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ITRR, I may have missed it, but have you addressed the possibility that one "bad apple" child says he/she is paying you and actually skimming funds?

We all talk alot here about children who need to stop supporting their parents' charade of independence. Any idea if perhaps that's what is going on? The kids think that mom, although very capable for 90, needs to be in a less isolated and more supportive living environment, like Independent Living?

Is your friend still capable of cooking? Does she get groceries delivered? Can she order a cab for doctor's appointments? If she can't do these things, then possibly she needs more support than her kids or friends can give.

Something isn't adding up here. I'm trying to disconnect the gift card from the "you are being paid" comment because I doubt they are connected.
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https://www.reddit.com/r/amazon/comments/5cgef6/is_there_any_way_to_return_a_gift_card_voucher/
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I have read the posts and I think you know the answer. Help your friend when you can and want to. Block their text numbers and don’t respond to their requests. Ignore the gift card or go to the trouble of how to return via Amazon. Done
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Sounds sounds more like they think you are a servant/slave than an employee.
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Return the Gift card. Buy them a 20 dollar gift card.
Just say no to their request.
Say no to EVERY request until they stop asking.
If you say yes to any of them, they may not get the message.
When they tell you have been paid, laugh and respond, no your 20 dollars was a gift. Say plainly, "I am not your employee "
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I would return the gift card and tell the gifter to please use it for the needs of their relative/your friend. That you could not possibly accept a gift for helping your dear friend. Then say, “I need to take a break from (your friend) for awhile. All this has taken a big toll on me and my family and I need to pull back for my own health.” Tell them you will check in with her every now and then in a few weeks or so, but you need to focus on your own needs right now. And don’t respond to their texts or calls right away. Let them go unanswered for a few days.
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Next time they bring up the employee bit tell them 'i quit' and that you will go back to voluntarily taking care of your friend out of love and friendship.
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Some people take 10 miles for every inch we give them!

I've read through a little bit of this thread, and it seems you want to stop their demands without causing drama. Great ideal, but it unfortunately may not be possible. Some people just don't care about anyone but themselves and thrive on drama. No one in their right mind would think that a $20 gift card is payment for months of help!

Please keep visiting and helping your friend - it sounds like it is good for both of you!

At the same time, please let them know that you are not a paid caregiver, do not wish to be paid, and wish to continue seeing your friend on your terms. I hate to see your friendship disrupted because someone wants to create drama where there should be none.
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Simple:

NO!
Then if necessary, I have tried to help you because I saw a need. I am not nor will I be an employee of yours at your beck and call. I will continue to TRY to help you if I am available, but I will not and cannot continue at the pace you seem to THINK that I owe you.
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I have been in this type of situation. If your friend is able to tell her family to stop ask her to. Be very frank and tell them to stop, tell them they are not allowed to text or call you. Be very firm otherwise they will and they are taking advantage of you. If you need help doing this ask a friend of yours or you significant other to type the text for you on your phone, informing them that they can not call and text you. If you don't put a stop to it, you will dread helping your friend. I had to stop helping because of this and it is very hard to do. It really kind of ended our friendship, which made me so very sad.
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Go to Amazon and send the gift giver $20 worth of greeting cards. Specifically THANK YOU note cards.

Your gift message could be:
"There is no amount of money that compensates for the love and devotion..." you have for your friend, and the things you do for her from the kindness of your heart. But they can certainly feel free to write you a nice note every week!
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The next time the family issues orders to you about what they want or need done for her, tell them that the $20.00 gift card they gave you was just that: A gift. It is not a paycheck for services rendered. Then tell them that you helped your friend out because she's a friend and that you're not interested in going into caregiving as a line of work. If all this fails then just tell them 'no' and have a talk with your friend about how her family is taking advantage of you.
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The easy (not-so-easy) answer to them is - "I am sorry - I am a friend to your mother - I AM NOT YOUR EMPLOYEE. Please find someone than can execute your commands, because you are mistaken: I AM NOT A SERVANT."
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Gosh, I'm so sorry, after reading the information you have added to the discussion with your replies it seems you are in such a no-win situation.

Good for you, for setting good boundaries, and also kudos to you for realizing how this would upset your friend if she had any idea what was going on or if drama started.

I'm afraid, there isn't much of a good answer, or anything you could do differently - you have already addressed it, and they are not "getting it" . . . .or even outright gaslighting you. I'm just so sorry you find yourself stuck like this.

[[[hugs]]] this just sucks really :(
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Thank you! Hugs back!

I am beginning to think that they are feeling convicted by my actions.

They could easily help her and they don't.

Yes, I do think that they are trying to gaslight me. I think that they do it to their mom too.
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If I had a friend coming once a week to do stuff for me and one of my kids was behaving obnoxiously to them, I would want to know about it.

