My MIL has been living with us for over two years. She pays no rent and does nothing to help with the house or the kids. She has been sleeping on my couch and has no boundaries for my things and for the home. I was under the impression that she had financial trouble and was only going to be staying with us for the time it took her to find a place after she sold her home
She has money. She isn’t even tapping into her social security yet. She buys herself diamond earrings and spends thousands weekly all the while letting me and my partner struggle with money. We only have a three-bedroom home and if she continues to stay with us (as my partner feels like he would be guilty if he didn’t allow it) we would have to get a new home and we can barely afford the one we are in. I’m so resentful of this woman who disrespects my home and is so entitled
She made a comment about how she would just get a condo instead of going bankrupt getting a bigger home with us. She says she can only give us1,000 a month, when we would be the ones taking on a higher loan and interest rate (triple the mortgage we have now) and we would only be getting a small amount back if we sold because we had to borrow against the equity to deal with all the high costs of her living with us! I told my partner his mom is clearly using him as a free ride
How can I explain this to both of them because it’s starting to cause problems in our relationship and I feel very uncomfortable in my own home.
We have three kids, and nothing saved for retirement yet and we are in our mid-thirties. She is 63 and healthy. I don’t know how she can be so blind to what she is doing.
She had gotten 250 thousand from the sale of her home and has 200 thousand in an IRA account but wants her son to carry her through the golden years.
It’s toxic but he won’t listen or seem to understand how bad this will get
Thanks.
Seriously. You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. You and he have allowed MIL into your home without a contract for shared expenses (RealyReal reminded me in a recent post not to use the words rental and so on, as that has tax repercussions). You should have seen an attorney before the visit to get clear the shared expenses.
You now have a non-paying renter. Good luck prying her out of the house, as I cannot imagine it being easy, especially with your husband holding her other arm to keep her there.
You are going to have to back way way up. Whether your MIL was having money issues or not wasn't the problem. That is easily, in this economy, addressed by a job, especially as young as she is, and RENTING the couch in someone ELSE'S house.
I suggest you either sit with hubby and come to an agreement about how he will handle the freeloader, or--absent that--that you make arrangements to rent a couch at someone else's house and begin divorce proceedings.
I am sorry it this sounds harsh. The choice for your life is yours. MJ suggests boundaries but it is pretty clear to me that she isn't into them.
What your partner needs to understand is Mom is not old. That two adult women cannot live in the same household. That she has the money, so she should be on her own. She should not be sleeping on your couch like a poor relation. You need it to go back to just your family. Thats how its suppose to be. Mom needs to leave.
I do understand that picking up 3 children and leaving may not be possibile. Is telling him that if he can't tell Mom its time to go, then maybe he needs to leave and take her with him? You should be #1 in this relationship.
It's very simple: "Your mother moves out in 30 days, or the kids and I do."
There is no negotiating. Thirty days will be the first of March (plus a few days), so she can rent a place while looking for a new one to buy or rent. There will be no discussion about how much rent she'll pay you two, because your home is not a rental. It is YOUR home, not his alone, and certainly not hers.
All you have to do is mean it, because otherwise you're just a doormat. You and the kids should always come before his mother, and if your man-child doesn't understand that real soon, he can move out with Mommy and be her keeper, PLUS pay child support.
My ‘practical’ suggestion is to go to a pleasant second hand furniture shop, buy two easy chairs (even three if you want to be ‘nice’), and when they deliver, get them to take away and sell the couch. Oh dear! Nowhere for you to couch surf, MIL! Your house, you can choose the furniture.
You MUST make MIL less comfortable and this situation less of a ‘win, win, win’ for her. Think of other ways as well. Charging her $1000 a month NOW might be another way to start, though it's NOT just about 'financial planning', which was the topic you chose. Perhaps the kids can have fun thinking up options to be difficult as well!
Her money.
Agree with her, "She made a comment about how she would just get a condo instead of going bankrupt getting a bigger home with us". Help her to do just that. Follow her lead.
I would leave this man in a second, and the honest truth is I may consider leaving for a period of time WITHOUT my children, getting a job, seeing an attorney, setting up visitation and separation. Some time with granny and three kids may be a wakeup call he won't forget.
Why is it that MEN think they can get by with "child support" as he says he is willing to pay, while the woman is left with the children? Nope. I would say "How about you do the kids and I do the child support check soon as I am on my feet with a good job.
I wouldn’t suggest that she leave without her children. I worked with a woman who ‘needed a break’ from her husband. She told him that she was going away for the weekend alone.
My coworker had an awful marriage and an even worse divorce. Her husband’s attorney destroyed her in court. The husband said that she had ‘abandoned’ the children. He won full custody and she received supervised visitation.
Her situation wasn’t about his mother. It was about another woman. The other woman moved into the home immediately after she left him.
It was a mess! How these situations turn out truly depends on the lawyers, the judge and how spiteful the man is.
Start by finding a lawyer and a therapist.
I was married for 24 (!) years to a guy who put himself and everything else before me and the kids. No, his parents didn't move in, but the same emotional territory.
I was helplessly lost in this situation until I sought the help of a therapist (several therapists, in fact). I got strong, I got back to school and stopped thinking of myself as someone with no agency and no choices.
I got a good job, which enormously increased my ability to direct my life. When push came to shove, I was able to say "no more" and had him removed from the marital home.
We tried a mediated divorce. He was a total A-hole about that. Got myself a lawyer.
We divorced and despite what he had TOLD me for years would be the outcome, I ended up with far more monetary resources than I anticipated.
This journey all starts with one step. It starts with you saying "no" to doing ANYTHING for your "mil".
It starts with socking away all the money you can in your own account.
It starts with exploring job opportunities, training and schooling that will make you independent.
It starts with finding a lawyer and a therapist.
Good luck. Let us know how your plan is going.
HE isn't going to change. YOU need to.
Your story reminds me of Barbara on Shark Tank.
She said that when her husband left her for another woman, she succeeded in the real estate business.
Her ex had told her that she would fail without him. She showed him that she didn’t need him!
She is happily remarried to a wonderful man.
You may not be aware yet of the term "grifters" and how they team up to scam people for their own benefit. A mother-son con team is not unusual.
You can also look into narcissism, his mother or him. You can do this with the help of a therapist. A therapist will never force you to leave (if this is what is happening), but you can get help identifying how to stop this financial abuse of your marriage.
Study it. Protect yourself. Protect your children.
Your husband is showing loyalty to his mother, not you.
You can start by dropping hints: Yes Mom, we live very different lifestyles and I cannot see you on our couch much longer. You should own your own condo, live separately from us.
Mother, your lifestyle is so luxurious from what we can afford you. I just cannot allow you to be buying diamonds, spending your housing money on luxuries while sleeping on a couch. You need to invest that money for your own home, not be spending it.
However, Astrid....You can make an expensive point by buying another couch for husband, putting it next to his mother's couch in the living room. Put his bedding out there. Hope it's crowded and he gets the point. Arguing this out with him (over the years) will just make you out to be the bad guy, a real nag.
I don't think you will win to discuss this situation.
Maybe instead, take his Mom condo shopping, just you and her.
I am sure the OP has dropped many, many hints. Her situation is long past the time of hint dropping to the husband and MIL.
It's 'Get the hell out of my house or I'll evict you legally and a shariff will throw you out.'
This is what MIL needs to hear now.
As for the husband.
'Either she goes, or I do. I'll find a cut-throat divorce lawyer today'.
They're past hint-dropping.