I'm guessing your mom says that her expectations are reasonable.
When I was in my 50s, my mom was in her 80s.
Her expectations were the occasional accomplishment to a procedure (outpatient surgery, colonoscopy); accomplishment to to a doc appointment when she wanted a second pair of ears, occasional help with major financial decisions and hiring help for cleaning, snow removal and appliance purchases.
When mom was in her late 80s, suddenly EVERYTHING became an emergency and she started demanding someone showing up every day
It was not possible for me to do that and hold my job. I told her "I can't do this anymore".
Mom moved into a facility shortly thereafter. My message is, if YOU think it's unreasonable, it is. If it affects your ability to earn a living, have a marriage or be with your minor children or grandkids, it's unreasonable.
My simplest way to put it: Who dictates the terms.
Occasional assistance is reasonable. “Would you mind picking up a few groceries for me on your way over?” Which is dramatically different from “You are to take me shopping every Tuesday at 10am plus whenever I want something.”
If you do not have the option of saying NO, it is unreasonable. Because it is a demand or dependency, not a favour.
It is easy to cross the line between being helpful and enabling people to continue living beyond their capability.
You should not be expected to quit your job to provide free care, nor financially support your parent. Doing so jeopardizes your own future.
You should not be expected to put your parent ahead of yourself, your partner, or your own children.
You should not be expected to fulfill social needs and provide entertainment. You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness.
You should not be expected to provide physical help beyond your ability, training and available time. Whether it’s lifting your parent or repairing the roof.
You should be able to determine how much time you are able to devote to fulfilling your parent’s expectations.
Again, if you are not allowed to say no, the expectation is unreasonable.
IF/when homecare , or a facility is where care happens , do not fall for demands or make any promises because they need hired caregivers . It’s not your fault they are old and need help. Boundaries are necessary . Do not promise to see them on any particular day every week . ( For example to take them out to dinner ) . You make the schedule and see them when it is convenient for you . Like Anna says , you are not required to be their entertainment .
First how old is Mom? Elderly to some people is 70 and at 73 I am far from what I consider elderly.
Do u live with her, her with you or does she have a place of her own?
What are her expectations vs what you feel you can or want to do. Does she expect u to be at her beck and call? Does she call you numerous times a day? Are there things u do that she could easily pay to have done. Do you work, have kids and a husband? Do you live nearby or miles away. To help you, we need to know more of what she expects and what ur willing to do.
If you are asking this , I’m assuming the expectations have reached to the unreasonable level.
Set boundaries and stick to them . Easier said than done . But many of us will tell you it’s necessary for your own health and mental health . Your life matters too . Keep up taking care of yourself and do not become isolated . Continue hobbies , seeing friends , social life.
I think this is a personal decision and is based on your circumstances. I have a 50+ year old, with teen kids (one who has health issues) and a full-time job with travel. These are my priorities, so I consider anything that significantly impacts these priorities, is unreasonable.
I would never move to be nearer or allow my mom to move in with me. I would also never use my own finances to support her. I feel anything that impacts my mental, emotional, physical or financial wellbeing in a significant way to be unreasonable.
When I was in my 50s, my mom was in her 80s.
Her expectations were the occasional accomplishment to a procedure (outpatient surgery, colonoscopy); accomplishment to to a doc appointment when she wanted a second pair of ears, occasional help with major financial decisions and hiring help for cleaning, snow removal and appliance purchases.
When mom was in her late 80s, suddenly EVERYTHING became an emergency and she started demanding someone showing up every day
It was not possible for me to do that and hold my job. I told her "I can't do this anymore".
Mom moved into a facility shortly thereafter. My message is, if YOU think it's unreasonable, it is. If it affects your ability to earn a living, have a marriage or be with your minor children or grandkids, it's unreasonable.
My simplest way to put it: Who dictates the terms.
Occasional assistance is reasonable. “Would you mind picking up a few groceries for me on your way over?” Which is dramatically different from “You are to take me shopping every Tuesday at 10am plus whenever I want something.”
If you do not have the option of saying NO, it is unreasonable. Because it is a demand or dependency, not a favour.
It is easy to cross the line between being helpful and enabling people to continue living beyond their capability.
You should not be expected to quit your job to provide free care, nor financially support your parent. Doing so jeopardizes your own future.
You should not be expected to put your parent ahead of yourself, your partner, or your own children.
You should not be expected to fulfill social needs and provide entertainment. You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness.
You should not be expected to provide physical help beyond your ability, training and available time. Whether it’s lifting your parent or repairing the roof.
You should be able to determine how much time you are able to devote to fulfilling your parent’s expectations.
Again, if you are not allowed to say no, the expectation is unreasonable.
Anabana’s post is perfect .
I would like to fast forward and add
IF/when homecare , or a facility is where care happens , do not fall for demands or make any promises because they need hired caregivers . It’s not your fault they are old and need help. Boundaries are necessary . Do not promise to see them on any particular day every week . ( For example to take them out to dinner ) . You make the schedule and see them when it is convenient for you . Like Anna says , you are not required to be their entertainment .
Do u live with her, her with you or does she have a place of her own?
What are her expectations vs what you feel you can or want to do. Does she expect u to be at her beck and call? Does she call you numerous times a day? Are there things u do that she could easily pay to have done. Do you work, have kids and a husband? Do you live nearby or miles away. To help you, we need to know more of what she expects and what ur willing to do.
Set boundaries and stick to them . Easier said than done . But many of us will tell you it’s necessary for your own health and mental health . Your life matters too .
Keep up taking care of yourself and do not become isolated . Continue hobbies , seeing friends , social life.
I would never move to be nearer or allow my mom to move in with me. I would also never use my own finances to support her. I feel anything that impacts my mental, emotional, physical or financial wellbeing in a significant way to be unreasonable.