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I have this feeling that maybe my in-laws are somehow involved. That I will be left to care for a dying veteran and be sued for everything I have. According to SSA, I am not even legally married. My essential tremor is up ten notches over all this, and I cannot even do my diabetes sticks correctly.

I'm seeing too many Doctors refusing to acknowledge dementia, or consider incontinence and bedbound is nothing "wrong with him?" Are we talking VA Medical, or Medicare? My experience is the VA Medical does nothing to help the Veteran and it is a national disgrace. Medicare doctors do much more.

Empty his drawer of regular underwear and replace with Depends.

You can't be forced to do hands on caregiving for a "dying Veteran." Each state has numerous Veteran's Homes, start looking for them. Put in an application for the ones you like. You can only apply to one per state. You need a decent Doctor to complete a 6 page form that goes with your application (about his medical condition.)

The VA Homes all have various types of care, and you won't be paying anything, his SS does. Your In Laws have nothing to do with this, unless he lives with them.

See an Elder lawyer about protecting your half of assets.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Today request a certified copy (even multiple copies if possible) of your marriage certificate from whatever town you were married in, even if it was not in the country you now live in. It's not the 1940s. Governments can provide copies of marriage certificates. You don't need a renewal, you just need a copy.
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Reply to JustAnon
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See an Elder Law attorney. Don't tell your husband. Take all of your and your husband's financial information, including the correspondence from Social Security about whether your marriage is legal or not. Find out what your options are for protecting yourself financially, including separation or divorce.

Tell your husband he needs to wear Depends, beginning today, or you will leave. Then follow through.

I'm sorry. This must be incredibly frustrating.
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Reply to MG8522
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How do you not know if you're legally married? This is ridiculous. Living together (shacking up) also known as 'commonlaw marriage' is not legally recognized in most states. So if this has been your arrangement with the man you call your husband, you're out of luck. You could make a phone call to Social Security and ask them how they've come to the conclusion that you aren't legally married. If you're legally married you have a marriage license. If you can't find it, call the Town Clerk or City Hall where you were married and they can get you a copy of it.

You aren't going to get sued. Even if you are legally married, the only way anyone including a nursing home, is getting anything is if the two of you own real estate, bank accounts, insurance policies, and other assets that are jointly in both your names. Even then any entity trying to collect is only legally entitled to your husband's half.

Talk to your husband's doctors with him. Geaton is right. Don't accept second-hand information and take it as truth. Hear it directly from the doctors. I don't see how your 94-year old homeless in-law can be 'involved' in any of this if they are 94 and homeless.

Talk to your husband's doctors and Social Security then go from there. If your husband's care is too much for you and it sounds like it is, you don't have to be his caregiver. Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them what's going on. That you cannot provide care to him and he's a vulnerable invalid. They will help get him into care.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Octapetty 12 hours ago
Sorry for any misunderstandings. My mom had vascular dementia and I was with her for many years. She passed in 2018. She was 94 and I was 65. My mother-in-law is 94, but I realized that there is nothing I can help her with because my medical history is getting increasingly complex, and she has another son and daughter besides us. We lost our foreign marriage document in a hurricane in 2005. No one seems to want a new one at this time.
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For context, here's your first recent post:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-73-yr-old-husband-is-a-smoker-who-will-not-wear-mens-depends-and-is-a-fall-risk-any-advice-497843.htm

Who is telling you "there is nothing wrong with him"? If it's not you hearing it directly from the mouths of the doctors then I would certainly question it. If your husband is "relaying" this info, I would also question it.

And, are you legally married to him or not? Do you have a marriage license from whatever state you were married in? Most states do not recognize "common law" marriages but some have a level of recognition for long term partnerships so you need to further research this for your state and situation. The SSA doesn't decide who is married or not, they decide who is eligible for benefits or not.

I'm so sorry you are enduring this stress but you need to work on getting facts. No one can force you to be a caregiver. No one can sue you. If you were not actually married then you have a "less complicated" way to exit, unless you have a lot of finances and assets tied together.

You may benefit from a consultation with an elder law attorney, not just for the situation with him but to plan for your own care as you will eventually need it.

Consider contacting your local Area Agency on Aging for resources and your county's social services to see if you qualify for any free in-home help.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Octapetty 13 hours ago
We were married overseas 38 years ago. Our home was destroyed by Katrina 08/29/2005. The foreign marriage document went down stream into the Gulf. So far, no renewal has been requested. However, after being together for so long, we will have work things out somehow.
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