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Honey is thinking about checking out of hospital. I received a message from an end care manager at the hospital my honey is at. I returned the call and left a message. I also talked to my honey earlier. He has told me that they have determined he is too weak to be able to qualify for the rehab programs that they have. He could not tell me the details other than the fact that it still takes 3-4 people to get him up out of bed and the chair.


I told him that my understanding is that he will be there until they have been able to get the fluid down in his system. Now he is scared and ready to panic. He is talking about checking himself out of the hospital! I asked him how we are going to handle it here at home due to the fact that it takes 3-4 people to get him up there? That he needs to not make any decisions until I can talk with his doctors and the "case manager" (I did not say end of care manager). He told me he didn't know. I told him don't make any hasty decisions, let me find out what is going on. I will call them in the morning and we will talk about it when I come up tomorrow. He ended the conversation. I have left a message for his brother asking him to call me.

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Hi JoAnn... I sure hope so. I was supposed to go up today to see him, but had to wait on a package and just got it. Going to see him in the morning. Sure miss him.
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So glad it worked out! Maybe he will work harder to get home.
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Hi JoAnn... I agree. They are going to be transferring him to a skilled nursing/rehab center. He is on the edge of balking, but I am being firm about it. Since his meltdown the other day I have not been back up to the hospital though I have been talking with him by phone. I am touring the rehab center today and then will be going to see my honey.

We are not married (not even common law) and I am not responsible for his debts just as he is not responsible for mine. So I don't think that this will affect me financially. He is not on Medicaid right now. My goal is for him to get back to being self sufficient as he was prior to November and not totally incapacitated as he has been since April 1st so that I can bring him home. I love him and miss him, but as I have firmly told him I cannot care for him in the condition that he is in now as I am not physically able to do it so therefore he cannot come home. The rehab facility (it is more like a hotel) has accepted him. (Just found out) and he is being transferred today or tomorrow. He is on the fence about it. But I am excited as it means he is one step closer to coming home and being able to have some quality to his life. I talked with his case manager. He is moving and getting up much better now. They are just waiting on the doctor to see him to determine if he goes today or tomorrow to the new facility (not far from our home). He is on the fence about going but I will be loving but firm about it.
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If they can no longer care for him then he needs a nursing home. There is no way you or hired aids will be able to care for him. You need to personally go talk to the care manager. Explain that you physically cannot care for him or hire the needed people to get him in and out of bed. He needs more than you can give. Ask about Medicaid and how it will effect you. Ask about Hospice. You don't have to be dying to receive it. Be firm that he cannot come home. I wouldn't say anything to him until you have some answers. Then, let the care manager tell him he is being transferred to a facility to help him get stronger. Some NHs have rehabs. Let them be the bad guys. He also needs to understand you can no longer do it.
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Thanks Snoopy. it seem that most of what I have been doing since he went in the hospital is sleeping. Guess I was exhausted. Have a great night!
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Hi SueC….thank you for your post and information. I agree that he cannot come home with the condition that he is in and I may have to invoke the power of attorney. I have been his caregiver for 13 years since his strokes but his mobility was limited but not severe. Since the sudden onset of the edema, I have been caring for him and lifting him and my back is racked up. There is no way that I can bring him home. His brother and I just discussed a lift, but we also talked about the fact that if he is in that serious a condition..1. he needs to be under professional care and 2. I will in all likelihood have to return to work as I cannot lose my home if something happens to him. I have not been told he is terminal but with everything going on it is one of my fears (I try not to let him know that and it will devastate me if I lose him. He is my soul mate and my love though we are not married). In December they implanted a combined defibulator and pacemaker and then the severe edema hit around April 1st. He has had heart problems and other issues since 3 years after we got together. But this is very difficult. Strokes I can deal with but I am out of my element here. I am not sure how to comfort him and ease his fears.

I do not have the health myself to be able to care for him being totally dependent with severe mobility problems as I have had 12 strokes (2 major and 10 TIA’s), have epilepsy that is dormant, diabetic and with my back and hip issue. And I am smart enough to know it. My honey is scared and is just not thinking straight and is not thinking about how it will affect me if he tries to come home being so dependent. Before the edema he weighed 187… now at 236lbs and was higher before going into hospital. I have checked it out and we cannot afford to have a professional caregiver even with Medicare. I have been out of work since July of 2017.

I will find out more when I talk to the end care manager tomorrow and I am taking another copy of the medical power of attorney with me when I go to the hospital tomorrow. His brother and SIL may be coming up next week and will in all likelihood have a round table between the three of us. I will update as I know more.
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Dusti, hope you can get some rest tonight -- refresh and regroup for tomorrow. Thinking of you.
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Thanks DeeAnna… I agree and I have told him not to make any hasty decisions ...to wait until I can find out what is going on. I have talked to his brother and he agrees that with the condition that my honey is in he needs to stay under professional care and that there is no way I can lift him if it is taking 3-4 people there to do it. I will wait to see what is going on and may have to invoke the POA to get him the care he needs. I am keeping his brother in the loop and they may be coming in in a week and we will in all likelihood sit down and talk as a family. I will post updates as I know more. Have a great night and thanks again!
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"He has told me that they have determined he is too weak to be able to qualify for the rehab programs that they have. "

If your honey is too weak to QUALIFY for rehab, there is NO WAY he can go home. I hope you understand that you absolutely will not be able to care for him. You will ruin your back and possibly damage yourself for life.
He is not acting rationally and it's up to you to be the responsible one.

If I were you, I would tell him you will not agree to take him home. You'd be calling an ambulance or fire department within an hour of him being home. He will wind up in the hospital, then be transferred to a skilled nursing facility.

I was a hospital nurse for 27 years but that was 15 years ago. I'm not familiar with the term "end care manager" (my last gig was maternity) but I'd assume that it would be a professional who coordinates end of life care. Have you been told that your honey is terminal?

In any case, you must not try to care for a completely dependent person. It sounds like he needs the assistance of a nursing facility.

I'm sorry for both of you.
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According to your other posts, your honey does not cope well with hospitalizations or being sick and has been rather mean to you and others. So his threat of "checking himself out of the hospital" is one way of attempting to manipulate the situation which he does not have much control over.

In regards to "checking himself out of the hospital" and how it can affect him financially--If a person checks themselves out of an hospital AMA (Against Medical Advice), insurance companies have a tendency to NOT PAY for the hospitalization. So your honey may end up having to pay for his hospitalization instead of the insurance companies paying the bill. I don't know if telling him this information would encourage him to stay in the hospital or just upset him even more.

As to other concerns, the best thing your honey can do is NOT make any hasty decisions. I am glad that you are going to talk with the "end care manager" or "case manager" to clarify what options are available for your honey. We might be able to help you more once we know what options there are.
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