What is your screaming point?

See, that's the problem with my mom right now, Jude - her sats are are running 94-96 with her oxygen at 3 liters and if she is sitting still. Any movement or exertion (like walking 20-25' to the bathroom) and she drops into the 80s, which is unacceptable. At that point, she's gasping for breath. Hoping we have more answers this week as more tests are run.

Mom gets very upset when I go out because she gets lonely, afraid, disoriented and loses track of time. Her short term memory is shot, so if I phone her while I'm out, she can't remember. when I write a note saying where I'm going and when I'll be back, she folds it up and puts it away somewhere or throws it out, then when I come home it's "You've been gone since 9:00 this morning and didn't tell me where you were going. I convinced her to try a respite relief worker but she complained that they came too often. She became quite belligerent and antogonistic so I had to cancel it. When I come back or every time I go out she'll say how the time just drags and she's scared to be by herself now, afraid something will happen to me. I just purchased some plants and transplanted them this evening in larger pots on the balcony. I became dark and I had made a mess, but started to clean it up. Mom had started yelling and saying ridiculous things like we the landlord might evict us, etc., how foolish I was to start so late, etc. I finished up as best I could then told her I was going to the Second Cup. She can be so manipulative and emotionally/verbally abusive, and I'm not really sure if it's the Azheimer's or if part of it is her inherent personality.

I am currently taking care of my mom and I have only been doing so for about a month. She is on hospice and they are very wonderful. She is very good when they are here but when they are not here it is another story. My mom suffers from final stage copd. She still smokes. She has 2 go to my back porch 2 smoke. There is no smoking in my home. Sometimes she is breathing well enough to smoke on the 1 cig every hour n half schedule I have her on but other times not. She wants one every few mins n i wont let her. She gets mad st me n says hurtful things then when she sees that wont make me give her one she cries. I still dont give in but it makes me feel so bad. If her lungs could handle it i would give it to her. Her every waking moment has 2 be spent with me. I have no time to myself. If i go out of the room she folliws me saying she is lonely. And oh yea if she is having a cig fit and i walk out the room to let her argue alone she follows me with the ranting.

frustrated, have you tried the nicotine lozenges that help take the edge off when someone is quitting? It may help with the anger she is feeling when she is wanting a cigarette.

Globetrotter, when dementia is overlaid on a difficult personality, you usually get the same personality worsened by the dementia. I think your wondering if it's the Alzheimer's or her inherent personality is well founded. We often hear that it is the disease and not the person. When I hear that I think "Nope, it's the person." We know how our parent was before dementia set in. With my mother, I consider anything new as being caused by the dementia or her medication. But the difficult personality is old news with her. :-)

That brings up a good screaming point with me -- when someone tries to tell me about my own mother, who they barely know. I've known her 63 years and have been caring for her the last 5 years, 4 months, and 19 days. Not that I'm counting.

Yup Jessie Belle sure is an issue and Iknow I have been guilty of it too. My Mum was never nice to me not once HOWEVER she wasnt AS bad as she can be now. Geriatrician (oh I love this man) said she has no control to stop herself from saying what she thinks - she no longer understands the concept of hurt.

Awww I have been saying till I realised that means for the last 55 years (ie before the dementia) she did bloody know how much she was hurting me - what a cow!

screaming point - so many over the years or trips to the bathroom to cry into a towel, or, walks in the mall to wear off steam, or... Nothing special - just her being her.
Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic. I don't know how much she is aware of the harm she has caused and still causes. There is a lot I
of denial and blaming. My sister has something similar and suspect she is aware and rather enjoys it. I have come to an age when I have to reduce contact with both for my survival. Screaming takes too much of my diminishing energy. Look out for you.

My screaming point was when Mom wouldn't stop knocking on my bedroom door while I was in the throes of passion. Remember Dorothy in the Golden Girls? When she threatened to put her mom Sophia in a home for the elderly called Shady Pines? I tried the same with Mom. Didn't work.

To make a long story short, my fiancée returned the engagement ring. "Here Ed. ... Might as well put it on your mother's finger. ... That woman sure knows how to kill an o____."

I didn't just scream, I had a psychotic episode so ugly Mom locked herself in the bathroom for a few hours. She had to go. A week later I found a nice senior citizens home in The Bronx where she could re-live the thrill of wrecking someone else's relationship.

Smirks @ Eddie .....A Sex life? A SEX LIFE? Now Im sure I remember reading about sex and the over 50's but flipping heck I have completely forgotten HOW to have a relationship let alone a sex life and I had momentarily forgotten I now 62 d*mn missed the chance again!

