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I have depression--it causes me to become fixated on various things. Here is the latest. I have a 1/5 chance of dying before my mother. Well, after that, who looks after her? Who looks after my daughters? Does anyone else obsess over this? Has anyone found an answer?

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Dear meallen,

I know you are going through a lot and there is a lot on your shoulders. Maybe a social worker might be able to help ease your mind. Or having some legal papers drawn up. I hope a trusted friend or family member will come forward to act on your behalf and support your daughters if that were to happen.

Thinking of you.
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OMG- meallan, I see now why you worry. So sorry for you situation.
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I am very lucky to have life insurance through my job, which will pay out even when I am retired once I get my 25 years in. I have 15 so far. If I die while still working in this job, it pays out no matter how long I have worked. My older daughter is 20, and right now is at college, though has been in and out of metal hospitals since she was 9. She's been stable on drugs for four years. There is a very good chance she will be fine, though never able to drive. If not, I have a back up on the DPOA. There is also 100,000 that will be in trust for her, and the same amount for her sister. Her sister, 18, has a number of medical and cognitive difficulties. As of now, the back up plan is a group home, but it is very likely she will progress to the point where she could share an apartment with another woman under minimal supervision, provided by the state. She too, will never drive, though the hope is she will have some sort of job and transportation provided. I have just started getting DDD and SSI sorted for her.

In theory, it sounds fine. In practice, I can't imagine them managing without me.
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meallen- I saw in your profile that your mother is 82. She's lived her life. If anything happens to you, she will be cared for by someone else, be that your siblings, or relatives, or if none, then the state will step in and send her to a nursing home or an appropriate place to care for her.

Your biggest concern should be your children. How old are they? Are they adults and independent? If so, then you don't have to worry about them. You've done your job as a parent. If your children are minor, it is IMPERATIVE that you have life insurance for yourself with them as the beneficiaries, so that if you die, they have money for food for rent, or pay off the mortgage, and money to go to college. My husband and I both have $500,000 TERM life insurance policies which will be in effect until our kids are in their mid 20s when they are old enough and should have a job to support themselves. Don't buy WHOLE life insurance, it's expensive and not necessary. It's TERM life insurance that you need. Also, name someone you trust to be a guardian for your children if you die when they are still minors.
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Please try to find some help.
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Yeah I wonder.. Less and less am I worried as my useless siblings will have to do something for once.

I tried to reach out and explain I am having burnout and depressed - nnow experiencing chest pains - they all ridiculed me and empathized w my poor parents having to be old and me as the useless caregiver - indicating I am trying to elicit sympathy where none is warranted.

I am sick of hearing social media urging the depressed to ask for help because many have been shamed or guilted to ask for help. I speak up and I get chastised.

My heart goes out to you as I truly empathize - hugs
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Thanks. I have both a therapist and a psychiatrist. Now I'll get a lawyer on board. Much better than worrying.
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Are you under the care of a therapist? If not, you might want to consider asking your PCP for a referral. As for who will care for your loved ones if you should pass unexpectedly, these are things your can speak to a lawyer about to set your mind at ease.
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