truth is that you need to arrange for someone to look after your mother so you can go out. If money is an issue, find a family member, friend, neighbor, agency, charity, church or SOMETHING to provide regular respite.

And don't let your mother bully you out of doing this or whatever else you know is right. God bless.
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Oh bless you Cindy In UK bungalows (one storey I think to you in the States) are much more expensive than houses and quite hard to find a decent one so fingers crossed that the good lord sends us one or I win the lottery!
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Yup, will do, Jude. She's still in good physical shape so that I can be in another room or even in the yard for a bit to get things done and get a breather from her. We've been in a 1 storey; the place we will be in has a basement plus steps to get in and out (cottage built in 1898). My big freezer will be used to block the basement steps (don't need to get down there, washer and dryer on the first floor), and kiddie cover things will go on the outside doors, which have worked well so far. The layout of the new place is way different, however, so I expect her to get lost frequently but heck, she can't find the toilet when she's 2 feet away from it now anyway. Should be exciting for us both, ha-ha.
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Cindy now play nice we are going to have to move into a 1 storey before much longer and I am dreading it...just reading between the lines I can see it is going to be a horror story from start to finish
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Well I dont know how close you are to a photocopier but that might do the trick (albeit probably illegal!) or monopoly money - would she know the difference? Oh god My mother is like that once she is focused on something its months before we (like there is a we... I mean I of course) can get them off her. I currently have lost her favourite hairbrush did I know its red? its the smal one? you know the one I mean - Yes mum I know the one you mean but I think you lost it in hospital. Well could you go and find it? Well no Mum a) because it will have been thrown out and b) it would be cheaper for me to buy a new one. but it wont be the red one will it ? No Mum it wont be - garage moment AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
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Just had one, actually, at 6 a.m. Not quite screaming but almost, but this is my fault, and I had it coming. I've let mom carry small amounts of cash in a billfold in her purse (which she won't put down, carries the purse around day and night, hides it, can't find it, a constant nuisance to me). She drops the bills constantly, which I pick up (like her Kleenex, which I pick up constantly and had tried to substitute small hankies to no avail). This morning, sure enough, there were bills in the toilet which she had urinated on (thank God it wasn't the other). I fished them out, but yes, this is it and not sure what to substitute in the purse. Of course, I took any and all cards away long ago, and the ones my sister gave her, mom discarded. Before this, it was lipstick, before that, her cheap earrings and other jewelry which she would not remove that caused her to break out (for which I caught it from her doctor). I've had to be the bad guy who takes things away from her all along. I substituted chapstick for the lipstick, but she digs that out of the tubes and rubs it into her arms so they don't last long. Today maybe we check out a dollar store thoroughly and I pick up a few gee-gaws. My sister had given her some fake bills which she lost, unfortunately. Monopoly money doesn't work. Maybe some keys, but she usually throws them out (while complaining she can't find her house key, go figure). I doubt a fanny pack will work. Plus of course every night, it's "when are you taking me home?" which can be repeated many times before I get her to bed. (How long, oh Lord, how long?) Upcoming is my having to close on my house and the one we will be moving to. I will have to place her in a daycare for a few hours since I can't find somebody to keep an eye on her that day (most of my relatives will be working). I've learned the hard way that I'd better not mention this but the aftermath will make for a lousy day for both of us, I'm sure.
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I DID GO OUT vstefans and she was fine about it when we came back my daughter said sorry we were late because of the traffic blah blah lie lie - of course I paid for it big time after daughter went home but you know what? I am going again next week too! For a facial! I have never had a facial ever. She wont have strangers in the house and the church folk will only come for 30 minutes so that's out but she was safe. I put her on the bed with a cup of tea on the traytable next to her and 4 bottles of cold drink, a tin of biscuits and a chunk of home made coffee and walnut cake and a glass of water, she had her careline necklace round her neck, the walker was next to her bed, I left her 2 painkillers in case she needed them, I placed the commode next to the bed on a plastic sheet and I put the cleaning trolley next to that complete with toilet paper, wet wipes, gloves, pads, pants and a wet flannel and a dry towel (just in case). I think I about covered every eventuality!!!!
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PS I hope you got out!

Would she ever do OK with a sitter?
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OK, she's scared to be alone and does not have enough empathy left to understand you have to get away on occasion - but surely, she has to run out of poop at some point!!
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You go, Jude! LOL
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Love it Susan. When my father was dying with inly days to live and it was very apparent I took one of those darned 'survey' calls from someone. They wanted to talk to my Mum who really wasnt in the right place to deal with that type of call. I was polite and said could you tell me what it is about my mother really isnt able to come to the phone unless it is urgent. She muttered something and repeated her request to speak with my Mum. I started to be annoyed (actually my temper was starting to brew like squeezing a spot) and the woman just had to lance it. I explained that my father was dying in hospital and that Mum was only taking urgent calls and mentally counted to 10 expecting (that was the really dumb thing) that the woman would say I am so sorry i interrupted you at this time....did she? Nope she said why cant she speak to me if hes in hospital it will only take 10 minutes? The spot burst - I exploded but managed to keep my cool. Iasked to speak to a senior manager. She put me through because I think she knew I was going to explode if not. He took the same damned line at which point I asked if this was being recorded - yes he said.....silly man. I really gave it some serious energy in verbal abuse, then i wrote a very nasty letter to the company chairman. i got a hundred pounds in a cheque and a huge bouquet of flowers and an assertion they would never call again which to be afir they didnt ..better that than let them continually get away with their attitude
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Right at the moment, I don't have too many "screaming points" with Mom. Still too traumatized from her recent fall and whatever she has going on that could take her from me to be irritable with her, I guess. And she's so pitiful now - keeps crying and saying, "I'm so sorry I made a mess in the bathroom. I'm sorry I'm such a pain. Thank God you're here. Thank you for taking such good care of me!" How can you get irritable with that??

