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For years I helped my dad care for my mother who had dementia, they eventually moved to a care facility. When she passed away he moved into a small house beside ours. He said he would hire help and get a Life Line button to wear but after we moved him he said it was too expensive, I hired a housekeeper, he did not get the button! He is legally blind and was using a walker but I thought he was doing fine, one day he just decided he needed to move back to the facility, said he could not see well enough to live alone, just insisted so we moved him back.


Shortly after he moved he cracked a bone in his hip and has been in a wheel chair since. A few months later the facility closed and he had to move again, he did not like the next place, moved again, to make it short we have moved him seven times, facility to facility, small room to bigger room, trying to make him happy. He has a little dog and this is the last place that will take pets! He is angry, thinks they charge too much even though his long term insurance pays for most of it. He has a nice big room with a small kitchen, a nice courtyard where he can take the dog out. There are lots of activities but he will not participate, he complains about the food, always good when I eat! He complains about the man he eats with, complains about the housekeeper! He says that they do not do anything for him and he should not be there and tells everyone that it is my fault he is there and I will not let him move back home.


I really do not know where he thinks he is going to live, the house he rented beside us is not available and we would have to build a ramp before he could even get in! He has always been pretty sharp mentally but he has been getting things mixed up lately, seems to have lost his common sense. I live 10 miles away but visit him every other day, I find myself dreading these visits, I have just been leaving when he starts complaining but lately I leave in tears! I also take him to church every Sunday but that has gotten harder, not sure how long I will be able to do this, it is the only time he actually walks, it is hard and I am afraid he is going to fall. I have tried to reason with him, I have tried to ignore him but lately I just get mad! I have had health issues myself and I know this stress is not helping. Sorry this is so long! I would appreciate any advice, thanks!

You are right, he does not have a home to move into, my parents sold their home years ago.
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Reply to sbgsteiff1
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Thank you, I do not go at the same time everyday and the activities director has talked to me because he will not participate, she really tries. The only time he shows any interest is when it involves the veterans and then he enjoys it. She does try to find things he is interested in, one time she had him bring his carvings down for a show and tell, he loved to do carving but cannot see now. I know he is frustrated because he cannot do what he used to do.

I tried talking to his doctor which is also my doctor, he was no help! Told him if he lived by himself he would have to have assistance and it would be short lived, not many 95 year olds can live alone! This made things worse, he was ready to move that day!

The complaining just seems to be getting worse, I understand that it has to be hard to lose your independence. But he has been retired for over 30 years, spent 15 winters in Arizona, he is so lucky to have the means to live in a nice place with his dog. I just wish there was some way that I could make him realize this. We all go through stages in life, I think the key to happiness is accepting the stage we are in with a smile. I do think I am going to cut back on my visits for my own sake.
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I certainly agree - don't move him again.  Realistically he cannot manage on his own - he doesn't even have a place other than where he is now, which sounds good.  Basically I suspect he is refusing to see his situation honestly - it is up to him to adjust to the new realities of aging and frankly he will have to make the best of it. You cannot make him young again.  For your own sanity, detach.  He is ok where he is, being taken care of, and there is no reason you have to be the punching bag for his unhappiness with his reality. Visit much less and on your terms.  No point in trying to make him "happy" - it cannot be done.
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Reply to rovana
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sbgsteiff1 Jan 1, 2019
Thank you so much! You are right, he probably would not be happy anywhere! It was a really bad situation when the first nursing facility closed, he and all of his friends had to go to different places. I would take him to visit them at first but he has outlived them all. We have tried to make him happy ever since then, who knows, he probably would not have been happy there either at this point. I am going to take your advice and visit less and not let it bother me. Thank You!
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I would not move him on his own again. Being Blunt, he will just have to get used to it. Maybe not visit for a few days. When he asks why, tell him you leave upset because all he does is complain. Explain now he has had an accident there is no way he can live on his own. The changing ALs is stressing you out. He needs to get used to where he is.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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sbgsteiff1, I think your Dad is using his dislike of the senior housing as an excuse that he isn't happy with getting older. There are so many things he can no longer do because the body won't let him.

Question, do you visit Dad every other day at the same time? I remember reading on the forum where a writer's Mom complained non-stop about the facility, how she had no friends, etc. Daughter would visit every day at the same time. Then one day, the daughter decided to drop in unannounced to see her Mom. There was Mom enjoying herself doing crafts and laughing with the others. Oops.

Maybe your Dad only grumbles to you, which in turn makes you feel very stressful. You can use a "theraputic fib" telling Dad he can move back home only if his doctor gives the ok.

Our parents will use "our visits" as an excuse not to join with the other residents when there are activities. Thus, if you cut way back on your visits, maybe [or maybe not] your Dad might join in.
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rovana Jan 1, 2019
Freqflyer - I got the impression that he had no "home" to move back to.
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