
I have this feeling that maybe my in-laws are somehow involved. That I will be left to care for a dying veteran and be sued for everything I have. According to SSA, I am not even legally married. My essential tremor is up ten notches over all this, and I cannot even do my diabetes sticks correctly.
Empty his drawer of regular underwear and replace with Depends.
You can't be forced to do hands on caregiving for a "dying Veteran." Each state has numerous Veteran's Homes, start looking for them. Put in an application for the ones you like. You can only apply to one per state. You need a decent Doctor to complete a 6 page form that goes with your application (about his medical condition.)
The VA Homes all have various types of care, and you won't be paying anything, his SS does. Your In Laws have nothing to do with this, unless he lives with them.
See an Elder lawyer about protecting your half of assets.
Tell your husband he needs to wear Depends, beginning today, or you will leave. Then follow through.
I'm sorry. This must be incredibly frustrating.
You aren't going to get sued. Even if you are legally married, the only way anyone including a nursing home, is getting anything is if the two of you own real estate, bank accounts, insurance policies, and other assets that are jointly in both your names. Even then any entity trying to collect is only legally entitled to your husband's half.
Talk to your husband's doctors with him. Geaton is right. Don't accept second-hand information and take it as truth. Hear it directly from the doctors. I don't see how your 94-year old homeless in-law can be 'involved' in any of this if they are 94 and homeless.
Talk to your husband's doctors and Social Security then go from there. If your husband's care is too much for you and it sounds like it is, you don't have to be his caregiver. Call APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them what's going on. That you cannot provide care to him and he's a vulnerable invalid. They will help get him into care.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-73-yr-old-husband-is-a-smoker-who-will-not-wear-mens-depends-and-is-a-fall-risk-any-advice-497843.htm
Who is telling you "there is nothing wrong with him"? If it's not you hearing it directly from the mouths of the doctors then I would certainly question it. If your husband is "relaying" this info, I would also question it.
And, are you legally married to him or not? Do you have a marriage license from whatever state you were married in? Most states do not recognize "common law" marriages but some have a level of recognition for long term partnerships so you need to further research this for your state and situation. The SSA doesn't decide who is married or not, they decide who is eligible for benefits or not.
I'm so sorry you are enduring this stress but you need to work on getting facts. No one can force you to be a caregiver. No one can sue you. If you were not actually married then you have a "less complicated" way to exit, unless you have a lot of finances and assets tied together.
You may benefit from a consultation with an elder law attorney, not just for the situation with him but to plan for your own care as you will eventually need it.
Consider contacting your local Area Agency on Aging for resources and your county's social services to see if you qualify for any free in-home help.