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My mom is 90 and had several major health issues within the last nine months. She slipped and fell while accompanied by a sibling last Spring, then in November had a very mild stroke, and now slipped while trying to climb into her bed (which is very high).
Now for the complications. She has three children, one of whom lives about two hours away and takes no responsibility whatsoever for her care. I live 40 minutes away by train, but due not drive do to a medical condition. My other sibling lives 10 minutes away but has a chronic medical condition as do I, however hers is more serious, she is on chemo for cancer.
My sister is POA and she visits daily when she is not too ill to do so. My mom refuses more than visiting nurses and physical therapists, although the physical therapist has warned us that her gait is so unstable that she really should have live in help. She even refused a medical alert bracelet because she says it's uncomfortable to wear. Tried the necklace, same deal.
My mom doesn't want this, in part because of financial reasons. She is not eligible for Medicaid and my sister and I have done a terrible job of estate planning, despite the fact that I have been arguing for it for years. Her husband is an attorney, so this is especially daunting to me particularly because of the three of us I am the only one who would be in need of any kind of inheritance. With regard to Medicaid eligibility she would have to spend down all of her savings, and her assets in excess of $750,000 in joint ownership of property would go to Medicaid.
I have been worried about my mother, and my relief visits tend to be in excess of two weeks of 24/7 care. The last time I did it, it was at cost to me in terms of a toll on my physical health, as well as neglect of my home ( which incurred damage due to a roof leak while I was away).
I am currently resentful of both siblings, the POA for the aforementioned reasons, and the other for contributing nothing to anything. Not even a thanks to anyone.
I apologize for the length of this post but would appreciate any thoughts .

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I'm not the POA, my sister is. She wants my help, i.e. she wants me to go there and take care of my mom but she also only wants to do what she wants to do. I'm currently boycotting the situation until she agrees to listen and take seriously what I have to say.
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Reply to salutem
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A for your effort. I would get a lawyer for estate planning and her Dr involved. Maybe sibling would accept Dr recommendation.
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Reply to LaTxKan
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Tell her you need the help. You can't do it on your own. Also, when you have a caregiver, the agency can do auto-pay.
My dad is also worried about money. But I need to find someone for him soon.

wish you success, health and happiness
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Reply to Lvnsm1826
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Sounds like you need legal assistance. But for the other aspect? It sounds like it's not her decision anymore. May be time to take over and provide the best care for her if she's no longer able to that for herself. She may not be happy about that, but at least she'll be safe.
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Reply to lynnm12
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If your mom is living on her own but needs a higher level of care and refuses it she doesn't get to make that decision when her adult children are trying to pick up the slack and care for her in her home. Being as frail as she sounds it's only a matter of time before something emergent happens and she ends up in a nursing home which isn't what she wants. It would be much more prudent for her to accept in-home care now and put off the inevitable. $750,000 will buy a lot of in-home care.

When family is contributing to the care of an elderly parent the family has a huge say so in how that care is to be managed.
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Reply to Eyerishlass
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salutem Feb 2, 2019
She cannot sell the property. The joint owner will not allow it. Even after extensive litigation we are unable to get him to buy us out or sell the property and split the proceeds because he profits from it by operating his medical practice from it and renting out apartments connected to it, and skimming off the top.
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If you start now with Assisted Living it will not be long before that money is spent down. As well as selling the house and any other assets. Most places will accept Medicaid if a person has been private pay for a while sometimes it is 1 year sometimes 2. But once the assets are spent down the application process can begin and there is a good chance that she will be able to stay. You just need to find AL that will also be able to transition from AL to possible Memory Care or Full Care.
The other possibility and it does not sound likely since y'all have problems but to have Mom move in with one of the siblings. Although not great in most cases as you can painfully read in many of the posts here.

And yes she will dig in her heels, she will hate it, she will say she hates you for making this decision but it is for her safety and frankly your sanity. To know she is safe, cared for and there are people that will help her when she needs it. And who knows she may actually like it having people to talk to, things to do, and the occasional trip out if she is able to do so. I think you will find also that without having to maintain a house, no property taxes, no gas bill, electric bill, no food bills it might actually be less expensive or at least not that much more.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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salutem Feb 2, 2019
thanks so much; it makes a lot of sense. I don't know if you would know the answer to this but she owns a property worth 1.5 million jointly with my deceased father's brother who has effectively evicted her from the property, and even after $100,000 in litigation from a prestigious law firm refuses to buy her out or sell the property and split the proceeds. Would this preclude Medicaid eligibility??
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