What have you done to calm your anxiety when your loved one has entered a hospice facility?

Needhelpwithmom, that’s great to hear!!! Continuing prayers to you and your family.

Hi, Elaine

I went this morning to see her. I brought her ice cream. She loves her ice cream!

She was awake and happy to see me. My brother was there too.

She’s calm. The meds (Seroquel and Ativan) are helping.

My nephew sent a beautiful spring bouquet for her. She smiled when they were delivered.

Thanks so much for thoughts and prayers. Please keep prayers coming our way.

Needhelpwithmom, how is your mom doing today? Did you get to talk to her? Any updates? Thinking of you and prayers going out to you and your mother. Big hugs to you.

Thanks, NotGoodEnough.

I don’t think it’s weird. I talk to my dad. I was grown with my two daughters when he died. He was the best grandfather that I could ever ask for.

You were so young to lose your dad.

You’re right, our relationship with our moms are very different!

I like what your sister says.

Thanks for reaching out.

It's a daunting thought, becoming an "orphan" so to speak.

I was very young when my dad died - 15, actually. So it was a different grieving process when my mom died. I was still sad, but I think it was easier to "accept". Not that death is ever EASY to accept, it was just EASIER. With my dad, it was a more the loss of his physical presence, if you can get my meaning; with mom, it's more emotional. I don't remember ever feeling "wow, I can't wait to tell dad..." after he passed, it was more missing his presence coming in after work, having dinner, sitting around watching TV, that sort of stuff. But that's my own kid's view of a parental relationship. I had a much more "adult" relationship with my mom when she passed, which I guess makes sense because I am an adult (at least most of the time!!).

I find myself, when I go up into "her" apartment (I have a 2 family home) telling her what I'm doing up there, just as I did when she was alive ("hey, mom, I'm just throwing stuff in your fridge; hey mom, I'm going to use your bathroom if you don't mind"). Sometimes it feels weird to do that; other times I sense her presence so clearly that it doesn't seem weird at all.

I think the hardest part - Since my mom was the eldest of her family, and she lived the closest (in distance) to her parents, she was responsible for their estates as well as my dad's. So now, as I go through her things, I'm finding stuff of my dad's (I found his wallet the other day, tucked away in a drawer in mom's bedroom - that was tough) as well as stuff of my grandparents, so it's been taking an emotional toll on me. Fortunately, since she lived in my home, there's no rush to get everything emptied out and disposed of, one way or the other; I can take my time, and when it feels overwhelming, I can leave it for another day.

NHWM, you have been on my mind since you posted about mom in hospice. I don't think anyone grieves the same way from one person's passing to another, just based on ages/relationships/illnesses, etc. You gotta feel what you feel until you don't feel it anymore (this is my sister's advice to me, and it helps!). My hope for you is that you can come to some modicum of peace as you all go through this next phase of your lives; and of course, you're in my prayers. Many hugs!

Disturbing dream last night. 😞

Hugs, Need. Just hugs. [I think the answers take years to figure out!]

Most hospice settings are very good places to be. Tranquil - and happy, curiously enough. Not so much the end of the line as a departure lounge, I suppose, is one way to look at it.

The people there are keeping you in close touch, are they?

I don't think it's silly for you to be questioning things, not at all. I wonder how I will deal with losing my mother when the time comes. After all these years of daily interaction, of arranging her life, her care, her clothing, her finances, her questions......everything. To go from constant worrying and anxiety to nothing. How will it feel? I don't know. I know part of me will feel relieved she's out of pain and misery, but part of me will feel alone. But part of me has ALWAYS felt alone on this earth, so that will be nothing new. I often ponder these questions myself, and have done so for years now.

I know I don't fear death, and feel certain she'll be reunited with her mama, papa, and siblings she's constantly talking about lately. That will be a wonderful reunion. Dad I'm not so sure about....lol. 68 years of marriage and she never speaks of him, no photos of him in her room, nothing. I just hope she's civil to him when the day does come. 😮

I guess it's impossible to know how we'll react until the time comes. So in the meantime, let's just enjoy the good moments we do have with our mothers in the here and now, I suppose.