OK scream time again. Apart from the fact I did a beautiful Chicken and bacon pasta bake topped with breadcrumbs and cheese and served with a green sald and then followed it up with a home made creme brulee - all of which went into the bin - 'Im not eating foreign muck' and then gave her a tin of soup which she still didnt want and then I sat and griited my teeth when she went through cheese biscuits like she was oen of Africas starving. Yes apart from that, I have discovered that it is Mums rituals that make me the most frustrated. Tonight it has taken her twenty minutes to organise, re-organis shuffle move distribute and any other flaming word you care to add to that list 7 items around on her table while I stand there like a lemon waiting for her to get into bed. She knows it frustrates me because she just gives me the same smile that she used to do when I was a child. If I had done anything that was remotely naughty and trust me it wouldnt have had to be much she would go through me like a dose of salts but it never ended there. She would wait until she heard Dad at the door and then start up all over again and she ALWAYS said you have been so rude to me I had better not tell your father, just as he walked through the door - funny that. Dad would take me onto his knee and say how disappointed in me he was. That cut so deep but I never told him it was her not me and I ahted her for it - wow I didnt expect all that to come out but I am sure that I am not the only one who has had negative feelings for their mum.

No, you are not the only one who has negative feelings towards their mom. I am repeatedly told that it's not her fault, that it's the dementia. However, I believe there are core attitudes, beliefs and behaviours that have been there long before the dementia kicked in. As a child, I loved her unconditionally, and neither my siblings nor anyone else could say a bad word about her. However, after she moved back to her homeland with my dad for an extended period of time, I was able to reflect on the reality of my upbringing and accept a different perspective. Mom's love for me was somewhat possessive and controlling. She was a critical parent and I didn't reallize how much, deep down, I was afraid of her. To be fair, she had a horrendous childhood that exposed her to events even adults would have a hard time coming to terms with - World War II; deaths; kidnapping and sexual assault of a family member; and being thrust in a caregiver and surrogate parent role to her terminally ill mother and younger siblings. She has never received any therapy for this. Sadly, her escape through marriage to my father and emigration to Canada resulted in culture shock and a new set of problems.

I often wonder if mom's risk of Alzheimer's was higher because she could not deal with reality and had a tendency to live in the past. She was stuck, and harbored intense anger towards God and her lot in life (even though she is Catholic). She is proud to a fault; ironically she is also very needy and a dependent personality. The characteristics of the dementia (except for memory loss, of course) are manifestations of her maladaptive coping strategies and displaced anger throughout her life.

Long story short, as an adult I feel hurt and angry by her need to control me and the derogatory things she says to me at times. The relationship is dysfunctional. I am surprised at how the tables are turned - I used to harbor so much animosity towards dad because of his anger management and alcohol problems. It was me and mom against him. However, in later years I was able to forgive and love my father and see a totally different side to him, especially after 10 years of illness which significantly mellowed his personality. Ironically, mom's illness is creating a distance and chasm that I'm finding it increasingly harder to bridge, because her default mode is to reject all forms of support and assistance while venting her anger, depression and boredom on me. So I keep asking myself, which is her personality and which is the dementia. If the dementia has robbed her of her personality, then I feel very badly for my reactive stance. However, dementia aside, I believe there are some atttides and behaviours for which she needs to be responsible.

I can certainly identify with the meal scenario. Mom is obsessed with groceries, and if we took any meat out of the freezer for dinner tonight or tomorrow. Sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night and takes out two or three pieces of meat out of the freezer. More often than not, she cooks supper before I come home. When I convince her to wait for me, she's complaining that she's starving, then when we sit down to eat, she says she's not a bit hungry! GRRRR!

Jude, I should have been at your house this evening. That dinner sounds delicious. I don't know how anyone could resist it.

Globetrotter, I know exactly what you are saying. My mother does the same things now that she did when I was a kid, but now she does them with confusion and without memory. Your mother certainly did have a lot of trauma and insecurity in her life. We can understand why they are doing things, but it still hurts to be the target of the unkind remarks. And when someone is older with dementia, we really have no defenses other than let it run off our backs. It sounds like you probably have a little trench now from letting things run off. I understand how you feel. And yes, sometimes I think it is really them and not the dementia. The dementia just sharpens it some.

One of my scream moments happened just few days after moving my bi-polar, cluster B personality disorder, dementia having mother in with me to await the senior apartment she would ultimately move into.

I took her into the drug store/apothecary to buy Tenas. We only had a thousand pair already in the house, so clearly more were needed. We put her things in the cart and I went to get some things I needed. She pooped her pants. Right there in the middle of the store. On purpose. And she giggled about it because I could not complete the shopping I needed to do. She was not bowel incontinent at that point in time. Just urinary incontinence.

I spoke not one word to her the rest of the night. I was soon to find out that was just the tip of the scream-worthiness of this woman. Let's say the Riesling and Sangria producers had a very good year courtesy of me at that time.

My screaming point was after taking my mother for another mammogram and chest xray. She is in her late 90s. This is by no mean her only doctor's appoinments this month. She thanked me for taking her and said she had "wondered if anyone had noticed or if anyone had cared" about her mammogram. She doesn't live with me, so I will shut up and quit complaining.

Well I had an intersting night - Mum has been to pass a stool 9 times during the night. the stool is normal but there has been about a half teaspoon each time (not that I put it on a teaspoon to measure it you understand. Finally I said to her why are you just going to the commode for that little bit and then ringing the bell for me to come and empty it. Oh she said I thought you like it empty (which of course I do because otherwise the smell and bacteria issues come to the fore) so I just did a little bit to make you happy.
Bless her cotton socks and for those of you who know the saga of the koala - I punched it hard - that poor koala bet it wished it was a teddy bear right now!

