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My dad doesn’t like his caregivers anymore. He says they are mean to him and are fat and ugly. He has dementia and I don’t know if this is a ploy to get me to stay with him instead of them. I’ve explained to him that I cannot be with 24/7. It’s very frustrating and tiring to go through this week after week. Any suggestions?

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Please don't ignore statements of abuse. Get an advocate to initiate an investigation. The fat & ugly part obviously has no bearing on his level of care unless the weight is an issue to performance.
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Reply to JeanMills
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As I returned with her clean and disinfected commode yesterday afternoon, my new client asked me if I'd dealt with it in the downstairs bathroom or gone upstairs. Downstairs, of course, much the closer and no need for me to go out of sight into other areas of her house.

"I suppose you're half their size," she said mischievously, "I'm surprised some of your colleagues can get in there."

To be sure, we do have some strapping lasses on the team.

Our Code of Conduct book makes this point about personal appearance: that a worker who is not well-groomed will not inspire confidence in a client. If you don't look after yourself, what sort of job will you make of looking after me?

We are, also, strictly warned not to wear excessive make-up, or any jewellery except for wedding rings and plain ear-studs for pierced ears; hair below collar-length must be pinned/tied back; finger nails must be short and natural (not acrylics, they mean). I think I might be nearly the only one who's read that paragraph, though.

In terms of sexual harassment, we are well-protected: if there are red flags we "double up" - nobody goes into that house alone. I hope too that we older people encourage the younger ones to USE those protections and make sure they report anything at all that makes them feel uncomfortable. Being older I rarely get any trouble; but on the odd occasion I have simply pretended not to understand what they meant.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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The facility has a social worker. Give her a assignment.
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Reply to DKelso34
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Why is it noone ever thinks that the old person is just a Jerk (put lightly).
YES ~ old people can be and mostly Are Jerks...to the hired caregivers And to their own families. I've seen it in 90% or more of caregiving jobs I've had. And YES yiur dad is playing you and has Nothing better to do then use you and the caregivers for his entertainment. The more you feed into it the longer it will go on. And I'm sure the caregivers Don't lile him either and I'm sure he's No prize. He thinks they are there to Worship him and take his crap for the little pay they recieve and should be getting quadruple whatever they do recieve to put up with this. Tell him to straighten up and be a Gentlemen and Appreciate that anyone would want to take care of his nasty attitude. And of he has the ability to still understand finances tell him the worse he behaves the More it will cost him to hire someone willing to put up with him. Usually thats the Only way to get people like him to straighten up is hit them in the pocket book. And I would bet that he wants a good looking caregiver to sexually harass her and thinks she'll have to take it as part of her job. I am an attractive caregiver and after learning early in my career how these types of men/most elderly men are I refuse to caregive for men. So think what you want but this is honest feedback from a caregiver thats seen exactly what your discribing many times. If your parent needs a caregiver then the time has come for You to become the parent and make tough adult decisions. If he can't behave like a decent human being then don't give him what he wants and tell him the more abusive/yes ehat he is doing is abusive to your caregivers and to you...the more he wants to be a jerk the more it will cost to keep a caregiver to put up with his crap. And hire the opposite of what he wants. People think caregivers are their property or replacement for a partner. Thats not what we are for. We are there to provide help and friendship. Its not just the elderly men that are innapropriate, Ive been asked by a daughter to flirt with her father who's mother was still in the home. You would think common decency would give people a clue on how caregivers should be treated but it unbelievably tough being a caregiver and you wouldn't believe what your caregivers have had to put up with On Top of the already hard and discusting job they aren't paid enough for.
I pick and choose my clients and stand up for myself and for fair pay. I hope all your father's caregivers do to cause I wouldn't help him for no ammount of pay. He knows exactly what he is doing and its Not a UTI or mental disorder. He's a jerk plain and simple.
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Reply to caregiving2long
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Imho, he doesn't like what has happened to him and he may be acrimonious. His expectations of what a caregiver may be likened to are skewed (young and pretty with a MENSA Iq).
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Reply to Llamalover47
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He has had these caregivers for over a year. I forgot to mention that he previously had one prior to these ones who we had to get rid of because he did not like her. She was very overweight. I really think that this is a ploy to make me stay and or another stage of dementia. I think that he is mean to them. I've heard him say things like I don't want her here. And maybe they give him the silent treatment for a little while. Anyone would after hearing that right. Thank you all for your advice! Good bless you all!
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Reply to Sharona74
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Isthisrealyreal May 12, 2020
No, a professional caregiver would not punish a client by refusing to speak with them. This is abusive behavior coming from a professional.
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I have experienced the same with my mom, who has dementia and Parkinsons. At first, she likes the caregivers. Then, maybe a month or two into it, she decides she can't stand them and insists I get a different caregiver, because she doesn't want to be alone with the caregiver. It's exhausting. I haven't found an answer, we just started new caregivers again in Feb, and I had to put them on hold until Covid-19 is over.
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Reply to kbuser
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I feel for you, but sadly, your dad is probably moving down a path where no caregivers (including you, so don't fall for that) will please him. And he will be too irrational to accept the fact that, alas, the world does not revolve around him, and it is the job of skillful, paid professionals to try to treat him at least decently and try to meet his basic needs, but it is not actually their job to be beauty queens. They are perhaps not svelte because their jobs are stressful, they work long hours, and they don't get paid enough to afford skinny people food and gym memberships. Check his meds and check for infection. Install a camera with a mic if you are worried about the mean part. Just know that his filters are probably going/gone, that you may well be the next person he starts critiquing ad nauseum. It is so hard to not take these things personally. Stay strong.
If he needs gorgeous people to wipe his butt and feed him, buy a very large screen tv, plant him right in front of it, and program it so only shows with beautiful skinny people are seen by him. I know you are just trying to help your dad as best you can!
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Reply to InItForGood
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My mother has CHF and dementia and lives with us. As her dementia progressed she became combative, angry, argumentative to the point I didn’t think I could keep her at home, and I sure couldn’t afford putting her in AL or MC yet. My three resources for this disease have been her doctor who is also a hospice doc, Natalie Edmonds YouTube educational videos, and Roslyn Carter Institute webinars for caregivers.

