What do you do when your mother (who has Alzheimers) wants to go home - and she's already home!?

Hi Jim, Its probably the Alzheimers its a horrible disease and hard to figure out. I can't help you with that but the sibling problem well I have been there, I have siblings that do nothing for OUR parents I'm the only one and have been doing it for years!!! I do it because I want to help but its sad that it could be much easier on me it I had help from them. Some people are selfish and some just don't care I guess. I feel for you its a hard place to be. Just remember with Gods help you will survive this. These people on this site are so caring and helpful and always here when you need to talk. The thing that helps me too is I would not want the guilt that the siblings will feel later that's a bad place to be and I'm glad I won't be there. Maybe that will help you too. Take care now

Hi Jim - I have the same problem with my mother. Here is the thinking process I believe is going on. Once you understand - then the solution is easier to handle.

Your mother (and my mother) does not recognize where she is. Her next logical conclusion is - I want to go home where things will be familiar. It does not help to explain to her she is already home. You are pointing out that her memory is not working. She will continually deny that it is her memory problem and get defensive. Lots of back / forth - as you try to calmly convince her and then over time you get exasperated and tense. Your mom will feel your tension and react to that. She gets more stubborn and you get more tense. And the cycle continues.

Instead - just agree with her. Say something that she will accept - you will learn what are acceptable statements. For me - my mother was OK with " you are visiting Robert (my husband) and me". I found this work after much trial and error. For example - I tried "you are living with me" - she got upset. Anyways - the bottom line is - keep agreeing with her to keep her calm. When she says she wants to leave now to go home - say something like "No problem - will take you home right after I finish cooking (or some reasonable time that she will accept)".

This calms her down by confirming that she is right (she is not home) and that you will do what she wants (take her home). Once she is calm - then I try to distract her onto another topic. Meanwhile - each time she says I want to go home - I just go through the whole thing again - all the time agreeing with her.

Another thing - try and see if there is a pattern when she says this. I found out with my mother that if she was hungry (or tired) - she tended to get more "negative". Alot of times - I think of Mom as a baby - who is feeling something but unable to tell me in words. She is no longer able to tell me what she is feeling. Instead - I observe and then try to figure out patterns.

I hope that helps.

My story is almost the same. She doesn't recognize her home anymore, she's looking for her siblings, and if I tell her she's home or her siblings are not alive(they would be over 100 and have been dead for 20 years) she gets really upset and on and on.
Anyways, I'm coping with this by collecting stories from people that have funny stories to tell because humor is the only thing that works to help us all get through these times. Please share a story with me about a situation that happened to you that was gutwrenching and hilarious. We plan to publish the stories. I will give you the title after I get your story.

yes i agree with onlydaughter16 . just agree with your mother . i too am dealin with this with my 85 yrs old father . i tell him ill take him home here in a min , sometimes i tak ehim out driving then we come back home and i would say home sweet home when we pull up in the drive way . he says yes home sweet home .
tellin our parents no and aruge with them is a no no . just go along with it and go with the flow . remeber mom and dad are always right ... cant aruge with the elders .

I definitely have this issue with my 89 year old mom who has dementia. My problem is my dad who is 90 and does not have the problem. He tries desparately to be "logical" with my mom and it simply does not work. the worst "I am not home" times are after sleep (night or naps) sometimes I just laugh and say "there goes your memory again" you will remember in a miinute...sometimes things work and other times do not...i strongly believe in distraction as well....i agree with humor and "lightness" there certainly is no talking them into this being their home....one thing that worked with her is I try to make a connection with her bed (which she loves) and "home" whereever she sleeps is home...that has actually worked many time.

I have the same problem that you have! I have two brothers of which one live with my mom and the other just drops in about 2-3 times of week and give advice! I don't live with my mom but I am the only girl so thus far I have everything to do before I go to work I have to go by and change her and see to her eating breakfast and take her meds and after work I go there and bathe her cook her dinner and put her to bed and I she ask all the time is mama at home or have you seen daddy both of which have been dead for about 10 or so years! She always ask when are we going home before it gets to late! I just pray and take one day at a time!