I do, however, want to scream bloody murder whenever a door-to-door salesman comes up on the deck, directly to the door, and never even looks at the "no soliciting" sign, and knocks on the door. I mean, this sign covers it ALL - "No Soliciting. If you don't have an appointment or we don't know you, DO NOT disturb us! -No Charities - No Food or Menus - No House Estimates - No Petitions - No Political Causes - No Religious Appeals - No Salesmen. We don't disturb your work...please don't disturb ours!"

You'd think that would cover it....but nooooo...they come knocking anyway. Today's door-to-door peddler was a special brand of stupid...stood right there while my 90-lb aggressive dog snarled and slobbered and leaped at the door - and he just stood there staring at the dog and waiting for me to come to the door.

I have actually walked out after a local church left a flyer on my door and handed it back to them and told them I don't want them leaving flyers on my door, and referred to the sign on the door. They went down the street to leave more flyers for the neighbors and actually CAME BACK to the door, read the sign and knocked on the door to apologize - which irritated me further. Apology not necessary, and definitely not necessary to come back a second time to knock on the door, disturbing me yet again.

I saw a humorous sign that I love, but it probably wouldn't work:

No Soliciting!
We love our vacuum cleaner
We've found Jesus
We don't need a new roof, driveway or siding
We don't want to buy any meat
We don't vote
...Seriously, if you're not selling Thin Mints....GO AWAY!
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My dad was the most beautiful man imaginable not in looks although he cut a dash as a young man. But inside his heart was solid gold - however he too shared my annoyance at disturbances on a weekend morning. I remember once he invited said people in all three very clean cut young men. he offered them tea which they of course refused. then he offered them coffee - repeat refusal then gawd love him he offered them a glass of whisky they obviously refused a third time. Then my father uttered these priceless words:

Truly I tell you, this very day before we are truly awake you have entered my home and denied my offer of hospitality 3 times therefore young gents you are not welcome in my home. This parody of the gospels hit its mark full square and they left - my father closed the door waited till he was sure they had gone and roared with laughter. I asked him how he knew that particular verse....Oh I cant forget that I got the cane for not knowing it off by heart ....TWICE! .

God bless him he is one of the angels we meet from time to time - very very very special
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Hahaha.. Jude,.I like the way you handle the pests that call or come to the door! Another one I like is when they call and first ask how I am, I tell them " I am awful....I have just found out from my doctor that I have attention deficit disorder!" Then I proceed to ask them over and over and over WHO are you? They go into their sales pitch and I ask them Who are you???? What do you want? over and over. I put the phone down when they go on and on. They get so exasperated they hang up.
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We have a No Cold Callers sign on our door which means they can't just knoockon your door. Now I apologise if any of you are of the faith taht knocks on my door on Sunday morning about 8:30 am but I really cant abide this disturbance and it really ratles my cage. I have now resorted to a say and method of discussion. I say hello and ask them if they are literate. they always say yes (one day of course they will say no and I will be royally screwed) Then comes to the do part - I point to the sign and say read that and close the door.
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Oh Kate you're doing it all wrong! I take one of two tacks with telemarketers depending on my mood. If they think I am my mother and especially if their first language is not the same as mine I say no you need to speak to my mum and I pass her the phone having turned it on so I can hear both sides of the convo - you have to understand that this is pure entertainment for my benefit....the conversation usually goes like this....
Hello
Good morning is that Mrs XXXX
Hello?
Good morning is that Mrs XXXX
Hello?
Mrs XXXX my name is YYYYY and I am calling from ZZZZZ
Hello?
Hello Mrs XXXXX
What do you want?
My name is YYYYY and I am calling from ZZZZZ I just want to ask you a few questions
Hello?
Usually by this time I am falling on the floor in giggles - the phone calls dont last long

Failing that I do something even worse I suppose. Inmy best stoopid is as stoopid does voice I say
Allo?
Then when they have introduced their garbage I say
Ooooooooooooooh I dont think I can get them to come to the phone its very noisy in their bedroom ducky - them havin sexgames an all - Im just the maid.
Phone is hung up on me - Oh yes another win
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I have only screamed in the car once while I was alone to let it out... and that is because the whole thing got to be too much. What I got angry at was the awful nursing home of last summer and the whole situation, stupid doctors not understanding UTI's etc. I let out a scream and felt better. It is also the other things that go on and not actually my Mom directly that finally drive me to the edge.any frivoulous stupid behavior by others in addition to what I am dealing with often really makes me want to yell. I do worry about the occasional poor telemarketer that reaches my phone...By the time I am done dressing them down they are befuddled and stammering and wishing they never would have called me.
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ff that made me huckle, the light is green dear, I said the light is green , green green the light is green. GO FO GODS SAKE ITS GREEN ...NO NO STOP ITS RED REDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ((BANG))
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That is how I get my exercise, by running screaming into the night.