My doctor immediately prescribed Seroquel (Quetiapine) for her and it made a huge difference at only the lowest dose. Now she’s pleasant and not so easily perturbed. She was exhausting herself with her outbursts. Adding the medication was better for her and for me and her other caregiver.

There is no reasoning with dementia patients. Their thought process is not normal. I don’t discuss with her anything that requires her to understand she isn’t being nice or for that matter, what she blurted out is stupid! She just can’t understand. For example, she saw me stub my toe one day and asked why I’d kick the door? She wasn’t being funny it’s just the way she saw it.

I’m fortunate to have the support of my siblings in my decisions for her care. I know it’s hard for yours to understand from afar how you are seeing to the care of your parent. But if it’s up to you to see to overall care, make the right decision for the patient ...and you.

Tell your siblings medication isn’t a bad thing at this stage.
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Reply to Cottony
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My dad’s in MC and has mostly wonderful, compassionate, give 120% caregivers. They come in all sizes and races, and share one thing in common- his and the other tenants well being. He has started telling me about “these fat cows” they’ve hired to help there. I told him it’s what’s inside that counts, and b/c there are some stronger girls there, they don’t have to call 911 every time he pulls a stunt and falls or crumbles to the ground. He hates hospitals and can avoid them b/c of the great care they can provide him. I also remind him that it’ll be these “fat cows” who’ll see he gets his pain meds, change his dirty briefs, get a good meal, etc.It usually shuts him down, but he’ll say he still prefers women who take care of themself. Go figure!
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Reply to DadsGurl
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Get him a thin, nice and good looking care giver.
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Reply to warkap
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Sharona74 May 12, 2020
He would probably like that! I've diffenately learned through all this that he is prejudiced against overweight people. ☹️
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Sorry you are experiencing this. Even the most saintly of us have ugly thoughts and lots of biases. There is probably not much basis in reality for your dad's words and definitely no social filter or forethought. Changing caregivers will not change his conversations. When my grandma would get into "gossip mode", I would try to change the conversation or divert her to an activity - anything that would turn off the flow of negativity. That is probably your best maneuver for now. Sometimes it was worse when there was a lot of change in the day or when she was frustrated, So consistency in routines helped. If he becomes hostile, you may need to talk with his doctor about medication.
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Reply to Taarna
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Sharona74 May 12, 2020
Thank you! He is already on medication for dementia. Not sure what kind of medication you are referring to and would probably have trouble with my siblings accepting more medication.
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I can tell you with certainity that, yes, always worth checking for UTI, but, this sounds very much like my mother in the beginning and you should prepare yourself. Wish someone had prepared me more for the 4 plus years my mother and I went through with her dementia. At first I just didn't understand what was happening because I could see a lot of her true personality and behaviors but all were extremely exaggerated. My mother pretty much hated everybody with very few exceptions. She dropped the N word repeatedly to her caregivers and staff, accused them of abusing her(as far as I know not true but do keep a close check on things, especially if he's in a facility), cursed at us, tried to bite me and the caregivers, threw poop at an aide and generally became totally uncooperative about everything from eating, bathing, dressing etc. On top of that I became her enemy and it seemed she was bent on trying to destroy me by "trashing" me to anyone that would listen. She thought I was stealing her money, accused me of never visiting and even wished me dead on more than one visit. I couldn't visit her for more than 5 minutes, often "visiting" from a distance, peeping in on her, talking to staff. She died February 22 and I'm grieving hard and really miss her, which I didn't expect after all we went through. Feel some relief but profound sadness too. Some say I'm grieving the mother I didn't have in the later years. Another warning...you will probably be left with some feelings of guilt no matter what you do or don't do. That's just the nature of the journey. I know I did all I could for her and I prayed a lot. Please decide now before things get worse that you will not let this disease control your life and destroy you too. A person with dementia does not get better. (You can go online and find a chart of the stages and what to expect.) Seek help from others. You do have to dig for it sometimes. Make time to take care of yourself and don't neglect your other family members. I'm pretty sure your father would not want that.