I have talked to many people who cared for an elderly parent and the story is the same: they always want to go home--and they ARE home. Recently, my mom started saying this. She has vascular dementia, and I knew the day would come when we'd start this conversation cycle. I have a friend who drove around the block with her dad and said, Well here we are, you are home. But an hour after they went inside, he said, It's time to go home, let's go. So I agree with onlydaughter16.
Today, the hospice nurse told me the same thing, Just agree with your mom--enter her world. So, I tried, OK mom soon I'll be ready for you to go home.
This may seem weird, but I'm wondering if the "home" is a metaphor or some sign that they want to move on from the earthly life. I know it's just the dementia and confusion, but part of me feels like the elderly really have grown weary of living and partly living, especially when they live in nursing homes and such. When they can't see well, can't eat well, have pain, can't hear, who can blame them. So, I told my mom today when she asked about going home, When it's time for you to go home I'll be okay. And I'll miss you. She stopped asking. Tomorrow, we'll no doubt have the same conversation. Sigh.

Dementia iniially impacts short term memory. Many individuals with dementia often talk about earlier life events. Sometime going home relates to thier child hood home ( I have seen this with my father). He sees my dog and relates to his childhood dog and talks about going home to Silk street where he has not lived in 60 years.

I also agree with sentiments expressed above going home especially for depressed, lonely, old and sick individuals means moving on to a better life or joining a deceased spouse or loved one.

Same thing here.

My Father wants to "go home" everyday, usually starts getting anxious early afternoon. What I did that seemed to help was take him for a drive...my hubs and I live about 40 mins away. I called my hubs, told him we were stopping by, told Dad that my house was the 1/2 way point and I needed to pick up a few items for the rest of the trip "home" and he thought that was a good idea.

He thinks he is living in Louisiana, but we are actually outside Houston Tx.

While on our drive, in his mind the purpose switched and all of the sudden it was about my brothers car not working and Dad and I were going to pick him up and Dad was going to give him money to fix his car and so on. We had quite an in depth conversation about a plan to get this taken care of the best way possible and Dad was in charge, and he felt really good about that.

We got to my house...Dad said what a nice "facility" it was, met my hubs, they met in 2005 before we married but of course he does not remember.

Asked if hubs was "manager" of the "facility" and oh hell yes...hubs is the BEST manager that this facility has ever had!

Dad and hubs talked a lot...not about anything that made sense, but Dad was happy. Next he wanted a tour of the facility, so we walked him around and showed him our home, again..he'd been there on several occasions but did not remember. He moves slow these days and shuffles his feet so we are very careful with him.

He decided that the facility was "a damn good one" and hubs obviously knew what he was doing running the facility.

On the way "home" Dad wanted to look in to buying an apartment in the facility, and I told him that next time we do a tour, we well have to ask hubs his opinion about checking out an apt in the facility, and Dad loved that idea.

Finally I drove him back to his house and it took us about 3 hrs round trip, so he was more than ready to get back to his house.

It worked that day. The next day he had a really horrible time, but that is another story that I'll share soon.

Love and Hugs to all :)

Perhaps your mom needs more company. My dad came to live with us last month. He had a stroke & doesn't remember his other home. He has dementia but is a sweet & sociable guy. Lately my dad has talked about options, so we will take tours of a couple of places. He has his own sitting room, bedroom & bathroom, so he's pretty happy. Good luck, I know how difficult this is.

HI JIM. I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME EXACT THING AS I TYPE...I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I HAVE GIVEN HER MY ROOM WHICH HAS HER OWN BATHROOM ALSO. I HAVE HAD TO TELL HER THAT THIS A FACILITY AND THAT I AM HER CARE GIVER BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO PAY HER WAY AND WANTS TO HELP WHICH IS SWEET BUT SHE IS NOT CAPABLE OF DOING MUCH..TODAY HAS BEEN A MOST STRESSFUL DAY, SHE JUST WONT LET IT GO. JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IT'S JUST PART OF THE DISEASE.

