I’m not sure whether my Mom needs assisted living or 24 hour care. Shes 91 with dementia and has a broken arm. She cannot care for herself at all right now. She just spent 20 days in rehab and is no further along in her healing. No Walking unassisted, eating, dressing or showering. As her daughter I’m trying to do everything; cook, clean, spend the night. Hospice is helping and I have siblings, but none of them are going to spend the night and change her diaper. I have a full time job and cannot sustain this care for her. She’s terribly afraid to be without me. I am terribly afraid of what kind of care she will get without me.
Some memory care ( in assisted living ) will provide your mother’s level of care , but usually only for a resident that came in initially needing less care . In other words , they keep those that came in initially walking and feeding themselves .
The end of life isn't pretty, isn't happy, isn't easy, isn't without pain, and no matter how much you try you cannot change that.
Assisted living is for those still somewhat able, with them mentation and ability to care somewhat for themselves. It isn't at all appropriate for your mother. She now requires a "Nursing Home", or what we call memory care, and higher level in long term care (LTC).
This transition will be difficult for you, and I would encourage you to make use of the internet for research and sites such as our own. And wish you the best of luck.
I'm sure there will indeed be heartbreak for both of you as you make the transition, but I found that my mother settled in fairly quickly and likely most of the heartache will be yours. Know that no place can care for her as well as you have, one on one loving care will almost always trump institutional care. But there were also aspects of nursing home life that were superior to life at home: an RN always available to spot trouble I would have missed, many hands to assist, the possibility of a real bath, appropriate meals 3 times a day (plus snacks). And I was able to sleep! And I could visit as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted. You can get through this ((hugs))
Or, use her funds to pay for more in-home aids to help you. But this will be very expensive.
I would now make sure she has all her legal ducks in a row before it's too late: assign a PoA for medical and financial, create a Advance Healthcare Directive (and/or POLST), write a Last Will, etc.
We helped my MIL transition into a reputable, faith-based AL, but not long after she needed LTC (in the same facility). She was there for 7 years on Medicaid and got excellent care. Please do a thorough search of your area to see if there are such places near you. You do not have to be a believer or a member of that denomination (at least my MIL did not). Only consider places that have Medicaid beds.
Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout will result. Your Mom may be afraid to be without you because it might be "shadowing", which a dementia-related behavior. Find a good LTC facility that accepts Medicaid, get her in on private pay and then when she's close to running out of money have her apply for Medicaid.