I don't know how you all do it having an elder under your same roof, I wouldn't have the strength or patience... what drives me to scream is Dad [93] saying he will start driving again... he is physically unable to drive but not long ago he said he will have Mom [97] drive... well, Dad, Mom is legally blind so how will that work?... Dad said will tell her when the light is red or when to turn right.... but, Dad, Mom has lost most of her hearing... oh.... [sigh]
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Captain, the loudest roar of anger I've ever heard in my life came when a trainee in my upholsterer friend's shop was caught using a wood chisel as a screwdriver. Not clever, okay, but no need to leave the poor girl deaf for a week, surely?

Do a Mr Miaggi - how do you spell that? - on your trainee and hold her hand until she gets it right. When she sees that doing it properly actually works better she'll soon shape up.
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i almost have to laugh ( but in a loving and kindhearted way ) . you women are finding women to be gam - ey , unsavory , and a pain in the a**.
i had my dose of it today too . pour my heart out trying to make a professional grade painter out of my female helper . turn my back for one minute to do some dirtwork and d*mn if she isnt in the new house defying every technique ive ever shown her . when i question her she snaps back " i got it " . no she dont . her work looks like sh*t and ill fire her a**, paint and stone the house by meine d*mm self if that sob ever tries to buck my instructions again .
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I hate the 'I'm sorry to be such a burden to you' when she can't get her own way. She doesn't hate it at all she wallows in self pity and always has done. it used to be I thought you loved your mummy when I was a kid with mock crying....I didnt know that at 4 how could I ... so I used to try to please her. Over the years its worn thin and obviously other efforts have been made to make me feel guilty. Yup it's the guilt trip that drives me screaming pitch and believe me she can twist like a snake when it looks as though all her efforts have failed.
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The whining goes up one side of me to the other.. I have to walk away and swear like a truck driver.. Then I come back and tell Mom I don't understand whining!
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CM hello you glad to see youre still with us xxxx I dont get any weekly respite but I do get 6 weeks a year which i imagine is about the same bearing in mind that friday to sunday 1.30 pm Friday to same on Sunday is counted as 3 days hmmm grrr lets not go there. Mum wont have a carer in the house and trust me it isnt worth the aggro. I tried that once and once only she was murderous for days afterwards and I was murderous for days after that!!!!!!!

I was deliberately 10 minutes late back today and my daughter went in before me and said sorry nan the traffic was awful. Oh thats alright says me mother I didnt expect you back so soon. My daughter hadnt been out fo the door 5 minutes before she started. Nothing nasty or spiteful but calling me into her room 6 times in an hour to ask me to pick up something she had quite clearly thrown. I did just as she asked never said a word - the neighbours think I have been murdered though I went into the garage and screamed. Bless him the lovely Polish guy from next door came round and said are you all right? When I explaine he just grinned and said you go ahead my dear neighbour awwww.

Mum hasnt soiled again tonight and I think she is regretting this morning because I had to clean her very very throughly and now she is sore.....more than one way to skin a rabbit!!!! xxx hows it going CM? stopped mooching yet? You need to write a list of things you MUST do, and a list of things you ought to do, plus one of your would like to do.Get the must dos out of the way first and then have a moemnt to yourself. Go for a walk and feel the wind in your hair or the rain on your face. Dance naked in the moonlight (but not if you have nosy neighbours) Chin up honey things can only get better from here on in xxxxxxxx
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Hm. I used to get similar passive-aggressive monkey business on Monday afternoons, when I got four hours off, but more especially on the three occasions ever when I took her to a (really good) residential care home for a week's respite. I'm afraid I yelled loudly and with a colourful vocabulary: anyone who wants to prosecute first has to watch their own mother accidentally-on-purpose wriggle forward off her bath cushion, knowing that it is the devil's own heart-stopping, back-breaking, time-devouring work then to get her out of the bath, and keep their temper. But thank God our soiling moments were, while masterfully timed of course, always a genuine accident.

Jude, are you getting your (free) respite allowance from your Local Authority? If you've had your Carer's Assessment you should be getting up to five hours a week, I think it is, non-means-tested. Anyway, if you can bring in a carer, the only solution I can think of is not to tell her the plan until it's actually happening, call her bluff, and deal with the fallout when you get back. The thinking is that once she realises her playing up doesn't make any difference she'll cut it out. Hmm, again. But worth a try?
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