I am experiencing the same thing with my mother. She has ask me where Howard (my dad) is for over two months now. She has just started within the last few wks about wanting to go home. She wants to sell the house that she lives in now and move "home". She doesn't realize that she is already in her home town that she ask to move back to every day. She get's much worse in the evening, which from what info I have gathered, this is sundowning [sundown syndrome]... I found what works best for my mom, is to tell her that her mom is already in bed, and we will go see her first thing in the morning. And, when she ask for my dad, I tell her that he is still at work and will be home soon. I'm not really fond of lying to my mom, but when it saves her a lot of grief, you do what you have to do... Hang in there! God Bless you!!

I had a funny experience when visiting in a NH. A woman I didn't know started talking to me. She was probably new to the NH. She was worried about how she would pay for her room, because she didn't have any cash. I told her not to worry because they would send her a bill that she could pay later.

She also wanted to know who was coming to bring her home. I told her that the weather was bad outside, and it would be better to stay the night to avoid dangerous driving.

For some reason she believed me and calmed down. In later months, I saw her and she seemed to be settled in just fine.

What does it say about my character that I'm proud of the convincing lies I told to a poor old lady?

This is different from having your own loved one constantly asking to go home. That would be sad, painful and guilt-producing. But this is a case when the truth will NOT set you free.

I get that a lot from my mom too. I usually say something like "Can we go in a few minutes because I have to......" or "Let's have dinner first then go, okay?" My mom usually is okay with that and then by the time a few minutes goes by she has forgotten about going home.

Yeah, that's Alzhemier's for ya, as opposed to vascular dementias where you lose your judgement, empathy, and language first rather than becoming unable to recognize familiar people. I read an article about how most recent memories are lost first so it is like rewind-erasing the memory tapes, so a person would think things were supposed to be they way they were decades ago, might even ask for Mom or Dad to take care of them. I think any kind of cover story that made the person feel a little less out of joint could be fine.

Weve had threads on here about therapeutic fibbing before. I know I never told my Dad my Mom did not want to see him any more, just that she was not well and was working on therapy and getting medicine to try to get better, and I would bring pictures back and forth. Its possible that older pictures of familiar loved ones would help comfort in the Alzheimer situation.

I don't think of it as lying. What good would it do to contradict the person with Alzheimer's or dementia? They get agitated and upset and no one wants that.

With somone who has dementia or Alzheimer's we have to crawl into their world, we can't expect them to be a part of this one anymore because they can't.

when my mom says she wants to go home i tell her that all her friends left when she did and she wouldn't know anybody that lives there now. Moms dad was a cop and sometimes she threatens to call him and tell him how mean i am to her and i just tell her to go ahead and call (she doesn't know how to use the phone anymore) and she usually backs down

I am in the same situation as everyone else. My Mom is in a Rehab/Nursing home, trying to make the decision to switch over to long term care. I know she needs it but she calls me every day and when I visit her only concern is going home right then. I tell her the doctor hasn't released her yet and then it leads to tears and the discussion just gets more in depth of I want to go home. I then feel guilty all day/evening. What do I do, every visit, discussion, general talking is only about her going home. It makes for a dreadful visit every day. I dread it because I know that is all it is going to be about. Suggestions?

Have you talked to the staff? How is she when you are not there? It may be that she wants to go home because your visit triggers that wish. It can be easier on you if you know she's happy part of the time, even if you don't get to see it.

Is she getting PT? Is she cooperating? Can you tell her she has to make progress first?

Can you empathize with her desire to go home? It is sad that she can't be where she wants to be. Can you validate that sadness, while not promising to take her home? "Yes, Mom, I know you aren't happy here. I'm sorry it's taking so long. What would you like best about being home? Yes, being all by yourself in your own room is so much more relaxing. I wish you could be there, too."

A book said, grant her in fantasy what you can't grant her in reality.

Yes, she is getting PT, sometimes she is cooperating. My problem is she may not be coming home at all though. Depends on the doctor's decision. Even when I am not there she is calling the house telling me "I have been released, you need to come and get me", I am at "Target, bank, grocery" you need to come and get me, I have ask the nurses to try and not let her call but they can't stop her from calling. Her mind is set on coming home and that is it. However, I work full time and she is not safe and being so confused, I just don't think it is going to happen. I wonder if she would be okay when she gets home and not so confused but then she falls, gets up in the middle of the night confused, sleeps all the time. So, I am just in a no win situation, feeling guilty. I just wish I could tell her something to ease the wanting to come home.

