What happens when a sibling only cares about inheritance that they're going to get after parent dies?

This hits kinda close to home:

We just bought a house that had been the home of an elderly gentleman who passed away last summer. I guess his 7 kids and multiple grands and nieces and nephews pretty much used him as a walking ATM. (As I am spending more time at the house meeting with contractors and stuff, neighbors are coming by to meet me and chat and my heart aches for this gentleman whom, I guess, just couldn't say no to his family.)

We bought the house and after we closed on it, they read the will. This wise man left not one dollar to his family-he left it all to the church he loved and served in for 80 years. I guess he changed his will in the last few months of his life, he was perfectly healthy and of sound mind.

The ONE relative we spoke to said the family was beyond furious as he had millions of dollars. I guess he got the final say.

One should NEVER expect an inheritance. Never.

You are of course doing the caregiving, so it is questionable to me that the brother is the POA. But I do hope you are a functioning unit together on this, and that when Dad cannot be cared for at home any longer that you will place him for his best way of getting the 24/7 care he requires. As to the sister, it is beyond me why someone did not point out to her at the time she had a case of diarrhea of the mouth that she sounds mercenary and should be ashamed of herself.
Given she has "given herself away" you and the POA brother need to understand it is crucial you keep meticulous records of your costs and that you get reimbursed for the care you are giving . See an elder law attorney to work out a contract that the mercenaries in the family cannot question. Do not discuss things with the mercenaries. They have shown you who they are; believe them.

Your sister is entitled to her mercenary feelings; nothing you can do to change that. She should also understand that her father's money is HIS money and nobody's 'inheritance' until he's dead & buried. That said, your father's money should be used for his care and well being and to reimburse YOU for his board and care in your home, in reality. If dad winds up needing managed care like a nursing home at some point, then so be it. Your sister doesn't want him going into managed care b/c 'they have no compassion in a nursing home' or b/c 'she'll end up with nothing' if he has to use his OWN money to pay for said care?

Sounds like she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.

If dad's needs wind up becoming too great for you to deal with at home, his wishes AND your sister's wishes will have to be overlooked in favor of getting him the proper care he needs. The realities of life sometimes interfere with one's wishes & desires, isn't that the truth?

Good luck to you!

First of all if you are taking care of dad full time you are entitled to be be financially compensated for this. Please consult an elder care lawyer so you are aware of your rights especially that you receive no help from siblings. I thought that was terrible to do but am glad I did for the same reasons you described. Even one sibling wanted money before he passed.

You can tell your sister she's right: there might not be any money left for her. Too bad. Dad's money goes first to his care whether in your home or in a care facility. You did not say anything about your sister offering to take over father's care. Her attitude about money would make her a poor choice for caregiving. She would only be looking at how little of Dad's money would be spent on good care.

Sounds like my sister, my parents money is for their end of life. Not to pay off your mortgages and son’s college and rehab. I have no debt and I’ll be punished for that after my mother dies.

Do what is necessary for your father's health and safety. His money is there to use for his care first. If you are bold, tell your sister that his money is for his care first and inheritance - if any is left - after he passes. She should look for other sources of income. Also, please make sure to use his resources first for his care. If he runs out of funds, help him apply for Medicaid.

TheMissus; I have to say that I think that there is a bit of "family culture" here. I grew up with cousins whose family chatter was all about how much dear gramma was worth, and how everone needed to be nice to her so they'd get her money. (PS, she actually had no money, so the joke was on them).

In contrast, my brothers and I received constant messaging from my parents that they intended to spend anything they had on themselves and that were not to think about any inheritance.

It worked.

We were able to work together to get my mom the best care she could afford without us thinking about our financial situations, since we all had our own careers and lived within our means.

That's a powerful gift to give kids.

First of all if you are the one who is the caregiver to your father and he lives with you. Your sister and brother as well should be informed that their potential inheritance will be far less than they may be expecting even if your father stays out of facility care.
You are the one who should be getting the lion's share of an inheritance because you're the one doing all the work and you took him in.
However your sister is right about all the money getting eaten up if your father goes into facility care. That will happen unless all of his property, bank accounts, and assets are out of his name for at least the last five years. Or unless he has a good long-term care policy.
Your sister isn't entirely wrong about there being a lack of compassion in nursing homes. She's not exactly right either. I've known many top-shelf nursing home CNA's whose pay was crap but went the extra mile every day for the residents. Care facilities are always understaffed when it comes to CNA staff and they are the people who actually take care of the residents. These days when a family has an elder in a nursing home they hire their own private-pay aides to do ADL's like feeding, personal care, dressing, and companionship because there isn't enough aide staff to give each resident their undivided attention. Your sister should know about this. That people make all kinds of arrangements when their loved one goes into a facility.

I see this happening all of the time - it never stops. Any sibling who bears the maximum or all of the responsibility should definitely be entitled to more money if there is any. Second, the money belongs to the sick person and theoretically it should be there for their care. However, I understand why people rebel when you see the thousands of dollars spent on care mostly and for what. The fees are insane and the money just goes, goes, goes - but what is the solution? Perhaps people need to give some money away while things are good and they still have it. I don't know. I became disabled, lost l00% of everything I ever had and I have never been able to accept this way of life. But what could I do? As to the relationship with siblings, if you are doing it all, I would first speak with an eldercare attorney to make sure everything is in perfect order and you are doing it all the right way. Second, as far as siblings who simply refuse to help and care only about money, walk away from them. They are not worth it being in the family. Leave them behind to fend for themselves and move on.