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I posted here a short while ago fearful about my mother's reaction to go to skilled nursing from her rehab. She weighs about 200 lbs. and cannot stand or walk after her stroke just 2 months ago. She is sometimes confused but now she is always angry ... but only at me. Prior to her stroke she lived in her own house. I went there everyday which is a big reason she could stay there alone at 93 years old. Now she wants me to take her back to her house. Just getting the equipment in there would be a problem. No room for a foley or wheelchair! And I cannot be there 24/7. But she tells me she can stay alone at night...we can work it out she says. Obviously, I did not take her home. Yesterday on the phone she said that she hates me. I am a nervous wreck . And I cannot handle her hating me. I keep searching my mind, wondering how I could take her home to her place. I just do not see how. And I do have a husband who kind of likes having me around.
Oh my. I guess there is no question here just a desperate plea for something?

Cranky kids always tell their parents they hate them when forced to do something they don't want to do. Seniors are the same way.
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I enlisted the help of a social worker today. I explained my pain caused by mom’s anger directed at me. The social worker and I had a wonderfully comforting and productive conversation. But the best thing that happen was that the SW went to my mothers room and put me on the speaker phone. The SW allowed me to speak to mom but of course was present the whole time. The SW told mom who was on the line and told her how I was a loving daughter who called to check on her. My conversation with my mother was short but wonderfully positive. If you can make this happen, I highly recommend it. Now, I do not know what the next call will bring but for now I am one happy daughter! Good luck!
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Please take a break from your mother, not forever, but at least a week or so. She needs to calm down and you need the time to get perspective and regain knowing you’ve done your best for her. Even if she remains angry you’ve done nothing wrong and know she’s blessed that you’ve looked out for her best interests. Don’t discuss her going home, at all! She needs the message by your silence on the subject that it’s off the table. Enjoy the time with your husband!
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Debbie17 Apr 15, 2020
Good advice. I think I will take a small break although not a week. I think maybe it is what we both need!
Thank you!
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There is no way for her to go home. She is 93. Get her a palliative care consult and a geriatric psych consult.

If she truly hates you then bringing her home isn't going to change that. Hate isn't a switch one can just flip on and off. I suspect that she doesn't hate you. I'm guessing that was her last ditch effort to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. But all rational people, including you, see clearly that her going home is the wrong thing for her.

Stand up to your mother. When you speak to her next I urge you to call her out on her hateful and hurtful words.
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Debbie17 Apr 15, 2020
Yes, I will not accept her speaking to me in that way again without telling her it is hurtful and cruel. Thank you.
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Please don't feel guilty. YOU are the parent now, doing what needs to be done. You want the best for your mom, don't you? Of course. There is no way you can supply 24/7 care. A facility should have someone able to check on your mom every 2 hours at night, while the employee is already awake, on the clock. You cannot be available, awake, and on the clock 24/7.
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Debbie17 Apr 15, 2020
Yes!!!!
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The hate is temporary - agree. Redirect it. When she says it's your fault - blame the stroke. The STROKE did this - I hate it too.

Emotional lability can happen after stroke. Definition: Emotional lability refers to rapid, often exaggerated changes in mood, where strong emotions or feelings (uncontrollable laughing or crying, or heightened irritability or temper) occur. These very strong emotions are sometimes expressed in a way that is greater than the person's emotions.

Hopefully with a bit of time she will know you are on her side. Try hugs or hand holding (if she allows it) every visit. ((Hugs to you)).
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Debbie17 Apr 15, 2020
Will have to read more about emotional lability. Thank you. Actually, I think thus covid-19 has made communication very difficult with doctors and or nurses. Time for my own research!
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Dogparkmomma, this lady cannot stand or walk *at the moment*.

That is no reason to decide that she will never stand or walk again. It is no reason to decide that she must be consigned to 24/7 care in a facility and refuse to consider alternatives.