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Reply to Theras
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Sharona74 May 12, 2020
Thank you! You are very kind to respond on this site after losing your mother in February. Your words and advice have helped me to feel better. I hope and wish you peace in the near future. God bless you!
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Some helpful educational utube videos on Dr. Natali Edmonds about dementia and alzheimers:
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dr.+natali+edmonds+channel
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Reply to Zoemac
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Might or might not. I have a friend who just was a sitter for people who were elderly. When she started the patient was cordial and nice and they enjoyed spending the day together. As she aged, the patient became contrary, thought she had a servant at her side and insisted she not use the refrigerator, the bathroom, the dishes or anything. Now, my friend was only a "sitter" and had no training.

In frustration, my friend did not now how to handle the patient. She spoke harshly to her, ignored her....Now, after 10 years my friend is experiencing "old age and dementia" and she needs compassion and understanding.

For everyone - Know your caregivers and make sure they have adequate training. I shutter to think how many "sitters" who are paid a lot less money - lack compassion and training. If you ask for an example from your loved one how she is treated badly - she might not remember.

A traffic light turns yellow for a reason 'caution'. There is elder abuse even by professionals. Use this as an indicator to make sure she is okay and 2nd it is part of her disease. As we all travel down this path - you are never alone - Learn to rest and take good care of yourself. Thank you for be caring and loving. So many of us do not have any family or friends to help and we stand alone.

I can see the "fat and ugly" comes only from the disease itself. If they are sitting down and not getting her what she is asking from that could be "Fat" and if they are talking down to her that could be the "ugly" or she could have just watched "The good, the bad and the ugly." ha ha Take care and wish you well.
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Reply to LNReason
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Sorry....I just had to giggle a little...Install cameras to see if they're mean....okay....but fat and ugly??
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Reply to gemswinner12
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Arwen31 May 8, 2020
It must be the tiredness but I did giggle a little too :))

Sorry Sharona, not taking this less seriously, I had a similar problem with my dad, he used to say the carer wanted to rule his life and he was a free individual... what do you answer to that?!

You know what did the trick, poker! I gave him a deck of cards and the carer was playing with him, he started enjoying the carer immediately again :D
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Just wanted to say that I feel your difficulty in this situation. It’s not easy.
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Reply to JuliaRose
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Possibly. I asked him the day after if the caregiver was nice to him and he said oh yes.
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Reply to Sharona74
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Sharon, sometimes if someone his age has an Urinary Tract Infection, they will say things that are out of character. Be mean spirited, calling people names, etc.

Call Dad's primary doctor to ask about a UTI test [simple, peeing into a cup] to see if there is an infection. If yes, this can be treated with antibiotics.
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Sharona74 May 8, 2020
Thank you, that is a good idea to check into. He has had them in the past but hasn't displayed any sign of having one currently. He has a check up soon so I will ask for a urine culture.
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Can you install cameras to see if what he is saying is true?

Obviously you can't be their 24/7 but you may need to find different caregivers.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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gemswinner12 May 8, 2020
Sorry....I just giggled a little out loud...Install cameras to see if they're being mean....okay....but fat and ugly ??
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