I am going to assume that this friend is declining in some way, which makes you feel protective of her.

Admit that to yourself and call the person who gave you the card and is now becoming demanding on the carpet. "I can't possibly do what you are demanding of me. Please hire someone to help your mom if she needs more care".
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
No kidding, she is 90. Obviously she is declining.

If you read my responses you might be able to get it.

I think that you would have a problem if someone said something about your kids when you looked at them through the love you have for them, it covers a multitude of sin and you don't see what little bungholes they are.
When you are 90, let me know how you feel.
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If she is whip smart and competent, then she should be told in a matter of fact way that some of her family are bat $hit crazy.

This is between her and them.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Read all my responses. I am not going to say that to her about her children.

I have no doubt that she knows what they are, but they are her children and some things should never be said about someone's family, not when you are not family. You know that.
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I think with your response to RobertsNursery I finally get the question.
You say you want a way to let the family know you are not getting paid, without "going nuclear" on them.
I might suggest finding the single most sane member of the family. Then tell them gently the facts that you got this card which is lovely and which you appreciate, but somehow heard round the wayside that the thought is that you are getting paid to help your friend. Tell this person that you
A) are NOT getting paid to help your friend and that
B) you absolutely love her and it is a delight for you to give her this help. And C) C) tell this person you hope that they might pass this around to other family members, as somehow, somewhere along the line, someone got a mistaken idea that you are being paid.
Now, should they come to think you should do more in future, and you are not able to do more, then telling them gently that you are somewhat strapped for time, and are doing what you can should work.
It seems pretty clear you are very close to your friend but don't care for this family, so there may have been some water under the bridge? You don't say. These things become like that childhood game where someone whispers a sentence into the ear of the person next to them, and that person to the next, and by the time the sentence goes full circle it bears no resemblance to the original thing said. They are mostly misunderstanding.
It is difficult to see any real animosity here on anyone's part. Hope it gets cleared up and you and your friend continue to get to enjoy one another.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
As if I would ever listen to you again after your passive aggressive attack.

Again more assuming. If there was "water under the bridge" I would have said so.
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From whom did the gift card come?

There are certainly older folks about there (I'm in my late 60s, I'm talking about folks 20 to 25 years older than I am) who might think that $20 is a lot of money.

Consider that friend may be saying to family "I gave her a lot of money".

Just a thought.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
It came from a daughter.

She knows that they gave me the card. She thought it was so thoughtful that they, her children, wanted to say thank you to me for loving and helping their mom.

She has a good sense of the value of a dollar. She is whip smart and actually very current with the reality of life in 2020.

That's what makes it so sticky, she doesn't know what they are pulling, she would be so ashamed and I can't do that to her by telling her.
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This may sound harsh, but someone is lying to you. Your dear friend may not intentionally be doing so, but she may be less-than-upfront. They feel you are being paid. No one, in their right mind, would consider $20 as payment. You can't go to lunch at McD with another person for under $20.

So, someone is saying you are being paid. Your friend may be saying that to them to keep them from wondering why you are so helpful. After all, it's a selfish world and they genuinely may wonder why you are being this way. It's wonderful you are, but I too would have some concern over someone who simply was this giving to my mom without understanding the friendship. So in order for them to back off, she may (even if you can't imagine it) be implying you are being paid.

Or, one of the siblings is saying it. I wouldn't put it past someone to say, "Yeah, she's good because I'm paying her". That one gets the credit for 'helping', and the others think it's handled. No one looks too deep because that would mean they'd have to step up and care.

Genuinely, there is something wrong here. Do they think Social Security is paying you as an aide? Have they asked you to sign anything?

I would spend the card on something for yourself or her. No lawyer would call it "payment". They'd laugh.

Maybe just visit your friend as you have, but don't do anything they ask you to do. Ask them directly why they think you are being paid. You may have to step up to the bozos and firmly ask, because someone is not telling you the whole story.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I have addressed some of this in my responses to others.

Their right mind seems to be what is lacking.

This would be like AC claiming everyone that they give a gift card to as an employee. Utterly ridiculous.

I have heard conversations she has with them and there is nothing being said that would lead them to the conclusion that I am being paid. She tells them she is out getting into fun trouble with her partner in crime and othe such silly things.

They know that I am her friend and that I do what I do at my expense, I told them when they told me that they paid me. I have made sure that they all know the truth, getting them to hear it seems to be my failing.

I could go nuclear with them, but I don't want my friend hurt. They are her children, no matter how useless they are, she loves them and she loves me, I don't want to draw her into their insanity, delusions or ???

