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Been responsible for Mom for 36 years after my father died. Running the house for about 10 years, and she now has dementia for the last 5-6 years. Very stubborn and strong willed for 96. She is in rehab for a fall, and all her Doctors, PTs, Neurophysiology Dr. say she needs 24/7 assistance. She is adamant about her ability to stay at home. She hasn't done any shopping, banking, cleaning, laundry etc for at least 5 years, but she is living 15 years ago. We have signed up for a room in AL memory care. She needs to move in next week. She is furious! Of course she doesn't remember any of the meetings with staff, or the fact we have told her she needs care. We have to move a few of her things into her room to have an evaluation of her ability to be safe. I think taking her home to pick out a few things (and she has a house packed with her things) would be very painful for her. It will for me too. Any suggestions for a fairly smooth transition from rehab to memory care? I am afraid she may get physical about it. I know it is the best thing for her, not the best emotionally, and may relieve some of my burden. I am 73 and my health has suffered greatly from the care giving. This is painfully hard on me too. Any thoughts? Just pick the things I think she needs? Take or don't take her home? She has not been home for over 6 weeks.

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I moved my Mom into Memory Care after a lot of other changes had already gone on. I did not involve her in the packing or set up of her new place, did not involve her in the tour, none of it, because she would have refused. Denial is a place that she is in. Today at the neurologist office, when they ask her if she thinks she has any memory issues, she says, "No, I'm fine." (and yet her MRI scans shows moderate to severe brain damage/loss)

In fact, on the off-chance that she would remember me moving her into Memory Care, I didn't even take her there, I had someone else she knew take her, saying that I was out of town on a business trip.

When she got there, all her clothes were in the closets and drawers, her paintings and familiar knick nacks were there, and I felt like that was the kindest way for all of us to move her in. I also stayed away a full week.

About 8 months previous to that, both my Mom and her husband moved into Assisted Living, and that's when she left her house of 20 years behind. The move to Memory Care was probably not as traumatic given that she wasn't leaving behind familiar territory. Since your Mom hasn't been home in six weeks, it might actually be easier for her NOT to go back home first. Let us know how it goes.
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I had to do this after my moms last hospital stay. We did move her home first to senior living apartment but it became evident she needed a lot more care. She was living alone with daily visits from a caregiver. Her dementia is pretty bad but the new facility said she was not a flight risk and to start her in the Assisted Living side. I think it was a wise decision because she would feel out of place in memory care. Many residents there are very debilitated. Mom still sees herself as young and healthy:) The residents in AL have taken her under their wing and everyone has been very nice to her. But back to the move. I was so worried about how it would go. We told her she was moving but it really would not sink in. She stayed at my house with my daughter all day and we moved her stuff (or about 1/2 of it) into her new room. We tried to set it up as much as we could like her old apt. Hung her pictures the same etc. I did not for a minute consider letting her pick what she wanted or help pack up. It would have really freaked her out. It was a long day but when she got there she was not too disoriented. She accepted her new place pretty quickly. I guess in that way the disease is a blessing because I am sure now she doesn't remember her old apartment. (which she loved) she has been in new place for about three months. So my advice would be not to involve your mom in the move. In her cognitive state it would surely cause her a lot of distress. Good luck to you. I hope it works out!
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