Our Mums eat all the cheese biscuits and we are the ones who are cream crackered.

Wow, my screaming point would come really soon, I imagine. As it is, I come closest to my screaming point when my knee is hurting (badly). as fyi, for anyone who has it pretty bad, or really bad- you could consider getting a simple brace for your knee, even with no knee problem. I have mentioned my bad knee plenty of times, but when I wear a brace- it is actually real to others. Other times, not real, I guess. Even when I have my pants leg covering my brace, it's not as real to anyone as when my pants leg is up and you can see the brace. I guess it makes some sense. So, those with dire situations, consider getting and wearing a knee brace, even if no bad knee. It might shift the balance of things. The one I wear is to be worn only 8 hours at a time. So, you wouldn't wear a thing like this all the time, even if you did have a bad knee. (Now you've got distorted reality everywhere!)

I have a new screaming point. It could be so loud you can hear it anywhere in the world. We have to move - Mum cant manage the stairs any longer so we need a one storey house - in UK called a bungalow. Now much as it irritates Mum she does actually acknowledge very begrudgingly that I have to go and look at them before we put an offer in.
So today was the day. I had 4 appts planned did a tour of 2 and dint like them from the outside let alone inside so down to 2 appts. One immediately after the other so I am going to be out for 45 minutes to an hour for a first viewing.
I get home and I know something is not quite right - my nose is very keen and thats poop. OK thinks I she has been to the commode and not closed the lid - oh so so wrong how wrong could I have been. She had as I thought been for a poop but then and gods knows how she got it there she took it into the kitchen and emptied it into my washing up bowl with todays dishes in it. We are now not speaking because I threw the whole lot as is into a big black bag and lobbed it into the dustbin outside. You could have washed them wasteful thats what you are always spending money blah blah blah. I have to say i stood there and took it because I just didnt dare open my mouth. Then I thought you know what I have to say something. I was gentle. I said well tomorrow I will get out your plate and wash the poo off it and the you can have your toast on it will that satisfy you.
Im not eating off a plate that has had poo on it. Yes conquered it thinks I as I say That's alright then you dont have to worry I have thrown it in the bin.
And then she said - I cant understand what you were thinking of tipping it into the washing up bowl in the first place - you are such a dirty woman. I wish my daughter would come in now - shed fire you.

So tonight I will tell mum I fired her problem sorted!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Oh my goodness Jude!
That must have been a shock. I have found "it" in some unusual places but when Mum put it in the bath I wondered if her reasoning was to wash it away.
could that be the case with yours.?
At least she wanted her daughter back.
House hunting is stressful at the best of times so I hope you find something suitable soon.
I suppose you could say you have a lot on your plate at the moment!
I'm sending a hug, just don't know where to find them.

Lol Cerise its under my name where it says give a hug!!!! xxxxx (((hugs))) back at ya. I have fired the carer!!!!! giggles

What a crazy day for you Jude! That gives a whole new meaning to "having a lot on one's plate"....

Lolololol Katie xxxx love it

Really early mornings get to me, sometimes I just want an extra hour to drink my coffee. I love my Mother but this is really my scream moment, she often will not go back down. Today has been one of those days already and she and I still need to get dressed and showered so we can take her out for Mother's Day breakfast.

Smeltzer I empathize - Mum didnt go to bed till midnight last night and was up at stupid oclock this morning - grrrrrr. I now officially stink have only been able to have strip washes for 3 days - shower broke - and although I know I dont smell I hate not feeling clean and if the peeps dont get that part soon I will be murderous. Still on hols for 5 days tomorrow where there WILL be a shower isnt it sad that such small things make me happy?

Jude, I hope you can get the shower fixed soon.....I always enter my shower with some hesitation as it seems that is when the phone rings or I am needed for something at that short moment of my day......

Katie doesnt it just I have rather a horrendous week ahead Mon - Friday on holiday which is going to be really really hard work with a toddler to keep out of the way when I am bathing Mum (I want to wee wee springs to mind as soon as anyone shuts the bathroom door), Then the day after we get home I am going away for an overnight stop with friend but it will be all go not restful then back to the gasman fixing the boiler, then hospital appt the next day, back to the hospital the following day the day after docs appt, then Friday I promised ot take mum to see some gardens near us, Saturday I will just collapse in a heap methinks

Mum gets up about 7ish every morning to start on her packing so she will not miss the train home!. She is indignant if I try to get her to bed before 11pm which I usually do. Sis helpfully advised I put the clocks forward an hour and to " sleep when baby sleeps". Apart from the fact that Mum is not a baby would that not mean I would have to creep around putting them back again once she was in bed or have her get up even earlier.
On a rare day though I get breakfast in peace or a quick walk in the garden, and I always get a smile when she first sees me, whatever time it is.

Yes arent the people who DONT care always the first to offer what for us is USELESS advice. I know it is well meant but gimme a break - it is what it is