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I was having a conversation with the ex last night about how I cant be a part of his mother's care because I want my sanity and consider actions by family abusive. So here goes...

Somehow, his mother got declared competent at the hospital and can make her own decisions. She is cancelling her workers and not utilizing her waiver plan B (her son and DIL). As a result, she sits in feces, has a yeast infection under her breasts, cannot physically get her own food or water, has no heat most of the day because of wood heating and has not taken medication due to mobility issues and they are not putting pain meds in dispenser or within her reach. Also, the commode is next to her does not get dumped unless a worker is there so it overflows.

I told him since he lives downstairs, he is responsible since she cannot do for herself. He said he is not reponsible because his brother and SIL is in charge of hygiene, meds, etc and since she was deemed competent and she tells them she is okay and doesnt need help, all of them are off the hook for neglect because it is self neglect. Anyway, I do not agree. So who is right legally?

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I agree with Stacey 110%. To believe and to do nothing is as criminal in my opinion as to know and do nothing. As for the ex I would also tell him what I was going to do.
Tacy I dont know where in the world you are but this is Vancouver's take on it:

What is self-neglect?
Self-neglect is any failure of an adult to take care of himself or herself that causes, or is reasonably likely to cause within a short period of time, serious physical, mental or emotional harm or substantial damage to or loss of assets.
Self-neglect can happen as a result of an individual's choice of lifestyle, or the person may
be depressed,
have poor health,
have cognitive (memory or decision making) problems, or
be physically unable to care for self.
Self-neglect includes:
Living in grossly unsanitary conditions
Suffering from an untreated illness, disease or injury
Suffering from malnutrition to such an extent that, without an intervention, the adult's physical or mental health is likely to be severely impaired.
Creating a hazardous situation that will likely cause serious physical harm to the adult or others or cause substantial damage to or loss of assets, and
Suffering from an illness, disease or injury that results in the adult dealing with his or her assets in a manner that is likely to cause substantial damage to or loss of the assets.
If you recognize any of these indicators that are unexplained by the adult then you need to Report Abuse, Neglect and Self-Neglect.
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Tacy, while I agree, don't get sucked back into that quagmire, she is still a human being, and someone has to look out for her, or at least report it to APS! You "hearing or thinking" that the Aide woker reported it, may not have happened, so I think that you should also report it to APS, anonymously, and the Ex BF, will think that the Aide did it, and you need never mention it, and your conscious is clear! That's what I would do. Sorry this family is So dysfunctional! Hard to hear over and over again! She's a Pill, that one!
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Tacy, let it go.
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That's how they roll. I don't think they want to bother having to write it up in reports. It's the same with my mil. APS did nothing.
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Thanks Pam. My mom was a nurse for several years and he is not taking her beliefs into consideration. His brother took off friday on vacation without telling him or setting up meds and her having a pain patch on that expired 18th and her with flu and her aide reported everything...not good.
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Tacy there is a fine line between neglect of the parent and a stubborn parent who refuses help. The line gets crossed when the patient shows up in the ER multiple times in a short interval. At that point the children are often absolved and the parent is sent to a nursing home, kicking and screaming all the way.
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Oh, I am not getting involved in her care. He was at my mom's installing some bars in her bathroom last night and he was talking about it. My mom really likes him and we were trying to tell him that we thought he could get in trouble with neglect or abuse charges since she is a vulnerable adult. That is where he believes it is self neglect so I was wondering if he could actually get in trouble legally.
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Don't get sucked in again. You are no longer part of the family. It's sad. Unless you want to be responsible for changing the situation, accept the situation and move on with your life.
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Back off, walk away. You darn well she is not competent; they are telling you that so you will back off. The workers who go there are the mandated reporters. If you go there and the place is a complete disaster, use your cell phone to get pictures of the feces, the yeast, the commode and filth. You give that to APS and they do the rest.
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