What do you think the lesson is with taking care of people who self sabotage?

Is there any signs of dementia or Alzheimer’s? My mom was hitting the bottle pretty hard, the more Alzheimer’s progressed. Now in a nursing home, safe, but I feel useless. If you are her health proxy, you can put her in a rehab, and they may discover she can not go home. This is still all fresh for me, so I am not feeling very optimistic about any of this Alzheimer’s disease! It’s a nightmare…

what have I learned? Steer clear of excessive drinking. I find it hard to enjoy a drink anymore!! We do not have this disease in my family, but plenty of alcoholism. I am convinced alcohol is a major player in my Moms condition.

OP, you say “I am of her. I am of my father. We are forever connected in a way that is hard to change”. This is woo-woo talk, to quote another recent answer. Quite obviously your physical connection to your mother ended at birth. You never had one to your father. It’s mental/emotional/habit connection only, and that’s what you say you want to change, not keep ‘forever’.

‘Home health’ people WANT you to feel that you are ‘responsible for her’, because that makes things easier for them. Heavens above, otherwise they might get some pressure to be ‘responsible’ themselves for what she needs. Or to work out who else will do things if you don’t feel responsible. This is so common in one way or another that if you can’t work it out, your attempt to change seems doomed – and I hope it isn’t. It’s pretty much the same as many family members WANT, not just home health people for elders.

On a more practical note, it seems that you might find the book called ‘Boundaries’ a useful way to work out how to make the changes you want. Many people on the site recommend it.

This may sound harsh, but you have my best wishes.

A friend wholeheartedly believed that putting up with her abusive husband was supposed to teach her lessons in life. Enduring the husband would ensure that when she reincarnated back to earth for her next go-round, she'd be on a higher plane. She was deeply influenced by a woo-woo friend who kept pointing this out.

After twenty-something years, she dumped the husband for someone new. The husband died after they divorced, and her therapist says that she now suffers from PTSD because of what her abusive husband did to her. The new relationship may be on the rocks. She went into it knowing from her therapist that the present guy is a narcissist. She may be thinking that putting up with him will also put her on a higher plane. I dunno because I don't discuss this kind of malarkey with her anymore.

I suppose the moral of the story is that we should realistically and consciously decide what lessons we want to learn - and at what cost. Assuming that we're not bonkers in the first place, that is.

I too felt taking care of my Mom I was suppose to learn something, maybe patience? Well, that didn't happen. Then, if I had to learn something, why didn't my brothers who did nothing. Never did anything, it was always me.

This is my mantra...I am here too show people the way, I am not the way.

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. You find them the resources its up to them to take advantage of it. I had a friend who complained about needing to find transportation to doctors. I suggested she sign up for the senior bus. The next time she said something I asked her if she signed up, she said she never heard from them, then u call. I think she lied, she never signed up because I think she felt it was beneath her. No, I did not volunteer. I did if asked. I had a problem where we were asked to help a GFs mother with rides to her doctors. No problem, but then it became my GF needed help, then her daughter. In one month, 3 days out of 5 we were taking somebody somewhere. My DH, no problem he was retired, so was I, but I felt we were being taken advantage of. It stopped when I started babysitting my grandson. They were all told 3 months ahead that they would need to find other drivers.

So stop banging you head. I really think Mom needs to be placed.

Respectfully, I don't think it was done out of love. Since you are the child of alcoholics, it was dysfunction and co-dependency. They groomed you to do it. Then you become an enabler.

The lesson is to protect yourself from now on by learning to see and enforce boundaries. This is essential for every human relationship.

Asking "why [learn it] this way?" is not really a useful question IMO because everyone's lessons come in different ways due to circumstances. That's how life is: it is what it is. Whatever comes my way, it's my job figure out if (first) I should jump in or not, and then to figure out the takeaway so that it wasn't a totally unproductive effort. FYI becoming better at deciding whether to become involved or not upfront (your game plan) is *far* more important than post-game analysis.

I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart going forward with your life.

I have long been a people pleaser and problem solver. My mother, prior to dementia and now, while in good physical health, has made behavioural choices to demonstrate her anger, which only hurt herself.