Needhelpwithmom, I am so sorry your mom is in hospice. They truly are wonderful. They helped my mother n law and father. My own mother had end of life care at the hospital.

Losing both parents I feel like an orphan. I have good days and bad days. I’m glad I came right back to this forum because it has helped me so much.

You are a wonderful daughter, you are a caring person. It’s so nice you can be with her at the end.

I held my mothers hand and told her I loved her. They gave her morphine at the end so she did not suffer.

Praying for you and your mom during this difficult , emotional time.Take care and hugs to you!! We all care!!

I think that we all handle grief differently. I am an atheist, so for me it is that I have this one life. That my parents had one life, that my brother did. My favorite quote is one from Annie Dillard that is : "We live our lives as though hundreds of thousands of generations were not here before us, and as though there were not hundreds of thousands of generations yet to come". So for me I have always had a deep acceptance that we have birth, our lives, and then we pass and other generations follow us. As a nurse I came to fear death even less, and to fear only suffering. So that, when my parents passed, having lived good long lives, and having all settled in their hearts and minds with their loved ones, there was more or less relief that there would be no suffering and no further losses for them. The same for my brother who was my best man, my Hansel to his Gretel in the dark forests of our lives. He died last May. I so miss our letter, our laughter together, our talks. But I am so at peace that he will not suffer. And for myself, at 79 this year, I am so ready, and have been for some time. I fear only loss, only being a burden. Death I do not fear.
Each of us has an individual perspective on things. I greatly feared the loss of my bro, my last touchstone on our family history. But seeing him my last trip, our talk of his fears of his diagnosis of probably early Lewy's Dementia and what it would mean for us, for our losses as it progressed, I came home and said to my partner, "I once feared the loss of D. Now I fear only that he will not go before having to sustain further losses; I cannot bear the thought of any indignities for him".
I wish you the best. You are thoughtful, loving, giving and you clearly have been a great source of comfort and joy to your Mom. You have even talked. So many of my patients talked to ME, their nurse, saying they could not talk to families.
May your Mom now be in peace with no suffering; thank goodness for Hospice. How lucky she was in having you. Knowing my bond of love with my daughters makes me sympathize with your own.

NHWM, my heart goes out to you during this time. I could write you a book on what’s it like to lose your last parent. First, I’ll say your mom and my dad had some things in common and it’s sweet to have you tell this. My dad lived 14 years past my mom, each night he kissed her pillow and told her he loved her. He could never sleep on “her side” of the bed. He also never wanted to live to 100, he’d had too many losses, both people and his abilities, to want that. I cared for him in his home through the hospice experience. He only lasted about a month once he decided on hospice. I just told my hubby yesterday that I have a lot of upsetting memories of this time and I’m not sure how to process it all. So I’m grateful that your mom is in a good hospice facility, it’s kinder to you not to witness every moment of her final journey. A kind hospice nurse told me the day before my dad died that in many ways he was already gone, it was just taking his body a while to get the message. It was very true. I’ve lost any inclination toward believing it’s important to be there when someone dies, with both my parents I saw clearly that they were on a journey that was solo and couldn’t be shared. Seeing my dad actually die was ........... I’m not sure I have words. I hope you won’t feel bad or like it’s crucial to be there for the moment, it’s so hard. I feel privileged to have taken care of dad in his final days, wouldn’t change it, but it’s taken a toll. When you lose your last parent, the last person you knew you from your start is gone. There’s a realization that you can’t go to them anymore, in a different way if that makes sense. I’ve found some old photos that we’ll never know who was in them, I’ve thought of questions I can’t ask anymore, there’s a connection that’s permanently lost. Dad was also much of the glue that kept me in touch with my siblings, we aren’t real close and he was the one we discussed and who kept us informed on each other. At the same time of feeling all this, there’s also gratitude that my parents aren’t suffering any longer. Both of their lives had become unbearably difficult and I wouldn’t wish on them to still be here miserable. It’s comforting to know they are feel of worries and pain, and yes together again. Your age doesn’t matter, the feelings are still the same. I pray you’ll have peace, calm, and comfort through this. Your mom has been so blessed by you, I’m sure she knows your love