I was hoping that someone had an idea of what could be done to get them to hear without it being a stupid drama that could hurt my friend. She is 90 and doesn't need unnecessary nonsense on her plate. She worries if she thinks she has caused offence or upset, so I am trying to shut it down without involving her. I don't think I could even explain what is going on, I don't understand it myself.
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I reread all ITRRs responses. Seems to me she has done everything suggested.

I think the whole thing here is that ITRR just wanted to see if others agreed that this situation is so "out there". Not sure why she asked the question "how do you deal" because I think she has dealt with it. Its more like "is there a different way to deal with this than I have been". She HAS set boundries. They just seem to be under the impression that the $20 GC is a payment of some sort. Or, someone is under the impression that someone is paying her as a Caregiver. Really, I can't understand someone in their right mind would think that $20 is enough money to pay someone to be at their beck and call. You pay that much to have someone babysit your kids for an evening. (I got 50 cents an hour)

With the gift card, I would think if you don't except it, it will be cancelled and the giver will be credited. So, just let it sit there. And if asked why you haven't "picked it up" just say seems to be too many strings attached. You won't be excepting it. Let them worry about how to get the $20 back.

I think you have done what you can. None of us understands why they feel $20 buys your time. Maybe the cousin can help you find out where the family is coming from. Maybe a member is telling them ur being paid and really that person is scamming Mom. Very, very weird.

Continue helping your friend. Your day a week gives her something to look forward to. A day out with a very good friend. And continue to keep her families shenanigans to yourself. It may just worry her and maybe effect your outings.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
JoAnn, you are correct, my wording is not appropriate. I should have worded it differently, but I am not sure that it would have been answered any differently by some.

I have tried everything I know. I think that they are trying to gaslight me. Perhaps they think that you have to be dim witted to be kind and caring. As you said it is a very me, me, me world that we live in and some can not fathom the very idea of doing something just because it is the right and loving thing to do.

I feel sorry for future generations that have no roll model to show them what giving looks like. Eventually all the givers will be gone and it will be a world of takers, shudder😢.
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I'd block all their phone numbers. Why do you feel the need to have them anyway? Go over when no one is there. Or...just call her and check in. If you see her being abused/ neglected then report the abuse/ neglect to the proper authorities. Perhaps use the gift card and buy your friend a gift. If children tell or ask you to do something, simply say no you can't. Do what you want and when you want.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
They have my contact information because I would like to be informed if something happens to my friend.

I have blocked their numbers but they just email me or use a different phone.

It does seem like it should be pretty simple to deal with, but it is the screwiest situation that I have ever encountered. Obviously something is up, but I don't believe that my friend is aware of what it is.

They are never around when I pick her up or drop her off. They will occasionally call her while we are out because they don't know where she is and she is very open about what she is doing with whom. That is how they know what they do.
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block the calls.
if you really have to return the $20.00 it sounds like it is not worth the aggravation.
continue to help your friend if you want but ignore the kids. Either let the calls go to voice mail (if any of them are threatening you might want to save them) or block the calls.
Also if your friend can have her pay you for the gas and wear and tear on the car currently the reimbursement (in the USA) for business is about 57.5 Cents per mile and for Medical moving it is a mere 17 Cents pre mile. Your friend can pay you and it can be deducted on her taxes as a medical expense (have her check with her tax preparer) Or if she has a car use hers to transport her. And she should be buying you meals when you are taking her.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I am not taking any type of payment for what I do. Doesn't matter if she can write it off as I will continue to refuse any type of payment.

She could well afford to pay me and has tried to put fuel in my truck. I put a stop to it.

I am doing this out of love, I don't want any remuneration for the gift I am giving her.
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Just quit taking calls from the children. And if you happen to talk to them and they tell you to do something else, just say no. Not available. If they bring up the pay, tell them the $20 said 'gift' card not employee payment. Continue to visit your friend and do whatever you want to for her, but ignore the children's demands.

This is crazy
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Yes it is!

Thank you.
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Caller ID. Do not answer calls from anyone but your friend. If one slips through you could always say "I'm sorry. That won't be convenient for me." and hangup.

People can't take advantage of you more than once without your consent.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
They haven't been able to get me to do their bidding, I am just curious how to get them to stop trying and what others would say.

Thank you.
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Thank them for their generosity on behalf of your prior help. Then set some boundaries. Explain that you help your friend because you are her FRIEND. Explain that you help when and where you can. If the family sees other needs to be taken care of, they need to make arrangements to do so. You are not being paid and if they bring up the gift card, send them $20.00 and explain you can't keep this in good conscience.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
It has been said again and again.

I have very good boundaries. I am to busy to be run around. They are not getting it and I don't want to have to get ugly.