3 Examples: A huge storm knocked out power at her rural cottage. She refused to report it until I visited, after returning home from a rare trip. She wanted me to see how my travels victimized her. A crew passed by shortly after I arrived. When she didn’t wave them over, I asked why not. She wanted them to discover her plight on their own. I ran after them and her power was restored that day.

Her suicide attempts because I refused to leave my husband and kids to be with her 24/7 are what landed her in care.

To punish hospital staff that angered her she vowed to never move a muscle again. She went from walking well and performing ADLs to bedridden. Now she is angry at her loss of mobility. She is 98 and can’t bounce back.

The lessons I’ve learned is that I can’t protect her from her own bad choices and her problems are not mine to solve. I did a lot to enable her to stay in her home as long as possible. I couldn’t make her happy but I could place her where she’d be safe. I am not, nor should I ever have been held, responsible for fixing issues she created for herself.

I had to examine 'assisting' with the PT's expertise. I found if I was in sight, LO said 'Need help' for many tasks. Yet I observed could do it (or at least tried better) with others. I experimented a few times. Used my DH as the tester 1. Yep. For me I got the 'I can't do it. I need help. You have to do it.'

PT did some testing & LO could physically do these tasks. So I learned that I needed more skills dealing with mental health/behavioural issues.

I see this 'learned helplessness' or 'attention seeking' (whatever the correct term) a lot in my workplace. Elders that CAN eat when solo but need family to cut & spoon feed if they are in sight. One relative was actually escorted off the premises this week for yelling at staff. Says has been 'doing everything for Mother' so staff MUST too. Must instantly change an incontinence pad when she sits in the chair & just goes.. but when relative not there, elder can walk to the bathroom with assistance & go there. I feel sorry for the family. They seem to mean well but have mixed up showing love with being the best servant. It's reinforced everyday & left the elder 'disabled'.

To see clearer?
To ask: What is me? What is you?
Where do our lives overlap?
Where are we separate?

Your profile says that your mom has many needs and you are caring for her at home.

The biggest lesson is that one person can never do the job of an entire staff. When the needs of a person become excessive, it is time to look into 24/7 care in a facility.

Sadly, some of us had to learn this lesson the hard way, which I never recommend to anyone.

Best wishes to you and your mom.

The lesson is life is a bunch of random crap that happens and the universe is indifferent to any of the suffering that happens.

There are no rewards for helping the mentally diseased and defective. If you can help without getting sucked into their self destruction and destroying your own life go for it. If not realize when to cut your losses and move on for your own self perservation.

Oh, there's a ton of lessons here.
You cannot change the lives of others?
That would be one.
Another would be that it is your CHOICE to sacrifice your life to no good outcome and the lesson learned should be an answer to the question "Why would you DO that"?
Why are you making that choice? The answer to THAT is a lesson to be recognized.
That's to say, what is it you need so badly that you will knowingly throw yourself on the burning pyre over and over again?
Do you need to hear "I love you so much and you have been a wonderful daughter?"
(Because you never will hear that. Not from THESE people. And that's yet ANOTHER lesson to be learned here.

You have a good therapist. She/he isn't going to sit and listen to the same litany of sacrifice. passing out sympathy as she collects the 250.00 an hour with the other hand. No! She/he wants to know what you have learned!
And what you will DO ABOUT IT when finally you SEE it. Because that may well be question number TWO for you. You see it now. What will you DO about it.
Change is hard. VERY HARD. It takes tremendous courage, so when you are ready to change give yourself a huge pat on the back. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. And the best. And you will be SO proud of yourself you can't even imagine it now. You won't NEED anyone to tell you that you are loved and worthy of love, because you will love yourself so much it won't matter.
Your therapist may help you break the habits and walk the new path, but that path has to be recognized by YOU.
He/She can't pull you down it.

I congratulate you for your courage to take the path. I am excited for you. While it may feel a mysterious woods you are in now, the journey can be remarkable.

The lesson is that there are some people who can't be helped by those who love them. They are better served by loved ones stepping away and letting social services take over when deemed incompetent.

Until then, they are free to make their own bad choices

You don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.