My mother-in-law is taking care of my father-in-law. We believe that he has cancer. He’s been the type of man to never go to a doctor. He made my mother-in-law promise him that she would not call an ambulance or take him to the hospital no matter how bad it got. My poor mother-in-law is beside herself for she has been trying to do the best she can with taking care of him. He will not let anyone in the house other than her. The way that she describes the situation and him it’s horrible. He has horrible sores, he is defecating all over himself, he barely eats or drinks and we believe him to be on his deathbed. The guilt she feels for wanting to do some thing but not betraying her husband is horrible. She has begged him to let her call an ambulance or to take him to the hospital and he will not allow it. She has told her doctor about the situation because she is afraid that she is going to be charged with Neglect. She called my wife today and said that she thinks that he’s passing. His body is swollen from fluid retention and his breathing is shallow as though the fluid is going into his lungs. Scared for my mother-in-law, she’s a good woman and has been doing the best she can this past year taking care of this stubborn man.
He lived with his elderly mom, she'd taken a bad fall but had forbidden him to call 911 (I think they were in the UK, actually).
Each day he'd post her worsening symptoms. We finally convinced him that he really needed to get help for her by pointing out that he was the adult in the room and that by not calling, he was actively neglecting her medical needs.
Would your MIL read the posts here?
In YOUR shoes, I would call 911 and report this gentleman's condition.
Had he agreed to a hospice evaluation, he would be able to avoid this end of life rush to the hospital.
There will be an autopsy if no doctor is involved and depending on the medical examiners report, this could very well end badly for her.
Please call 911 and get you MIL some help. The utter selfishness of your FIL blows my mind. He obviously is only thinking about himself and it sounds like he is trying to take her with him.
They both got taken in for MH holds. And it would be possible for the younger to be charged, especially if seen as not MH.
MIL is best served if first responders, APS, whoever else sees her as a sympathetic figure. Sadly, acting like Big Strong Independent Woman right now might not be effective. What would be best is that he goes into some facility and she's not in trouble so she can visit him.
Let him tell the paramedics he's refusing to go.
It is cruel to both FIL and MIL to allow this to go on another single second. Please intervene and speak with the father. If he is uncooperative in this you may have to take the bull by the horns. He can refuse treatment at hospital, but clearly your MIL cannot continue in attempting this end of life care.
Yes, call 911 for her. That way she hasn't broken her promise to him.
FYI early dementia behavior is often mistaken for elderly stubbornness. This is why it flies under the radar undetected for so long until there's a crisis that exposes it. You don't say how old he is, so maybe this has been a possibility all along. I wish you all peace in your hearts during this distressing time.