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Ha! just saw a post from loonetoons he feels guilty because he did something bad to get help in caring for his mum!! What have any of you done that you may or may not feel guilty about??

ME well ive been a bit bad I put my mums incontinence pads (soiled of course) around my sisters room when she visited so she could see what its like to have to pick them up and bin them!!!! BUT i do not feel guilty! hee! hee!

Hoping shed feel sorry for me and help out more??? EH NO it didnt make any difference go figure?

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Raven if she has assests use her money to hire help nothing gets sibs to lend a hand if they see their inheritance going away-which they feel entitled to have without lifting a finger-if you are getting room and board figure out how much work you should do saying care would cost her about 30 dollars n hour and only do that much -your sister should do at least that much also-your sibs should contribute money or time to her care. Let us know how it goes your example will help others.
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In answer to the top question -- I have never done anything bad to get someone to help. I am afraid nothing at all will ever get that accomplished. Hubby and I do joke that we may take mom on a road trip to visit the sibs and leave mom with them for a 'short visit' while we take a few days to sight see and then NOT go back for her and have a certified letter arrive the day after we leave saying 'have fun.' But, we won't do that either. But we do get a laugh about of what we think they would do, ha ha ha. Ya laugh or you cry and sometimes we choose to laugh.
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Raven1 - you are 100% correct. My hubby's youngest sibling came last week for a yearly 2 hour visit while returning home from one of their many trips. The short visit placates the conscience for another year. Never ever makes an offer to help in ANY way and hasn't in the 8 years we have cared for their mother.

So often we see on this forum that all you need to do is ask for help, be specific with your requests, keep the family in the loop, etc. HOGWASH. The vast majority of care givers are on their own - other siblings are very happy to sacrifice them to the care of their parent(s) and feel no guilt whatsoever for not caring at all - for you or their parent.

One of these days the good old 'big brother' WILL force elder care onto the kids and grandkids - once the money runs out and that is just around the corner. Even then, it will end up being just one kids who does it all :0( I think I am jaded.................. sorry.
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Remember - 'if it is to be - it is up to me.' Any changes must start with you and why you feel it is ok to continue to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. I think most of us care givers end up crashing and burning before we finally realize it is up to us to initiate change. Does your sister contribute to the household financially? That is the least she should do. Do what you need to do. I hope it works out well. When I crashed last summer - I set boudaries and they are still in place and I am doing 'fairly' well. I long for my freedom - as most long time care givers do. I have taken some of my life back. I have finally put myself on the 'list' of people who need to be cared for. But, sadly, I had to get to the point that I thought I might die before I did it. :0( Don't wait that long. Take care of yourself too.
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Thank you Kazzaa, I appreciate your kinds words. I am trying to think of a "nice" way of telling her that she is going to have to start sharing more of the burden. When she is approached it normally turns into an argument so I have to be in a calm mood myself and figure out the "right time" to hit her up. I think for her at least she feels that since Mom gave me her POA then she can just dump EVERYTHING in my lap as torture. I have reached my limit however and this has got to stop!
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Gosh raven I am shocked that your sister LIVES with you and your mum and does nothing? If I were you I would lay down the law a bit and just take off at weekends whats the worst that can happen your sister will starve your mum? My situation is bad enough but they dont live here if I had a sister living here she would help or id leave? does she even pay a bit for your mums care? I would demand it I just cant beleive her how unbelievably selfish. Book a weekend away AND GO! My sister paid for my meal out once here and I let her I didnt even say thanks i thought a small gester after me looking after HER mum 24/7 they have no idea the stress they cause us when this is all over I will have no more contact with them although I have to say i have a VERY supportive brother in uk he cant really help much as hes no job and cant get home as much as hed like so am grateful I have a least one sibling who cares a damn about me and my stress! Poor you it must be living ina nightmare you should really make your sister do things make a list OR get prices printed out of how much it actually costs to get paid help for your mum and tell her to divvy up!! Am in shock i would just have to leave if I was in that situation its so unfair my sister thinks that because im here not paying rent that I SHOULD BE LOOKING AFTER MUM?? i pay half the shopping and bills and am not working so I do more than my share on a state welfare. She was home last week and said "its great YOURE on a forum"???????????????? I know make your blood boil!!!! Big Hug and please take yourself off somewhere and dont take any crap from them!!
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I am the 24/7 care giver and I cannot think of anything mean or "a bit bad" that I have done to my siblings to try and elicit help from them. It is very frustrating to know that I have basically given up my life and my financial welfare to care for OUR mother and I never even get a simple "Thank You," much less an offer of help. I have one sibling who lives in the house with me and Mom and she honestly may help 5% of the time if that. I would appreciate someone cooking a meal once or twice a week, vacuuming for me, cleaning the bathrooms, doing some laundry, feeding the dog and bathing her, helping bathe Mom, empty the trash cans, fix something when its broken, clean up something when its soiled.

But they live their lives, go to work and make a salary, have a pension and 401K, they are building their social security, they have good medical insurance. They have an opportunity to spend time with other ladies and gentlemen and have conversations, eat out, come home 4 to 5 hours after their quitting time (so they don't have to do anything) by then Mom has been fed and the dishes cleaned up so they can come eat without fear of having any duties of any kind.

I am treated badly just because I want or need to take off one day on the weekend or because I may want to take a two week vacation during the summer. Siblings who do not help with the care of their parents are a disgrace to their family and themselves. There are times that many of us have wished there was a way to make them have to legally give of their time, energy and money to assist with parents who are ill but that is not the case. We therefore remain the caregivers of our parents while they remain thankful that they do not have to be.
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Most family members, especially siblings, are keenly aware (more than we think) of the responsibilities they avoid. I believe that, for the most part, they rationalize their way out of feeling guilty. Your approach was a good effort to raise awareness; however, I feel it also serves to increase your frustration level, especially when there are no positive results.

As difficult as it is to know that you have a brother or sister who should contribute to caregiving in some way, self-reliance is a practical approach and does not elevate frustration (and other negative feelings) as much. In my caregiving experience, I sorted through all of these feelings, ending up with this conclusion.
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I've lived with my mom for 9 years and she's depended on me for everything and blames for not doing anything right. Since she complained about my cooking, we got Meals on Wheels so she can complain about them. She complained about my housekeeping so I hired a maid so she complains about them. She doesn't want me to leave the house because she's afraid to stay alone so I hired Comfort Keepers companion service for times when I must attend classes. They bathe her and do light housekeeping or just keep her company while I'm away. I even use them for my one BINGO day of the week. Mom used to hate when I'd leave for something pleasurable but now she's used to it and even jokes about rubbing good luck on me before I leave. It takes awhile for them to get accustomed to new ideas and routines.
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