Writing people off is wrong.
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worriedinCali Apr 14, 2020
CM....lets be realistic here. She’s 93,
overweight and had a stroke. Shes not going to walk again. No one is saying to write her off here. She was living alone but being propped up by the OP prior to the stroke. Hence the OP saying the only reason her mother was able to stay at home is because she went there daily. She also says there is no room for the equipment her mother requires. Her mother is exactly where she needs to be. The days of living at home with family propping her up while she plays the charade of independence are over. The OP cannot provide the the level of care she needs and the state isn’t going to provide 24/7 caregivers or a live in caregiver.
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Remember that hate is temporary. If someone is not in their right mind, they maybe stuck in that mode for quite some time. It will take time to adjust and readjust for the both of you. You did the right thing, you have to save yourself as well. Do not feel guilty, thanks for sharing. Prayers for you both and a big cyber hug.
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Debbie17 Apr 15, 2020
Thank you
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Oh I don't know - we have plenty of post-stroke and other non-mobilising clients living at home, most with spouses (often almost equally disabled) but some alone. I still feel a pang when I lock their front doors and think they're on their own until first call next morning :/

[Confession - I have been known to delay bed calls until the very latest I can get away with, but this tends to land me in trouble with my Shift Leader, and besides stroke patients tire readily and often do want to get to bed earlier]

They have alert pendants in case of emergency, they have everything needed to hand, and we've made them as comfortable as they can be made overnight anyway.

What is really lovely is seeing how quick recovery can become once it's under way, even after the slowest of starts. The lady I met ?three weeks ago, who on my first visit I found on her bedroom floor where she'd been lying for two hours, stuck on her back like a little beetle in pyjamas - the day before yesterday that same lady was scampering around her house using a walking frame, arguing about advice not to go out to her utility room yet because of the steps, and operating her stair lift without even having to pause for breath in her conversation to think what she was doing. She's not 93 but she's not very much younger. Nor much thinner, now I come to think of it!

Debbie, you won't let that NH disable your mother by giving her too much support for tasks she should be encouraged to try, will you. You can wash your hands? - good, now try your face. Your face and neck. Your face and neck and chest. Chest and underarms. Here's a long-handled sponge, see how much of your back you can reach with it...
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dogparkmomma Apr 14, 2020
The lady you describe as scampering around her house arguing about going down to the utility room may well be found at the bottom of the stairs soon. Stroke recovery depends in part to the location of the stroke. Even people with no obvious residual may have brain impairment which causes poor judgement, lack of insight and impulsivity. This lady cannot stand or walk. Her daughter had already been the only reason she could live alone before the stroke. Now she cannot move on her own and needs to stay in a facility for her safety and for the safety and sanity of her daughter.
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Yes it is so hard to live with your decision. Heart wrenching sad.
Stick to your guns. As CM said post stroke patients can be moody due to the CVA. It’s not realistic that you can take care of her needs without harming yourself physically.
The “I hate you” from your mother is like a stab in your heart. But, she is lashing out at you due to her frustration as she is probably coming to the realization of her limitations.
Stroke patients can be difficult to care for due to not knowing their limitations and thinking they can do more. Don’t learn this the hard way, meaning you’ve let mom come home and you are helping her with a transfer from her seat to a commode 3 ft away and in the middle of the transfer you realize mom can’t or forgot how to pivot. In that a split second you are figuring out how you are going to get your mom to the floor safely without hurting your back.
Your mother’s needs have dramatically changed. It’s sad but true. She needs 24/7 care & you can’t provide it. Unless mom has lots of money to spend on in home aides 24/7 too.
Hang in there, Debbie. Think Safety!
You are not alone, that’s for sure. Many of us have been there.
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Beatty Apr 14, 2020
You must have been there to know this.

Have twice now had my Mother decide to show off her improved walking by standing up from her wheelchair & take steps forward. One time with a hand rail, but the other she forgot she did not have her new walking stick. Split second spent trying to work out what part of her to grab, to try to keep her up or whether going down was a better option.

This was as a visitor. I can't imagine if that was my 24/7 caring role.
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a friend told me... Make sure her diaper is changed on a regular basis... If that means, you need to check.. then check it... Yes, feel the diaper.. is it wet? Then you need to change it... You do not want UTI... or pressure sores...
MOM DOES NOT HATE YOU... SHE IS SCARED ..... MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS YOU ARE NOT LEAVING HER...
She is basically bed bound, from what I just read again.. Make sure she is not laying the in same position.. Tell her that her doctor says her diaper needs to be changed every 4 hours.. :::?? ish? 4 times a day? Ask her doctor...
ABRI FORMS L-4 are great.. the really absorb...No issues with diaper rash/bedsores.... So look them up... and maybe just get these for night time use...
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Two months is still early days after a stroke, you know; and I think that's one thing, at least, that you can usefully point out to your mother. Along the lines of "let's see where we are at the end of July. Work hard, and who knows?"

