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My own health is not good, both physically and mentally. Also mild cognitive impairment which means all things take longer and I still make errors and omissions with my own health care. When expected to add on caring for her the stress on me is overwhelming. My health suffers in every aspect.


Dysfuntional family dynamics for 50 yrs !


My only other sib is sister who lives several states away. By the way, she is going to inherit 100% of any assets that may be left after mom dies. I don't want money. I agreed to this plan yrs ago because I have a history of addiction. (20 yrs ago) While money is not my concern, this fact simply adds to my annoyance. I love my mom, but she is manipulative. It feels like she uses guilt to make me sacrifice my life for her.

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Hi Nancymc!

I am sorry you are facing this without much support from your family, your mom is lucky to have you.

Might I suggest a quick call to an advisor at A Place for Mom. The advisors there are local to your area and are often a wealth of information and resources that may be available to your family.

Good luck on your journey!
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worriedinCali Jan 12, 2019
I thought spam wasn’t allowed? This spam.
advertising a place for mom.
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This is the second time this Expert has suggested A Place for Mom. A nice organization, but there are other senior advisory services.

I wonder if a business deal is afoot?
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golden23 Jan 12, 2019
I reported it.
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Maybe the better question is what is your moral and ethical obligation to yourself? Your health is suffering, Who has POA? The POAs can be done from a distance. (I have done it). A facility can care for your mum. A case manager canbe hired using your mum's money to manage her needs. It sounds to me like you have enough on your plate keeping yourself going. I regret not taking better care of me during my years of caregiving, It has taken a toll and I didn't have the heath issues you have, (((((hugs)))) it is hard,
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Nancymc Jan 13, 2019
Good point. I don't want POA, nor money. I think sis accross country has that, since she is the primary inheritor at death. Mom doesn't need inpatient care yet, but senior housing would be ideal. Selling her home and physically moving has held her back. Is that something a POA would do ? I'll look more into that. I just resent putting all my energy into her life, when my own is already suffering.
Thanks for answering.
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Yes the POA is responsible for housing. I was POA and moved my mother many times - once by hiring people to help, the other times with a friend. You can decline to on the basis of your health. Guilt inducing mothers are no fun. Mine was one too. You have to decide for yourself what you can, and want to do, and what you can't and don't want to do. Set the limits and stick to them despite her trying to push your guilt buttons, You are doing nothing wrong. You have to look after yourself. I had to limit visits and phone calls.
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I admire your candor , first of all.

You need to take care of you. I understand the feelings of ethics and morality. Common amongst us of a certain age. But you have your own issues too. There is nothing wrong with you nor your moral compass in saying, I can't do this.

Take care, fellow traveller.
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Not the first time A Place For Mom has been mentioned on Aging Care.
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You have a priority...YOU.
All caregivers know that they have to care for themselves. For many of us that sometimes is put on the back burner. But in your case you have known health problems that make caring for yourself more of a challenge than "normal"
Look for a place that will care for Mom. A place that you can visit when you want or need to. Do not let her "guilt" you into doing something that is not good for you.
If sibling does not like the fact that you are going to put Mom in Assisted Living or Memory Care then she can step up and relocate Mom. Come and pack up the things that Mom will take with her. She can help with the transfer of banks if that is necessary. I suggest that she look for facilities near where she lives just in case Mom will eventually move to a Assisted Living or Memory Care close to sibling.
20 years is a long time...a shame you are being "punished" for something that far in the past.
Good luck and remember...care for yourself first.
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Nancymc Jan 13, 2019
Thanks for understanding. Mom lives in her 3 bd rm home, while I am in a subsidized 2 rm apt. She could (and should) move to senior hsg, but doesn't have the energy to pack up and move. Nor do I. Any in home support she has had, she cancels, then expects me to pitch in even more. I'm the disappointing "bad girl", while she and rest of fam (distant) sit in judgement. Yet expected to selflessly do for her at my expense. The resentment is almost killing me.
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the place for mom bot is listed on advisory panel. Undercuts integrity of site, if you ask me.
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Dear Nancy, I am guessing that your mother’s money was involved during your addiction period 20 years ago, and you still feel a mixture of guilt and gratitude. It’s underneath the ethical and moral dilemma, and your mother and sister both know it. If that’s wrong, ignore the rest of this. If it’s part of the problem, read on for the accountant’s approach.

How much money was involved? Find out the inflation rate since then, and multiply it out to a current value in today’s money. Then look at the value of the care you have provided to your mother, above that provided by your sister and also at today’s rates - $25 an hour? If the upscaled old debt is still more than the care value, work out how long the care would have to go on in order to balance it. Will you ever be able to square it? Or have you already more than paid it back? Either way, something has to change.

Provide the calculation to your sister. If your mother doesn’t move, you will not be able to continue with her support. Say that it seems to you that the best thing is for your mother to go to Assisted Living, and the cost is $x per month. There would also be costs for moving some furniture and other belongings with her (this isn’t a big job for you, hire a moving firm, stand in your mother’s house and point at what has to be moved). The cost of AL could be offset by cleaning up and selling the house and remaining contents, but that you are not willing or able to do the large amount of work involved. If the house isn’t sold, your sister’s inheritance will dwindle. Your mother won’t ever be eligible for Medicaid (if appropriate).

Ask your sister what she would like to arrange. Does she want to arrange and manage in-home care? Does she want to convince your mother to move and then arrange to clean out and sell the house? Is there a POA who could take over? You are giving time for her to consider all the options, but you cannot continue to do this for the rest of 2019.

You need to be able to draw a line under your old guilt and shame, and this is a practical way to do it. Best wishes and good luck.
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Nancymc Jan 13, 2019
Thanks for your insight Margaret. Yes, money WAS involved, but not a cent of her money. I spent/lost my own money, some of which had been an inheritance. I take full responsibility for that. I now live at a lower standard of living, and have become comfortable with what is. Mom and sis knew of this 30 yrs ago. They're still shocked and angry. I don't ask for any financial help from them.
Now, dispite decades of recovery time, I'm treated as the black sheep. Even that is ok. Yet they have no qualms expecting me to provide countless hour of help to now elderly mom. For many years in the past I went above and beyond to make amends for disappointing mom. I feel that now I owe her nothing, other than basic respect. But the demands are growing. I might add, sis moved away long ago to escape dysfunction in the home. I stuck around.
Bottom line is I've overpaid due to guilt and shame. Now I need some boundaries. New territory for me. Thanks for understanding.
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