What happens if the hospital can’t calm a combative dementia patient down?

I liked that you acknowledge that you are trying your best. That is all required of you. After that, have some kindness towards yourself. Sometimes, there are situations which have no easy solution. Some of our parents have created their own karmic situations and no one can take away what they need to go through. Hard to realize, but never the less true.

So, acknowledge that you are doing all that is possible, and return to your own life and peace within.....and that, takes real effort for many of us as it is where our own growth hides.

Thank you Balance, unfortunately I wish it was as easy as hearing my voice to calm her but usually she just yelled and screamed at me. When i didn’t do what she wanted I was a callous b**ch like “these people” (the nurses). I’m trying my best but we haven’t always had the best relationship because of her narcissism & mental health issues in the past. I’m all she has left though. Some nurses and social workers are better than others and I pray I have a team that can understand my situation with not living here and help me help her.

When Mom went into an assisted nursing home/memory care facility, my husband and I had already witnessed and experienced months of her stress, fear and delusions since she lived with us for more than 5 years. We had a way to calm her down, offering understanding and patience and letting her know that everything would be okay. It was not easy but doable most of the time.

After the first month in the facility, the nursing staff was not able to calm her down - talk her down - and they would call me as they did not know what to do when she stood by the elevator door letting them know I was downstairs waiting for her to take her home. (I was not there, and she was in a secured floor at that time.)

They suggested I talk to her immediately by phone to see if I could help, as they had no clue. And although by the time I was called, Mom had already been in that anxious state for an hour or 2, we all found out that by reconnecting to me or my husband - voices which she knew cared and loved her - she accepted the new reality that she was now in a nursing home. She would then calm down and ask me, "Then, should I go back to my room?' and, although it broke my heart, I would say, 'Yes, mom. That is right. Return to your room and I can call you there to say hello.'

l learned early on that Mom continued to need our voice when she 'lost it.' Seemingly, we calmed her fears most of the time as she trusted us.

After this first event at the facility, the nurses gladly called me immediately so that Mom did not have to suffer hours of anxiety. They then knew what worked for her, and I gave them permission not to wait so long to call me or my husband when it happened next time. Little by little, mom adjusted to her new reality. Now she just asks me, 'when can I come home?' without the emotional outbursts. (Thought it still breaks my heart to answer her.)

I realized then that between the nursing staff, CNAs, social worker and us, we made up Mom's support team. And, we all welcomed each other's help without having to give her calming meds....as I knew she did not want them.

This way of resolving that issue may not work for all, and certainly it takes time and patience. But if you have that, and have an open nursing staff who will work with you for the best of the resident, then you are lucky and so is your loved one.

GladImhere, thank you. I know it’s scary for her. It’s scary for me too because I feel helpless & it’s so hard to see her like this. My mom has always been strong willed but this is beyond anything I’ve seen. I’m trusting our medical system but they have failed me in the past. I also don’t think social workers do everything they are suppose to do. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything and it’s taking its toll on me, and my marriage.

Erica, she will be well taken care of. The docs will figure out what she needs. My mom became like this. She had been in a memory care facility for almost two years when her behavior became impossible. Hitting, screaming, biting, kicking. Mom was on hospice at that time. Hospice recommended a much smaller facility, a care home. Every resident. There had been kicked out of their previous facilities. Can you imagine?!

Mom did well there until she passed four months later. Yes she was medicated. But you need to remember that the impossible behaviors are even worse for your mom.

GladImhere, thank you. I feel like I’m alone. I’d hate to see her in a psychiatric hospital but if that’s the last resort at least then I know there is one.

I honestly hope so. I hate to see her doped up but I also hate to see her so confused and angry and in pain. She’s told the doctors before she just wants to die. I can’t be here to take care of her and I’m trying to do the best I can.

Hopefully she is starting to turn around. Sometimes not much can be done. I have a friend whose wife was like this. The only option in that case was the state psychiatric hospital. She received excellent care there and it was a very nice, well reputed facility.

She did great there for 2.5 years and passed.

If they got the ativan into her and it's helping, they will be able to get more meds in with time, don't you think?

I am here to visit when she was transfers. The first day all she did was scream at me & moan and be nasty. Yesterday they finally got Ativan in her but enough so they could try replacing the IV so she mostly just kept her eyes shut and didn’t talk unless she was cursin at the nurse for putting in the IV. She is in a hospital with geriatric psych because her NH doctor said it was better and has a good program. I know it takes time but if they can’t get the meds in her, how does this help?

Is she in a regular hospital or a geriatric psychiatric hospital or unit?

Your poor mom! Just imagine how panicked one would be if you thought they were keeping you from your baby! Have you talked to mom on the phone?

How long has mom been in the Geri psych facility? It takes time.