Hearing that your mother hates you is rough on anyone, even the toughest cookie :) But there are many reasons why you should disregard it, not least that depression, low mood and anger are common consequences of stroke; so they are part of your mother's medical condition rather than an expression of her true feelings. Your mother IS hating - she hates the situation she finds herself in. She can't say "I hate everything!" and have it make any sense to her, so instead... she says she hates you. But actually, it isn't you. It's the situation.

What sort of house does she live in that doesn't have room for a hoist or a wheelchair? Could you sell it and get her another?

No, you couldn't be there 24/7. But that doesn't mean she couldn't be cared for at home (just hypothetically, you understand).

The reason for continuing to consider alternatives to the NH are:

It's not impossible you'll find a good one!
It gives you opportunities for a wider-ranging conversation with your mother, and not just constant opposition to what she says she wants
At the very least, you will know in your own mind that you genuinely have explored the possibilities, even if you don't find a better solution because there isn't one.

And one little mental comfort blanket to keep strictly to yourself: it isn't your fault that your mother weighs 200lbs. Is it, now.
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Shane1124 Apr 14, 2020
Very well stated CM!
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CONGRATULATIONS !!!! YOU HAVE JUST JOINED THE CLUB :) !!! HAPPY happy happy

She is 93.... It is a hard move... and she is most likely saying she is better at home by herself than THERE...
She doesn't hate you.. Her independence is slipping away. She is well aware of it. That is the scariest part of this journey.... Hopefully you are close enough to stop by anytime you like.... Play her favorite music, feed her milkshakes, etc.
I will not and cannot sugarcoat it...give her a couple weeks to acclimate to her new surroundings....
so, go visit when you can... MAKE AN EXCUSE WHY YOU CANNOT STAY...Sorry mom,,, can't stay... got to get to bank before it closes... The drycleaners, hubby called, got to help him change out a light bulb... Don't mention the word "home".. That may be a trigger.. .just thought of that now.. 2 years after my mom's passing... oops... gotto get to library.. the book is overdue.
Need to watch the weather channel, mom.. Or just keep it simple.. SIMPLE IS GOOD: You when dinner is being served.. and say, Mom that looks and smells so good, may I try it? Confirm it is tasty... OR MOST L.IKELY KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE... MOM, you look great.. I will see you in a couple of days... LOVE YOU.
It is so hard when you are the only one...
Give yourself a pat on the back.. be good you her and you...when you visit, play her music, tv shows, read her favorite books,, puzzles, etc..
BE HAPPY AROUND HER.. INCLUDE HER CARETAKERS, ETC.
Are you in a = 6 pack, 2 caretakers, and 6 residents,
or a micro community over 20 people residents?
She should be in close distance to you.. within 1 - 10 miles of you... Hopefully closer to 2 miles...
Bring caretakers and residents treats... hard now with COVID... but when this calms down.. get to know the caretakers. their names, and what they like and what they know about mom... tape up pictures old and new of mom, her hobbies, etc..
And lastly...her directives.. POLST.. her doctor's, phone number, yours, and relative nearby... make it clear.. and noticeable.. If she has a DNR in place, make sure it's in a visible place.. like polst should be too... make sure your name and phone number is clear and on the board.
If you have concerns about her, make a note. and do ask...do not get intimated by anyone, she is your mom. Do be her sounding board... If she looks or asks anything, make sure you forward that concern to her caretakers.
UTI's? Sure you have heard about them... very very common... look it up, the symptoms, cures, etc.
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Oh I’m so sorry. I’m going through the same thing. I had to place mom in a care facility because there was no way to care for her at home anymore. She says she hates me and won’t speak to me and it is heartbreaking. I don’t have any answers for you. Just know you aren’t alone.
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