DMbaird, I have similar issues with my Mom. Mine was, and yours is, at the point where the transition from rehab to Long term care is the only option. After my Mom was in the rehab unit for 6 weeks, we told her they were remodeling her wing and that she had to move to a different room for awhile. Worked very well, until the time came when I had to tell her she could not go home. She was blaming me of forcing her to stay there when she was perfectly capable (NOT) of taking care of herself. So the doctor sat with her and me and the social worker and we told her the truth. - in effect it was the Doctor's decision, not mine, and since I was not the professional we had to abide by the doctors order and it was no longer safe for her to live alone.. Wel lit was of tears and hollering and hugs and reassurances for a bit, but then the doc gave her a sedative that evening and the next day. After that, she had absolutely no recollection of the conversation, and settled into her new room with no problem. She has been there over a year, and periodically gets on a kick about expecting to go home "next week". We just go along and agree with her, and tell her to be sure to let me know when the doctor gives her the release date. Lately, she has been calling me and telling me she is somewhere else with her girlfirend (like in a restaurant or a hotel room - not the same one as before LOL) and she is ready for me to pick her up and take her home. The stories are very similar to yours. Sometimes I tell her I'm still at work and will get her in a couple of hours. Another time I asked her if there was a bed in the room and how many (2) and what color was the phone she was talking on? (orange-princess phone). So I told her she was in her own room, and I would see her tomorrow. The trick to getting them to settle down in the NH is not to visit for a week or two. It is very difficult and heartbreaking, but they do develop coping mechanisms before too long, and they come to accept that is where they live most of the time.

I am recently having the same problem with a elderly friend. I help take care of him and his wife but suddenly the other day he thought He was at his Aunts house and wondered when we will be going home. He recognizes everything in his house but says it is his Aunts house several hours away. He knows it is his house when he goes outside, but when he come in, he thinks is at his Aunts again. He even wonders how I got there. He is in the hospital now. They are trying to find out what is wrong. Could that be dementia?

Overlyblessed, oh yes, that could definitely be dementia. But since he is in the hospital now for a complete evaluation, you will probably have more definitive information soon. Let us know what you find out!

go Home Go home, is all my mom said. Now she says nothing..... It's the ALZ MANTRA. Divert the mantra is easier said than done. Snacks, or just say okay and shove a cookie in her mouth. That worked for a bit.

We have been told that our friend is having seizures. But can that cause him to have dementia type episodes? I still believe there is dementia because of the way he forgets things. He does not know what day it is most of the time. They say that all his test for any type of dementia is neg.,but I am still not convinced.

Overlyblessed, I have had adult friends with seizures and they report that on days with seizures especially their memory and ability to organize anything is quite poor. Kids who have bunches of seizures have a heck of a time learning new material at school too. Maybe that's what it is, versus medication side effects - Topamax is notorious and even gets called "dopamax" a lot.

Go home question? Change the subject, quickly, you don't want to go there via conversation

I am in same situation as you are. I have a brother who doesn't want to help and my mom claims to want to "go home" every afternoon.... She'll even set out walking until she gets tired and turns around. Neither me or my dad know how to handle the situation.

My mom been saying she wants to go home and her mom is talking to her. My mom has later stages of dementia and is going to be 93. I feel she may be upset with me and I may be pulling away from her emotionally and I just need a break and maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I been feeling like this for weeks now! I am sure I am not the only one who goes through this and I am the only one who cares for my mom and thank goodness for her caregiver she is wonderful. It is funny how people come into your life when you need them. My mom lives with me and she is mild compared to some I have heard about. I just have my moments of feeling sorry for myself.

Joyce - I think maybe you are mixing up natural, normal GRIEF with "feeling sorry for myself - this is a SAD time seeing your mom like this, whatever her age....some people age much better than others and it can be extra hard, missing your Mom the way she was, while she is still alive and here with you. I say cut yourself some slack. Hugs, and thank God your mom has you and you both have a good caregiver in your lives right now.