She always has home health care women coming in 5 days a week. Shouldn't she buy her own toilet paper and personal items? I am not a bank and it does add up.

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My mom lives with hubs and I , and we do not have a contract but we are lucky in that she is generous with her funds. She has paid the cable and electric since she and dad moved in because those bills went up a lot. ( he passed a few years ago). She also gives me some money when I go for groceries, and it helps ( she eats very little so I know she pays more than she eats) I take it sometimes. She also offers gas money because I drive her everywhere. And she pays all the Costco trips.. maybe every 3 months or so. She also insisted that I get a cleaning gal a few years ago.. she said that was her job and if she could not do it she would pay someone as I work ( hubs is retired, not collecting SS yet and he stays home with her). I am guessing she gives us about 700 a month. I could afford this ( I know I am lucky), but it makes her feel like she is contributing to the household she lives in. I am guessing your mil thinks you "owe" her? Does she pay for her aides? I agree you need to talk to her.. or hubs does..
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Sorry, but I totally disagree with Tothill and Sendhelp about any senior funding the mortgage.

A senior living with you should not being paying part of your mortgage or a percentage of their income rate that applies to solo occupied private apartments. You chose your house and you need to pay the mortgage. It doesn't increase because a senior came to live with you. If the senior is going to fund the mortgage, then they also need to have equity in the home, which will need to be liquidated to provide care when/if the senior enters a facility.

At the very most, you need to follow the federal income tax model where the square footage of the senior's bedroom (and maybe an attached bath that is solely used by the senior) is used to calculate a percentage against the structure's total square footage and applied to expenses. For example, if MIL's bedroom and bath is 12'x12' and 6'x8' respectively, that's 144+48=192 sq ft or 192/2000 = 9.6% of a 2000 sq ft home. So MIL's percentage of the house expenses would be no more than 9.6% which would include mortgage/rent, property taxes, insurance, utilities and limited _required_ maintenance (roof repair following damage from a rain/wind storm is required, remodeling the master bath is not). You can add additional funds for groceries and consumables in either equal shares of actual cost or as an average increase.

People who pay "rent" or mortgage payments on the whole home in equal portion to the other adults should have equal decision making privileges in the home too as the home becomes "ours". If you want to continue being the decision maker in "your" home, then it's inappropriate for others to commit equal resources to its funding.
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Is she financially ABLE to help? If so, why not ask her if she is able to contribute to utilities and food, to personal items and etc.
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Tothill makes a good point. Paying rent.

Count the number of occupied bedrooms.
Take the house mortgage, (or total rent).maintenance, taxes, insurance, and upkeep for the house in a year. Divide by the months in a year = 12.
Divide by the occupied bedrooms, (or, if you prefer, divide by the number of people.)

Any rent charged up to about 50% of her income should be okay. However,
if she was in a board and care or NH, they would be taking almost all her money for living there. So the percent of her income is somewhat different.

Take some groceries and toilet paper out of her account directly (ATM?)
on a weekly basis. You are right, that toilet paper can add up, and paper towels. This amount can remain flexible, just like your own grocery bill.

As far as utilities, adjust accordingly.

These are guidelines. You would not charge the room rent based upon if your mortgage was $6,000/mo. See Tothill's advice.

I believe an elder living anywhere that has an income should pay their own way, as far as possible.
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First how much rent is she paying?

Second, how many people are living in the home?

If she is not paying rent, that is the first thing to address. 30-35% of her income should be paid as rent.

If she gets $1500 in pension. 1500x35%=525

Utilities, groceries etc.

Total utilities+groceries+incidentals/total number of people living in the home.

Utilities: 300
Groceries: 800
Incidentals: 200
Total: 1300

People living in home: 3

Amount attributed to each person: 1300/3=$435 per person.

So Mum should be paying:

Rent: $525
Household expenses: $435
Total $960

This leaves her with $540 for clothing, etc.

I grew up with a father who got really funny about toilet paper and Mum and I were accused of using too much. So any discussion about charging for TP use is a trigger for me. According to Dad any 'job' could be cleaned up with 4 squares of TP.
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lealonnie1 Nov 7, 2019
Dad was wrong! OMG, I cringe thinking about cleaning up any job with 4 squares of tp!!!!!!!!!! LOL
Your mother should pay her own way when sharing your home if she is able. There are several ways of determining what is fair. Some people include all the monthly household expenses and split the cost by the number of people living in the home, so your mother would pay 1/3 and you and your spouse would pay 2/3. I didn't want to track everything every month so my mother and I chose a set amount based on how much her presence in my home actually increased the household expenses plus $100 for "wear and tear" and how much "care" she needs based on her independence. Mom's presence increases the grocery, consumables, and electric bills but doesn't impact the water bill because we are under the minimum billing volume. Since I purchased an efficient front loading washing machine that adjusts the water used based on actual load, the usage is always under the minimum except for a couple of summer months when the kids play with sprinklers and kiddie pools.

You may also want to investigate/consider a care giver or a board and care agreement stating household expenses are shared but your mother pays her own personal expenses like her cell phone, insurance, medications, incontinent supplies, in home respite care, etc. This will help if your mother ever needs Medicaid and may also help you if your siblings ever become concerned about how mom's money is being spent.
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somewhere Dec 23, 2019
My mother in law has been living with us since August 2019 and has paid some toward the bills .I have seen a big increase in gas and electric since she says she is cold and has to have the thermostat set at 70 and 65 at night(wont wear layers of clothes etc)When the time of the month comes to tell her about the amount she looks at me and her son like "am I really expecting her to pay."she has definitely increased my stress level since I am the main one bringing in the money.If the bill was less everyone would benefit.She is in the house 24/7 while I work 40 hours a week plus having aid coming in 5 days a week.It is definitely a stressful situation.She may buy food but it is basically for her (cereal, bananas and milk ,soda, and a 6 pack of a alcoholic beverage but nothing for all of us
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