I don't want my friend hurt.
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I don't read into this that your friend is manipulative as screenname has suggested. I think she is a lonely 90 yr old that's family choses not to help. Its sad. And if anyone believes there is a God, he has put ITRR in the woman's path. I have a friend that if she only had $1.00 to her name and I needed it she would give it to me. This woman has not had the perfect life. I have told her that I wonder what she did in her former life to deserve some of the things that have happened to her. She is the one friend that if I called her at 3am in the morning she would come running. She doesn't know the word No. I so hope that when she finally needs help that there are people waiting in line.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Thank you! You are correct, she is not manipulating anyone.

I do feel very blessed that I am able to help her.

Regardless of what anyone thinks I do this strictly out of love with no expectations of anything in return.
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Searched Amazon web site, gift cards are nonrefundable but if you call customer service they may be able to return card to original purchaser. If not, use it on your friend. She may enjoy some new body wash or lotion, adult coloring books and colored pencils, a new throw blanket or slippers, that way she can have enjoyment of a special treat and you have the invoice showing their "gift " was used on their mom. Really sounds like something fishy going on with her kids and claims of them paying you when they're not. Does your friend have access to her bank accounts? Is she able to put groceries away if they are delivered? May be a fun way to kill some time on your next visit if she has access to her credit card. I know this is just one more thing on your plate but could you get her signed up for meals on wheels? At least she'll have something to eat if you can't get over there every week. When they sent you the gift card via email did they write anything such as thanks for helping mom? I would also keep all texts and emails from them along with your replies that you are not an employee to protect yourself. They may be stashing funds preparing for Medicaid, telling others you are being paid, win for them, they have extra funds siblings have no clue about, bad for you, uncle sam is going to want to know what happened to his share. You will be able to clear your name but it will be easier with messages to back it up. Karma will come to bite them in the rear when they get older, they are teaching their children how to treat and care for others. Keep loving your friend and visit her when time allows, know you are doing the right thing. Try to ignore her kids demands, take her to the grocery store answer with have groceries delivered. My pat answer for SIL when she made demands was that's nice ie I want you to do xyz, finally asked me what do you mean that's nice, told her it was nice she wanted me to do things on top of everything else I was doing for her mom's care. Told her want in one hand 💩 in the other, which one is going to fill up faster? Didn't hear any demands for about 4 or 5 days after that. Feel for the situation you are in. There are those that give and those that take and suck the life out of you, you are a giver who sees a friend in need and is there for her out of love, not recognition or financial gain.
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As for returning the gift card. Did you contact Amazon and ask them? I understand you can't just let her starve. Have you called Adult Protective Services? I would do that right now. If you go down for any reason, car crash, illness, etc. There is no one to help her.
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I agree...ask them what exactly do they think $20 covers.
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Manipulations always suck, and It sounds like you're in the midst of manipulations that involve a VERY outdated "employee pay rate."

Using a counseling perspective, another possibility needs consideration-->
Your friend might be manipulating everyone. She might be claiming to you that her family refuses to help whilst telling her family that you're a lonely person who is insisting upon helping. Her objective within that family system perspective would be to make all feel guilty while generating sympathy from everyone.

You wrote, "I am hoping to find a way to keep them away from what I do for her." Which presents a LARGER problem, your thinking that she is neglected when she is likely perfectly fine, perhaps pretending to be starving, to visually manipulate you into thinking she is desperate for help, thus far it's working out quite nicely for her, lots of sympathy and free restaurant meals.

Another red flag waving fiercely is shown thru your later response, "I can't walk away from her until one of these bozos steps up. She needs assistance and I refuse to walk away from her needs because her kids are whacked."

Maybe your friend is manipulating you into believing that her kids "are whacked." while manipulating her kids into thinking that you're "whacked." It seems, she is getting lots of attention from the entire situation.

Unfortunately based on my counseling experience, your situation has a VERY HIGH chance of getting worse; typically this type of situation warps into accusations of stealing and/or accusations of some sort of abuse.

In the end you'll need to get out of that situation, which means you'll need to realize that you're the only solution to your friend's situation.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
Keeping them out of what I do for her was referring to them NOT asking me to do things outside of the time that I already spend.

If she needs a ride to a doctor's appointment, she asks me if I will take her. Her kids will call or contact me and tell me that she needs to go to the doctor and I need to get that set up and take her. That is the not their place to direct me on behalf of their moms appointments, talk to your mom, she will ask me if she needs a ride.

I suppose that you can believe that people are all up to no good. I don't believe that she is manipulating the situation. I have been friends with her for close to 25 years and she doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body.

She is a widowed woman that decided that she should not continue driving because she didn't want to have any accidents or hurt anyone and she truly believed that her kids would help her with her basic needs, that's all she was hoping for.

I offered to help her when she told me that she had to cancel another appointment because her daughter forgot to pick her up, she didn't hustle me or manipulate me in any way. She was sharing her situation with her friend.

Thank you for your input.
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